DEAR MISS MANNERS: My grandmother is 98 and currently in the hospital. My mother has warned me that she may not bounce back from it this time. In the event that she does pass, my mom wants the family -- my sister, my dad and I -- to fly up for the funeral one weekend.

I hate flying. I HATE flying. When I expressed this to my mom, she told me I would “just have to get over it.” The funeral will be nine hours away by car, which I don’t mind driving on my own, and I’m sure I could fit it into my schedule.

I’m financially dependent on my mom until I graduate. She bought me my new used car, and everything I’ve ever needed. She is a great mom! But I’m conflicted. I truly don’t want to fly, but refusing to fly means starting a fight with my mom.

How do I express myself and hold my ground, while at the same time showing her that I respect her, love her and appreciate her? I know we should always listen to our mothers, but when am I old enough to adamantly disagree with her? Is it when I pay for my rent myself?

GENTLE READER: Family roles change over time, a fact often brought out when facing illness and death. The disagreement you are having follows a no-doubt familiar pattern: Your mother tells you to eat your vegetables and you do not want to.

The way not to be treated like a child is not to act -- or in this case, think -- like one. Your mother’s mother is dying and your mother needs your comfort and help. Assuming you are there in time to provide it, how you get there is your responsibility, as an adult -- not hers.

Ask your mother when she wants you to arrive; if she asks how you are going to get there, assure her that she does not need to worry about that. Miss Manners notes that this is both the best way to help your mother, and to establish that you are now the decision-maker on some things.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We recently stayed at a rental apartment. The owner left us a plate of six muffins -- a lovely gesture, except that the plastic wrap had been carefully pulled away on two muffins and a bite had been taken out of each.

If it was a mouse, it was a very careful, fastidious one. We wondered if maybe the baker had young children who craved something sweet. Should we have said something?

GENTLE READER: As you are only taking the apartment temporarily, and the muffins are not a material part of that transaction, Miss Manners urges you to overlook the bites.

She means to be taken figuratively, not literally: In the absence of children or mice, just dispose of the injured muffins in part or in whole.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a professional singer, and I sing as the leading soprano in an opera house. Of course, it is expected and natural to receive and give gifts on the day of a premiere, but I have a violinist “friend” who gives me gifts every single time I see her.

Literally. Every show, every rehearsal with orchestra, every concert, without fail.

At first I thanked her for the gifts, but at this point, I feel weird about it. I tell her every single time, “Thank you so much, but you really must not give me any more gifts.” I have never (on purpose) encouraged her with a thank-you note, and have only once reciprocated, on her birthday: I baked a cake and gave her a beautiful necklace, which was the most uncomfortable meeting yet.

After we left her house once, my husband and I went grocery shopping, and while we were walking home, she showed up in her car to “help us” and drove us home. We were extremely unsettled by the idea that she followed us.

She also comes into my dressing room while I am changing, and will wait for me for over an hour, which makes me feel like I have to do something with her when I just want to go home. She will follow me to my house, and if she meets me in town, she will follow me around while I try to do my errands. She writes incredibly long texts, and asks me very personal things, like “What did the doctor say?” etc.

How I can get her to go away in general? I don’t want to hurt her feelings, but I am fed up with her creepiness and need to make this stop.

GENTLE READER: The behavior you describe is that of a stalker -- not a friend, in quotes or otherwise. But she has convinced you to cooperate, albeit reluctantly, in her own gross violation of good manners by making you think that cutting her would be rude. It would not. In fact, it is the only sensible solution.

Miss Manners is confident that opera house management has seen this problem before, and can be turned to for a solution: barring her from visiting you backstage (assuming she is not in the orchestra), or implementing more stringent measures if she is a fellow employee. Avoiding her outside the theater will require constant vigilance, and perhaps even the involvement of the authorities, which is certainly unpleasant -- but protecting yourself from unwanted attentions by avoiding interaction with her is not rude.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I (a same-sex couple) received an invitation to a baby shower for his sister’s first baby. In our city, guys and gals often attend bridal and baby teas and showers, so we were excited to be included.

Although I had a conflict, my husband planned to attend and take our gifts. A few days prior to the event, he was informed that only ladies will attend, essentially uninviting us. My husband was very hurt. What do you make of this?

GENTLE READER: That Miss Manners has more work to do reminding people that rescinding invitations is both rude and, as you demonstrate, hurtful.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please tell me what you think of a lady whom I invited to lunch (with others), who went ahead and ordered a meal to take home from the waiter.

She ordered it towards the end of the meal, without asking me, for someone I didn’t know who had just arrived in town and was hungry. Meanwhile, I was paying the check. I would never even dream of doing that to someone.

Is that the epitome of bad manners, or am I crazy and making something out of nothing? I can afford it, but she didn’t even ask me.

GENTLE READER: No doubt when she mentioned that it was for a hungry newcomer, she expected to head off any objections by insinuating that you would be cruel to complain. And she succeeded.

But do we really believe in her version of Robin Hood tactics -- that it is fine to chisel from the solvent, as long as we are charitable? What Miss Manners thinks of the lady is that if you have her to dinner at your house, it would be wise to count the forks before she leaves.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We are a couple deeply in love. We both have money, and she has more income per month than me, but the difference means nothing to me.

I bring her gifts (flowers, wine, etc.) when visiting. So far, it’s been nine months of my paying for dinners and her never paying for anything.

Am I being used?

We are both divorced and are not going to get married again. I do not want to lose this beautiful lady who loves me, but I do not know what is proper. I am only looking for an equal partner.

GENTLE READER: It is odd that during the progress toward equality of the sexes, the idea persists that the gentleman always pays the bills. What is forgotten is that when that was the custom, ladies, who were apt to live with their parents or roommates when single, reciprocated by entertaining those gentlemen with home-cooked meals.

If that is what you mean by visiting the lady, Miss Manners points out that she is reciprocating. If not, she should take you out occasionally. It may not have occurred to her, and she may even think that you prefer the old system.

As you and she are deeply in love, you ought to be able to say, “Would you plan an evening for us once in a while? I always seem to be in charge, and I’d love it if you sometimes were.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper response to “no problem” after I say “thank you”? When I respond with “I’m so glad it’s not a problem,” I sometimes get funny looks.

GENTLE READER: Well, of course. You are unnecessarily prolonging what should be a simple exchange, and leaving your interlocutor without a conventional response.

Miss Manners is aware that many people are irritated by the substitution of “no problem” for the traditional “you’re welcome.” She is not crazy about it herself.

But in many languages, including French (“de rien” or “il n’y a pas de quoi”) and Spanish (“de nada”), the traditional response is equivalent to “no problem.” There is no need to take it literally, let alone to question it.

So please, let’s just let this one go.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)