DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my niece graduated from high school last year, my brother sent out all her party invitations, sent thank-you notes as if they were written and signed by her, and even endorsed the back of the checks she received. Of course, I recognized his handwriting.

When I questioned him, he said she was “too busy getting ready for college.” Her sister will graduate next year, and I’m sure my brother will do the same thing for her.

Am I wrong to be offended at how lazy these girls are? Shouldn’t a graduate have the courtesy to send a thank-you note when someone sends a gift?

GENTLE READER: Especially, Miss Manners notes, if said graduate wants another one. As their aunt, you might point this out, cheekily noting that you plan on giving future presents directly to their father, since he is the one acknowledging them. He will likely need the money for bail when he is imprisoned for check forgery.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Starting a few months ago, I began working in a public-service setting with one other person, a much older male. Whenever a customer asks for help, my co-worker jumps in.

He frequently jumps to the conclusion that I have made mistakes, and when I explain my actions, he never apologizes. When I talk to him, sometimes he literally waves me away or turns his back on me.

This co-worker has been an employee for years, was recently promoted to shift supervisor and is well-liked by most of the customers. I do not wish to complain about him to my superior, nor do I do think it would do any good. Can you think of something polite but effective I could say to get this retirement-age man to change his behavior toward me?

GENTLE READER: “When can we throw your retirement party?”

Miss Manners jests, of course, but she does encourage you to be generous, not only because the retirement may be imminent, but also because flattery tends to be more effective: “You know so much, I would love to learn from you. However, I wonder if in doing so, you could give me a chance to occasionally work with our customers on my own, and then we could talk about it afterwards -- either alone or in a formal review with our boss.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do you politely decline gifts of signs and crafts with sayings on them? It’s just not our thing. It’s our son’s girlfriend who makes and gives them, so we have to tread lightly.

GENTLE READER: Unfortunately, the relative substance of the present and giver are not entirely relevant here. Politely accepting unwanted items, and then discreetly disposing of them as you wish, is the only correct solution.

However, when it comes to the nature of the quotes themselves, Miss Manners will allow the quality of the enthusiasm to differ appropriately. Crafts and sayings of the “adorable downtrodden kitten” variety may be greeted with a pleasant, bemused smile. More provocatively intended ones of a political or religious nature may be received with a much, much weaker one.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a proper way to look up an ancient friend online without being noticed?

I want to maintain a sense of propriety on my part, and not be seen as overbearing or as attributing an unwarranted interest. I just want to find out: Is he or she married now? I don’t want to ask a mutual friend.

GENTLE READER: These days, there undoubtedly is a way to find out if your friend is married while preserving your anonymity, but Miss Manners’ expertise is in etiquette, not espionage. And that expertise tells her that even if you avoid being caught, there is no way to wonder about someone’s marital status while preserving both a lack of interest and a sense of propriety.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In my small apartment building, one of my neighbors is a sweet older lady who works for an engraver. We’ve had difficulty with our mail carrier putting our mail in each other’s boxes. Usually we just re-sort the mail ourselves, but apparently it annoys my neighbor to no end.

To combat the problem, she had some lovely brass plaques engraved with our last names and apartment numbers, and mounted them to our mailboxes. However, my name has been somewhat misspelled: My last name ends with an “s,” and for some reason she put an apostrophe before it, making it possessive.

I think it’s so nice that she had these made, but I have no idea if she actually paid for them or if they were free of charge from her employer. Either way, I would really like to have mine replaced. I’ve thought about offering to pay for the replacement, but I’m afraid I’ll seem ungracious.

Or, because she’s so sweet, she’ll insist upon replacing it at her own expense. I haven’t a clue how much these things cost, but I don’t want her to have to pay for the replacement.

Also, a little bit of time has passed now, and I’m a little embarrassed that I hadn’t brought it up sooner. I even thought about just letting it be, but this error happens more often than you think, and it annoys me to have to look at it every day. Not to mention, it looks like the box belongs to someone else, like it’s “William’s” mail rather than “Mr. Williams”! (Not my real last name.) What do you suggest?

GENTLE READER: Changing your name? Perhaps not. And Miss Manners assumes that someone who works for an engraver will not be fooled if you surreptitiously obscure the apostrophe with a foreign substance.

This leaves a direct approach. You cannot, unfortunately, assume that your neighbor will see the humor in her mounting the plaques because the mail carrier was not getting her name right -- and her then doing the same to you. But if you are sufficiently grateful and apologetic, she will see the logic. You must do this and one thing more: Insist on paying for the replacement, avoiding any annoyance over the undeniable fact that your neighbor caused the problem by not consulting with you before she took action.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I manage and play for a men’s softball team. It involves a lot of work, time and tribulation to ensure enough players come to the games, and that the right players do so (not everyone is capable of pitching).

A player who joined a year and a half ago committed to coming several times, but in the end did not arrive, and did not even tell us that he was not coming. Once, we called him from the field -- thinking maybe he got caught in traffic and would be five minutes late -- and he informed us in an indignant way that he was working at the office and could not come.

“Why didn’t you tell us, Jordan?”

“Well, *I* have to work,” he said. “I don’t know about the other guys; maybe they have schedules that allow them a lot of time off.”

I took him off the email list. Who needs the grief?

My co-manager, however, still had faith. He asked Jordan to come to a practice, and bet me a beer that he would come through. He had promised him twice, after all.

Guess who won?

I sent Jordan a text message that night, saying, “Thanks for the beer.” That’s all. Didn’t yell at him, didn’t call him names, nothing like that.

Oh boy, was Jordan angry and insulted. He messaged me back with an indignant “I was at work until 9:30 at night,” and the next day left a voice message demanding an apology.

He called me a few days later and told me he didn’t like my attitude, and that he thinks I don’t want him on the team. Truth is, I’m not so hot about it, but there have been times when we could have used him. So I told him that he says one thing, and doesn’t follow through. We can’t manage a team like that.

Should I apologize to him for that text message? Should I ignore him, like he did us? I don’t really want him on the team, as it has become more trouble than it’s worth, but should I allow him to “repent” and rejoin?

GENTLE READER: You have pitched Miss Manners softball questions (you can pass off the taunting as kidding) rather than the hard one to which you really need an answer.

She is not the one you need to convince not to let Jordan back on the team, a decision you have already reached on your own. You need to convince your co-manager, and herein lies the challenge. The reason both corporations and sports clubs give for establishing policies about attendance and behavior is so that everyone knows what is expected of them -- and what the punishment is for noncompliance. A level playing field, as the saying goes.

Those policies, not coincidentally, also absolve managers of making excruciating decisions. Work out general rules with your club and co-manager -- how many absences lead to a suspension, how long a suspension lasts, and so on -- and apply them in each specific case. This will also help you avoid childish arguments over whether someone’s reasons for being perpetually absent without warning are, or are not, morally superior.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)