DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my husband and I are at work and our teen daughter is in school, we communicate with her via text message.

I have told my teen that she is at the top of my totem pole, and I respond promptly to her messages (like “Mom, what medicine can I take for my hives?” or “Mom, what time are you coming home?”) -- but that I feel like I am at the bottom of hers. She is more anxious about replying immediately to her peers than to her dad and me.

It is not uncommon for her to respond only in the evening to a text or question I asked in the morning. She has said she will be better, but things have not changed. Is the right way to teach her to do the same to her? That is, ignore her messages for hours?

GENTLE READER: What are you and your husband texting your daughter all day? “The house is on fire”? “You left your term paper on the kitchen table”? “We’re off to Las Vegas until Sunday -- key is under the lilac bush”?

Her own messages that you cite do require answers, and it would be spiteful to ignore them. But if yours are less immediate, Miss Manners is not surprised that your daughter does not treat them as urgent. The unfortunate result may be that when one actually is an emergency, she may ignore it as just part of the day’s bombardment of texts.

It is not disrespectful to you that your daughter’s attention is on her friends during her free time at school. Even the most dutiful and devoted children do not worry about and focus on their healthy parents as intently as parents may do in regard to their children.

Never mind the totem poles. What you should tell your daughter is that from now on, you and her father will not text her at school unless it is something that needs an immediate response, which you will require her to provide.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a single, childless senior, because that’s the way my life turned out. Many of my longtime friends have children or grandchildren, most of whom I have never met.

Can you tell me how to change the subject when they talk of nothing else? Most recently, I talked to a childhood friend for the first time in months. After asking about my health, she then talked for an hour about her son’s second wedding, a destination extravaganza. I won’t be invited, and I have not seen her son since he was a toddler.

These discussions might be more welcome if you actually knew the people involved, don’t you think?

GENTLE READER: Yes, but they don’t. And they would be glad to make you acquainted through a few hundred pictures they happen to have on their telephones. Miss Manners recommends a strongly voiced, “What else is going on in your life?” With any luck, they will tell you about their health problems.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend of mine quickly eloped after becoming engaged. I sent a really nice bouquet of red roses to their home shortly after they returned, along with a card addressed to her and her new husband congratulating them on their marriage and wishing them a lifetime of love together.

I was surprised when I didn’t receive even an acknowledgment for the roses. About a month later, a mutual friend of ours shared with me that my newly married friend thought it was inappropriate that I sent RED roses, saying that I must be in love with her because red roses are sent by someone who wants to express their romantic feelings to the recipient. And that I should have known white or yellow roses were OK, but not red!

I have been completely perplexed by this. Is it inappropriate to send red roses to a newly married couple? Should I feel embarrassed and call with an apology? This has been confusing and upsetting to me.

GENTLE READER: As silly as the symbolism of flower colors and the relative emotional truth-in-packaging they represent may seem, the precedent does exist. Your friend’s reaction, however, was beyond silly. Besides the presumptuousness of assuming something that clearly was not intended, if she really took it so seriously, wouldn’t flowers addressed to both members of the couple mean you were in love with both?

If you would like to continue the friendship -- and smooth over the situation -- call or send a note saying that you meant for the red to symbolize the couple’s love for each other, not yours for them.

And if everyone makes up and you are invited to any post-elopement celebrations, let Miss Manners caution you further against wearing red -- as it is traditionally considered too racy a contrast to a bride. She may not be able to defend you twice.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son-in-law has the habit of helping himself to communal dishes with his hands. He does this both in restaurants and at home. I mentioned it to my daughter 10 years ago, and she felt it wasn’t her place to correct him.

They now have three amazing sons who idolize their father. I’m worried that this habit will impede their progression in life if they choose to emulate him. My daughter just looks the other way. Ultimately, I feel it is so unsanitary!! I try to add serving spoons and forks, to no avail. It’s so difficult to enjoy a meal with him using his fingers as serving utensils.

GENTLE READER: Ten years seems to Miss Manners a suitably long amount of time passed to be able to broach the subject with your daughter again. If she still feels it is not her place, phrase it in a uniquely motherly way, pointing out that it IS her place to model good manners --and hygiene -- for her children. If all else fails, get them alone and teach them yourself, but without mentioning the nearby bad example, which they will notice on their own.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister regularly gives a donation to a charity in my kids’ names in lieu of a gift for birthdays and Christmas. Usually they thank her, but last time they didn’t, and she was upset.

Do you think a thank-you is required in this instance? She picks the charity. Not that this should matter, but these are college kids who don’t have much money.

GENTLE READER: The theory being that time is money and they are not currently in possession of either? Or more likely that if they received the money directly, they would be more inclined to thank your sister for it?

Presents should always be acknowledged. And while Miss Manners is in agreement that a charitable donation is not really a present when it is of the giver’s choosing, a thank-you in this case is not only polite, but could also help drive that point home: “It was so kind of you, as always, to put our names on your favorite charity. While I still do not know much about this particular one, I look forward to one day finding a cause that similarly speaks to me.”

Dear Miss Manners: I attended a convention for my professional association. The Scholarship Committee held a 50/50 raffle to raise money for students entering our field. When the winner was chosen, she collected her winnings, smiled, said “thank you” and went on her way.

This is exactly how I expected the scenario to play out. However, I later overheard several other attendees complaining that she had not immediately returned her winnings to the Scholarship Committee.

It had never occurred to me that people would expect a raffle winner to return their winnings. It seems to me that the chance of winning the prize is the reason most people are entering a raffle, and that it would be better just to ask for donations if you do not intend to award the prize.

I am now preparing to attend a very glamorous charity function, which will have a raffle as part of the fundraising efforts. The top prize is $10,000 and, as much as I support the charity, I am afraid to enter the raffle! Other websites’ users seem to be evenly divided on the proper disposition of raffle winnings.

GENTLE READER: It does seem counterintuitive to Miss Manners to expect raffle earnings to be returned -- and a surefire deterrent to those who have already donated in order to be there. Shaming those who choose not to give back prizes that are rightfully theirs, in the name of charity, is a practice undeserving of the title.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If a portion of food is offered (on a plate, of course) and it is deemed by the guest to be too much, what is the proper way to handle the situation?

GENTLE READER: Pass it to someone else. When this trick inevitably runs out or you are caught, you may say, “Oh, this looks delicious. I wonder if I might have a smaller portion.” Adding with a smile, “to start with, at least.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)