DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend of mine quickly eloped after becoming engaged. I sent a really nice bouquet of red roses to their home shortly after they returned, along with a card addressed to her and her new husband congratulating them on their marriage and wishing them a lifetime of love together.

I was surprised when I didn’t receive even an acknowledgment for the roses. About a month later, a mutual friend of ours shared with me that my newly married friend thought it was inappropriate that I sent RED roses, saying that I must be in love with her because red roses are sent by someone who wants to express their romantic feelings to the recipient. And that I should have known white or yellow roses were OK, but not red!

I have been completely perplexed by this. Is it inappropriate to send red roses to a newly married couple? Should I feel embarrassed and call with an apology? This has been confusing and upsetting to me.

GENTLE READER: As silly as the symbolism of flower colors and the relative emotional truth-in-packaging they represent may seem, the precedent does exist. Your friend’s reaction, however, was beyond silly. Besides the presumptuousness of assuming something that clearly was not intended, if she really took it so seriously, wouldn’t flowers addressed to both members of the couple mean you were in love with both?

If you would like to continue the friendship -- and smooth over the situation -- call or send a note saying that you meant for the red to symbolize the couple’s love for each other, not yours for them.

And if everyone makes up and you are invited to any post-elopement celebrations, let Miss Manners caution you further against wearing red -- as it is traditionally considered too racy a contrast to a bride. She may not be able to defend you twice.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son-in-law has the habit of helping himself to communal dishes with his hands. He does this both in restaurants and at home. I mentioned it to my daughter 10 years ago, and she felt it wasn’t her place to correct him.

They now have three amazing sons who idolize their father. I’m worried that this habit will impede their progression in life if they choose to emulate him. My daughter just looks the other way. Ultimately, I feel it is so unsanitary!! I try to add serving spoons and forks, to no avail. It’s so difficult to enjoy a meal with him using his fingers as serving utensils.

GENTLE READER: Ten years seems to Miss Manners a suitably long amount of time passed to be able to broach the subject with your daughter again. If she still feels it is not her place, phrase it in a uniquely motherly way, pointing out that it IS her place to model good manners --and hygiene -- for her children. If all else fails, get them alone and teach them yourself, but without mentioning the nearby bad example, which they will notice on their own.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister regularly gives a donation to a charity in my kids’ names in lieu of a gift for birthdays and Christmas. Usually they thank her, but last time they didn’t, and she was upset.

Do you think a thank-you is required in this instance? She picks the charity. Not that this should matter, but these are college kids who don’t have much money.

GENTLE READER: The theory being that time is money and they are not currently in possession of either? Or more likely that if they received the money directly, they would be more inclined to thank your sister for it?

Presents should always be acknowledged. And while Miss Manners is in agreement that a charitable donation is not really a present when it is of the giver’s choosing, a thank-you in this case is not only polite, but could also help drive that point home: “It was so kind of you, as always, to put our names on your favorite charity. While I still do not know much about this particular one, I look forward to one day finding a cause that similarly speaks to me.”

Dear Miss Manners: I attended a convention for my professional association. The Scholarship Committee held a 50/50 raffle to raise money for students entering our field. When the winner was chosen, she collected her winnings, smiled, said “thank you” and went on her way.

This is exactly how I expected the scenario to play out. However, I later overheard several other attendees complaining that she had not immediately returned her winnings to the Scholarship Committee.

It had never occurred to me that people would expect a raffle winner to return their winnings. It seems to me that the chance of winning the prize is the reason most people are entering a raffle, and that it would be better just to ask for donations if you do not intend to award the prize.

I am now preparing to attend a very glamorous charity function, which will have a raffle as part of the fundraising efforts. The top prize is $10,000 and, as much as I support the charity, I am afraid to enter the raffle! Other websites’ users seem to be evenly divided on the proper disposition of raffle winnings.

GENTLE READER: It does seem counterintuitive to Miss Manners to expect raffle earnings to be returned -- and a surefire deterrent to those who have already donated in order to be there. Shaming those who choose not to give back prizes that are rightfully theirs, in the name of charity, is a practice undeserving of the title.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If a portion of food is offered (on a plate, of course) and it is deemed by the guest to be too much, what is the proper way to handle the situation?

GENTLE READER: Pass it to someone else. When this trick inevitably runs out or you are caught, you may say, “Oh, this looks delicious. I wonder if I might have a smaller portion.” Adding with a smile, “to start with, at least.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am eloping, with a small group of 20 of our closest family members being present. I am a new doctor in residency and simply do not have enough time this year to do a proper wedding. We would like to host a party in a year for all our extended family.

The question is whether or not I can have a bachelorette party with girlfriends who will not be attending the elopement this year, but who will be invited to the party next year.

GENTLE READER: Elopements being clandestine by definition, Miss Manners is unclear what the 20 family members will be doing. Holding the ladder while you make your escape?

She suspects that you are actually having a proper wedding -- a ceremony at which people become legally married -- and an anniversary party next year. Your confusion is a predictable side-effect of changing the meaning of well-understood terms.

Prenuptial parties are held before the wedding, and the guests should be invited to both. Skipping this should save you valuable time.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: With today’s universal proliferation of cellphones, service people who are working in my home often make and receive numerous calls of a completely personal nature -- some of them quite lengthy.

I have no problem with this when the service being performed is billed at a fixed rate (carpet cleaning, appliance delivery, etc.). But when the person is working at an hourly rate for the total time spent in my home (housecleaning, plumbing, electrical work, etc.), am I justified in feeling upset that such calls are being conducted on “my time”?

If so, how might my dissatisfaction best be expressed -- in advance, during such calls, or at the end of the service when the bill is presented?

GENTLE READER: Infrequent interruptions of limited duration are to be expected, while billing for long periods of unworked time is fraudulent. The divide between the two is measured not only in minutes but also in intent and presentation.

One is more willing to overlook an embarrassed, apologetic worker with a sick child than a belligerent one texting his girlfriend about their last date. The distinction is something workers would do well to remember.

Complaints for misbehavior should be directed to the business owner in regard to the bill. This is not only more likely to be effective, Miss Manners notes, but it usually relieves you of the unpleasant burden of disciplining the business owner’s staff.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it appropriate to send flowers to a woman when her ex-husband dies, if she has remarried?

GENTLE READER: “Ex” being the operative prefix, there is no etiquette requirement to recognize the death of anyone with whom the woman no longer has any legal relationship. That there is no etiquette requirement does not, Miss Manners notes, mean that it is always best to ignore the death of a friend’s ex-husband; a private word of comfort may be in order if you know the event has meaning for your friend, despite the dissolution of her marriage.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)