DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am eloping, with a small group of 20 of our closest family members being present. I am a new doctor in residency and simply do not have enough time this year to do a proper wedding. We would like to host a party in a year for all our extended family.

The question is whether or not I can have a bachelorette party with girlfriends who will not be attending the elopement this year, but who will be invited to the party next year.

GENTLE READER: Elopements being clandestine by definition, Miss Manners is unclear what the 20 family members will be doing. Holding the ladder while you make your escape?

She suspects that you are actually having a proper wedding -- a ceremony at which people become legally married -- and an anniversary party next year. Your confusion is a predictable side-effect of changing the meaning of well-understood terms.

Prenuptial parties are held before the wedding, and the guests should be invited to both. Skipping this should save you valuable time.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: With today’s universal proliferation of cellphones, service people who are working in my home often make and receive numerous calls of a completely personal nature -- some of them quite lengthy.

I have no problem with this when the service being performed is billed at a fixed rate (carpet cleaning, appliance delivery, etc.). But when the person is working at an hourly rate for the total time spent in my home (housecleaning, plumbing, electrical work, etc.), am I justified in feeling upset that such calls are being conducted on “my time”?

If so, how might my dissatisfaction best be expressed -- in advance, during such calls, or at the end of the service when the bill is presented?

GENTLE READER: Infrequent interruptions of limited duration are to be expected, while billing for long periods of unworked time is fraudulent. The divide between the two is measured not only in minutes but also in intent and presentation.

One is more willing to overlook an embarrassed, apologetic worker with a sick child than a belligerent one texting his girlfriend about their last date. The distinction is something workers would do well to remember.

Complaints for misbehavior should be directed to the business owner in regard to the bill. This is not only more likely to be effective, Miss Manners notes, but it usually relieves you of the unpleasant burden of disciplining the business owner’s staff.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it appropriate to send flowers to a woman when her ex-husband dies, if she has remarried?

GENTLE READER: “Ex” being the operative prefix, there is no etiquette requirement to recognize the death of anyone with whom the woman no longer has any legal relationship. That there is no etiquette requirement does not, Miss Manners notes, mean that it is always best to ignore the death of a friend’s ex-husband; a private word of comfort may be in order if you know the event has meaning for your friend, despite the dissolution of her marriage.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a professional classical musician, fortunate enough to make a very good living playing the piano and conducting opera. Some friends of mine (non-musicians) have invited me to a gala party, and although I would love to go, I fear they will ask me to play the piano for their guests.

This happened last time I was at their house. I politely refused several times, explaining that I would really prefer just to enjoy the party and not perform, but they were so insistent that I finally caved.

How can I explain -- without seeming impolite, ungrateful, stuck-up or churlish -- that I don’t want to work at their party?

GENTLE READER: Grateful as she is when artists resist the temptation to be impolite, ungrateful, stuck-up and churlish, Miss Manners will accept three out of four.

Call your hosts in advance and explain to them that you need to rest your fingers, and you would greatly appreciate their help at the party. Their assignment is to assist you in fending off those pesky guests who ask you to perform.

This will solve your problem, while confirming what your hosts already believe: namely, that being stuck-up is a professional prerequisite to being a great pianist and opera conductor.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband received a letter from his late father’s ex-wife, who was my husband’s stepmother in his college years and a bit beyond. While their relationship was perfectly cordial, they were never especially close.

Since her divorce from his father, and his father’s subsequent passing, they have been in very infrequent contact -- Christmas cards and the occasional postcards. She has no children of her own, and though she did remarry, she is now widowed.

Now we have received a letter from her stating that my husband and his siblings are to inherit her estate upon her passing. Our share of this would be a life-changing amount of money for us.

What is the appropriate way of thanking her? We will need to do so in some way, if only to acknowledge that we received the letter. Everything I can think of sounds absurd, insincere, or as if we are eager for her to get on with it.

GENTLE READER: Your problem is not that your husband’s father’s widowed ex-wife might think you want her dead. Your problem is that up to now, you have given no indication that you much care that she is alive.

The etiquette equivalent is receiving a proposal of marriage from the person you have decided to dump: one of mismatched expectations.

Miss Manners assumes that you want the worldly goods. You should not have them without the relationship, which was never bad, merely casual. But improving the relationship now will require more-than-usual tact. The first step is to have your husband call your would-be-benefactor to express gratitude and some surprise -- that while you are enormously thankful, you really never expected anything from her. He may then restart the relationship by asking to catch up and find out what she has been up to since he left college.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Years ago, I heard knocking and a voice -- I couldn’t distinguish words -- from my neighbor’s bedroom, which had an adjoining wall with our living room. He was a single man and I thought he might have gotten “lucky” or was on drugs, so I quietly left to give him his privacy.

The next day, he was found dead, and it was evident he’d been trying to get my attention.

A friend of his told me I shouldn’t let his mother know what had happened; I think his family heard the story from other sources. I was so distraught that I had a nervous breakdown and never told his family how sorry I was about what happened.

Years afterward, I looked up the family’s address and wrote a letter of apology explaining what had happened. My counselor recommended I not send it, saying that while it might make ME feel better, it could open old wounds for the family.

Is it ever too late to say “I’m sorry”?

GENTLE READER: Ordinarily, no. Miss Manners has often admonished people who fail to console those whom they assume have gotten over their bereavement and would not wish to be reminded.

But you have no comfort to offer this family. Rather, you are in need of comfort yourself, and Miss Manners hopes you will find it in the knowledge that you could not have guessed the dire situation with its tragic consequences, and could only act under what seemed a reasonable assumption.

Had you been able to write the family any pleasant reminiscences of their late relative, they would likely welcome that, knowing that even years later, he was not forgotten. A reminder that he might have been saved --however remote the chance, since you don’t know that any intervention would have done so -- would only trouble them. Please just read your own letter yourself and let that comfort you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Your guidance on gifts to supervisors is clear: Offices should not solicit money for gifts to bosses, and generally bosses should not accept gifts.

However, about two weeks ago, the administrative assistant in my office sent an email to everyone requesting a small donation from everyone (i.e., paralegals) for gifts for “Boss Day” to celebrate our three bosses (attorneys). I declined to give. Today, we got another email asking everyone to chip in $5 for a birthday gift for the senior partner. Is there any way to put a stop to these tacky solicitations, politely?

GENTLE READER: Collectively. As in acting together, not going around collecting money.

Miss Manners assures you that no one is eager to contribute to their better-paid superiors. They do it from a false sense of obligation, or, perhaps in the case of the instigator, the hope of ingratiating themselves. Were you to suggest to everyone that this year, you celebrate Boss Day by sending cards stating that you enjoy working for them, you are likely to get a huge amount of support and relief.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)