DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am well aware of the rules of not interfering in conversations overheard in restaurants, and that there is an assumed “bubble” of privacy for those engaged in private conversation.

However, I found myself in an awkward position while I ate in a booth that backed up to another booth. Four people were speaking in foul, hateful language about Jews and African-Americans, with a few anti-Muslim remarks thrown in for good measure. Aside from being shocked that people would feel free to speak like that in a public place, albeit at their own table, I couldn’t believe that they even thought that what they were saying was remotely accurate. It was like listening to Nazi propaganda come to life. I cannot overstate the hate exuding from their mouths.

They were not being loud, belligerent or bellicose, and were polite to their server, a person of color. I said nothing.

Was that the right thing to do? I really wanted to stand up, go to their table and tell them I could hear them spewing their hate in foul language, and that they may want to rethink their choice of words in a location where it was easy to overhear and where the objects of their hate may be present. I am Jewish. Is being silent in this type of situation the same as being complicit?

GENTLE READER: While normally Miss Manners would find relief in the fact that these awful people were at least outwardly polite, it does complicate the infraction.

Unfortunately, we live in volatile times, and Miss Manners finds herself further cautioning you against admonishing these people in public for fear of retaliation, or of inciting an angry invocation of various amendments. If you feel that it is safe, you might approach them and say, “I am sure that you are not aware that others can hear you” and leave it at that -- and then consult the restaurant management if the situation escalates.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A question about thank-you note etiquette is tearing my family apart.

I received a notification that a gift would be coming in the mail by someone who was not the sender of the gift. I had my thank-you note written and ready to send out as soon as I received said gift, because I didn’t want to feel like my thank-you note was insincere or that I was entitled to the gift by sending the thank-you early.

The family member who sent the gift is now incredibly upset with me, because apparently I should have sent the note as soon as I was notified that the gift would be coming, even though the notification was not from them.

GENTLE READER: Even Miss Manners, a fastidiously prompt sender of thank-you letters, would not require someone to write one before the present had been received. Please tell your family to pull themselves together and slow their enthusiasm -- lest they similarly start cashing checks before they are sent.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: It has become increasingly common, in attempting to avail oneself of customer service by phone, to find the lines staffed by people whose first language is not English. It’s not uncommon for me to have difficulty understanding these men and women through their accents, and too frequently I find that they aren’t fluent enough in English to actually converse, as opposed to responding by means of a rather limited script.

It’s maddening when I need to ask a multipart question and the only reply is, “We are sorry you had this problem. Our return policy is ...” when that’s not the information I need.

What is a polite way to ask to speak to someone who has less of an accent and/or speaks fluent English? This is not a case of xenophobia, and I don’t want to insult the person. I have no objection to talking to someone from another country, provided they are capable of performing the duties of their job. Shouldn’t this be a baseline requirement to hold a customer service position in any field?

GENTLE READER: The polite solution to your problem is to accept -- perhaps incorrectly -- that the person you are speaking with is performing their stated duties properly, but that their duties do not include your more complicated situation. In this case, it is only natural for you to request to speak with a supervisor, whom Miss Manners hopes will be more intelligible.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sibling and I were raised as white. I know we’re not. I’m being genetically tested to prove it officially.

This is not news my sibling will want, especially medically confirmed. He is wealthy and a somewhat public figure. We are not close. If I email or phone him, he will probably just ignore it, per usual.

It feels weird to tell someone who will not feel the relief I do -- that now, things make sense -- but who will just ignore it or still deny it. Is it best to just not contact him anymore? We do not see each other for holidays, etc. For me, this is like a brand-new start on life.

GENTLE READER: That your brother may find the news unwelcome is, no doubt, distasteful to you, given your own enthusiasm. Miss Manners recognizes that many would be inclined to tell him anyway, either by asserting your duty to stand up for truth or his need to “face reality.”

But a careful reading of your letter -- an examination of your heart not being possible through the mails -- suggests that you believe he already knows. Aghast as she would be at the suggestion of actively hiding the information from him, Miss Manners does wonder what the result of initiating such a communication would be, beyond further fraying what is already a tenuous relationship.

However, you could tell him that you were tested, but not give the results unless he requests them.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife is in a group of four or five women who get together for brunch once a week. Usually they meet in a restaurant, but occasionally one will host the brunch in her home.

Several weeks ago, my wife hosted the event. After the meal, when she had brought the dishes into the kitchen, she put them on the floor for our dog to lick clean before putting them in the dishwasher.

One of the women walked into the kitchen and saw this, and got physically ill. She said it was the most disgusting thing she had ever seen and will never eat at our house again. Now she is demanding an apology from my wife. Is my wife required to give her one?

GENTLE READER: The image of a dog licking the plate from which you just ate would give most people pause, admittedly for reasons that, strictly speaking, defy logic.

In her head, your guest knew that the plate was not going to be returned to the table -- at least not without first going through a dishwasher. But in her heart, she momentarily thought she was being asked to eat the dog’s leftovers. (Miss Manners realizes that her flights of fancy also defy logic.)

Your wife assumed, incorrectly, that the kitchen was a “backstage” area to which no guest would be admitted. The result was embarrassing to all parties. But counteraccusations -- that your guest was not supposed to see something -- will only raise questions in her mind about what goes on not just after, but before, the food appears on the table. Your wife should apologize and, next time, delay Rocky’s dinner until after the guests have left for the afternoon.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I will be attending my 30-year class reunion, not having seen many of these people since our last reunion at 10 years.

I am really looking forward to the reunion, except for one thing: I lost my husband about nine months ago to suicide. I have already had well-meaning strangers ask, “What happened? Was he sick?”

I have not been able to come up with a response to this question, nor have I figured out a way to prevent the question from being asked. I want to be able to respect the loss of my husband and don’t want to just say “single” if I’m asked if I’m married.

Do you have an appropriate, respectful answer for me to give? My anxiety over this one issue is threatening to keep me from attending the reunion altogether.

GENTLE READER: Although there is no sure way to prevent the question being asked, there are ways to stop it in its tracks. “It was quite sudden,” with a full stop and a somber expression, was once enough to signal people to change the topic.

If a follow-up is necessary, Miss Manners prefers, “Can we speak about something else?” to the frank, “I’m still not able to talk about it.” The latter may result in your drink partner leaving to find someone more upbeat -- but someone with so little empathy is not, perhaps, much of a loss.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)