DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have never been late for anything in our lives -- until recently. On two separate occasions in the past month, we have been reprimanded for not arriving at least 20 minutes before the time designated for professional appointments.

Granted, small print on the cards advised arriving earlier, but if the appointed time clearly designated on the card is 3:30, we feel that we are not late until then. If we need to be there at 3:10, then 3:10 should be the appointed time, not 3:30.

I never considered appointment times to be subjective, and I haven’t been particularly polite to those who accused us of being late. What is going on here? Has someone changed the definition of “appointed time”?

GENTLE READER: It seems that all people now make up their own definitions, so Miss Manners cannot blame you for being confused. Doctors’ offices are among the worst offenders, issuing appointments ostensibly for the time that the doctor is ready to see you. Would that it were so.

But this then makes necessary the admonition you mention so that patients will arrive with sufficient time to fill out the mounds of required paperwork.

Professionals who wish to show respect for patients -- and perhaps also for tight schedules, both their own and their patients’ -- would do well to begin issuing appointments for the time when the client is expected to arrive. She notes that surgical hospitals have already achieved this miracle, unfortunately by subtracting not minutes, but hours, from the time when the doctor is ready to receive.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: It was my friend’s 30th birthday party, and everyone made the journey quite far out of town to attend and give her gifts. When we presented her with her gifts, she opened all the birthday cards but left the presents.

I usually like to open a present when it is given to me and thank the person right away, but I respect those who don’t want to put on a show of opening presents and prefer to thank the giver later.

Three days later, everyone who attended the party received a group Facebook message saying, “I finally got around to opening all my birthday presents, and now I don’t know who any of them are from! I’m so disorganized, haha!”

I was a little miffed that she was so flippant about presents we had all put time into choosing for her for a special birthday. Thoughts?

GENTLE READER: Your friend certainly does not think ahead. It did not occur to her that separating the cards from the presents would cause a problem. It did not occur to her that her message would cause ill feeling. And it did not occur to her that since her message contains no words of thanks, she has yet either to display any gratitude or to solve the problem of how to do so.

It is clear to Miss Manners that she is in need of a friend. Write back to her and the group in a light tone, telling her what you gave. This will encourage everyone else to chime in. If she does not then use this information to make individual thanks, you have Miss Manners’ permission to resume being miffed.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the protocol for addressing a U.S. citizen by a title they obtained through marriage, e.g., “countess” or “princess”?

A newspaper book reviewer referred to Lee Radziwill as “princess.” In another article, a reality television “star” refers to herself as “countess.” Both women are American.

Is it correct for Americans to use such titles? I always thought that Americans should not -- that, in the words of a dear, late friend, “It’s just not done.”

GENTLE READER: Yes, but so many things that are just not done are done.

Those who retain their American citizenship should not use titles in reference to themselves. For that matter, no titled people, domestic or foreign, should ever refer to themselves by using their own titles. This is such an established tradition among aristocrats that anyone who violates it is under suspicion of using a false title.

But one of your examples is the opposite: namely, how other Americans should address or refer to those with titles. Miss Manners sees several factors at play here: courtesy, practicality and silliness.

Addressing people as they wish to be addressed is a matter of courtesy.

The practical part is so that we know which Elizabeth you are talking about.

Those reasons alone would justify using the titles by which these celebrities are known.

As for the silliness: Many Americans are frightfully fond of titles, and toss them around haphazardly. It was impossible to convince such people that there was no “Princess Diana.” She was styled Lady Diana because of her birth -- itself a courtesy title, because the British recognize only one title holder in a family -- and, by marriage, Diana, Princess of Wales.

The error that Miss Manners sees is not in addressing others by their titles but in doing so incorrectly.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I were invited to a wedding in which the bride and groom had set up a charity registry. I was very glad to see information on the three charities designated for wedding tributes highlighted on the couple’s website, since this was our first experience with this type of event.

While I’m certainly not “Miss Manners,” I was somewhat surprised that the charity registry was mentioned again on the formal wedding invitation. As we drove in rush-hour traffic from the airport to the hotel on wedding weekend, we each received emails from the bride and groom. (Other wedding guests we know received the identical email.) The message was a reminder to arrive on time for the ceremony and to “please keep in mind that we have established a charity registry for this event, designating gifts to three charities that are near and dear to our hearts. Please give generously.”

What’s your thought on all of this? By the way, nearly one year has passed and most of the guests at this event have yet to receive thank-you notes from the bride and groom.

GENTLE READER: That is because they are busy thanking themselves for being so generous and charitable, using your money. Miss Manners has always thought it odd that those who pride themselves on being virtuous at others’ expense so often fail to practice the virtue of gratitude.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My roommate clips his fingernails into the sink and washes the cuttings down the drain. I’ve asked dozens of people over the years, and not a single one has expressed anything less than disgust. Another factor is that it clogs the sink drain, which he takes care of ... eventually.

Now, this is a good friend of mine, and we generally get along really well as roommates. He doesn’t handle confrontation very well, though, and is often resistant to change. So I’ve swallowed it; he doesn’t need the stress over something that really is a minor issue. No big deal.

But it’s still a little ping of irritation in the bathroom once in a while. It just seems so gross and weird to me (and everyone else, apparently). I’m not sure I’m looking for solution, but I’d be interested in your thoughts on the matter.

GENTLE READER: All sorts of disgusting things go down the drain. That is what it is for. Miss Manners does not advise you to get into an argument about the relative disgusting-ness of everything down there.

But surely you must want a solution. Small irritations, repeated often enough, lead to the breakup of civility, if not of households.

And you have two grounds of argument against your roommate’s practice. One is the danger of these clippings clogging the sink. Not being a plumber, Miss Manners is not certain of this possibility.

But there is no doubt that you are annoyed. The outlook is not bright for people who live together in a state of annoyance. This should be the sole grounds on which you appeal to him to stop. Not that it’s “gross and weird,” nor even that when sufficiently provoked, you might turn violent.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My next-door neighbor’s daughter died at just 16 years old. My family and I feel so bad, but what do you say to someone when they are experiencing a child’s death?

I don’t like doing what other people do, as I would like it to be sentimental. Do you have any ideas and what is the appropriate etiquette during a turbulent time like this?

GENTLE READER: Of course you want to be sentimental, in the sense of showing genuine sentiments (as opposed to the exaggerated quality the word often implies). And you don’t want to reel off the mechanical “thoughts and prayers” response that has become so automatic.

Yet the ways to express genuine compassion to the bereaved are conventional. You want them to know that you feel for them, and the greatest comfort is to speak to them of the importance of the person they have lost. Miss Manners cautions you not to be afraid of doing this in the customary ways: letters, visits, flowers, food. Do not try to guess or predict their feelings or offer false comfort. People say such hurtful things -- typically “I know how you feel,” “You’ll have other children” or “It’s time for you to pull yourself together” -- when they try to be original.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)