life

Focus on Phones Can Lead to Slapstick-style Pileups

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | August 10th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In this digital age, I increasingly find myself brought up short at store entrances and exits, at the tops and bottoms of escalators and in the middle of sidewalks by people who must respond to a text immediately or edit a selfie before posting on social media.

Of course, this is nothing new, and my response has been to say, “Excuse me,” with the hope that the persons blocking my path will step to the side. But what is the polite follow-up when they do not move, and continue to block the way? (At times, I have not been able to stop in time and have accidentally bumped into them, but this does not seem an optimal strategy.)

GENTLE READER: Perhaps Miss Manners has enjoyed too much slapstick in her day, but causing a human pile-up seems to her an amusing strategy for making your point -- if only you could keep from harming anyone in the process. She supposes there is no guarantee.

In lieu of that, a gentle touch on both shoulders to physically move the traffic-blockers should sufficiently startle them into never wanting to cause the problem again.

life

Miss Manners for August 10, 2018

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | August 10th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a tall gentleman, and many times when I go to sit in a theater, the patrons behind me will become upset and say vile things, fearing that I will block their view. I slouch down as far as can, but sometimes that does not ease their perceived inconvenience.

I try to ignore the conversation, though it is barely a foot away and therefore fully audible, and can be upsetting. I am sensitive to the needs of others and do my best to appease them without openly acknowledging their insults, but many times the barrage continues. How do I address such behavior?

GENTLE READER: Face the situation with your tall head on. Miss Manners recommends you say something like, “I am so sorry that I am a bit vertically well-endowed. I am doing my best to stay out of your way.” And then if snickers take over for snarky remarks, at least you will have willingly participated in their source.

life

Miss Manners for August 10, 2018

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | August 10th, 2018 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was given a gift while out with friends for an occasion that was not the one being celebrated (specifically, a gift for my new baby while out for a friend’s birthday). I thanked the giver and quietly tucked it under the table to be opened later.

When I called my friend the next day to thank her, she mentioned she wished she could have seen my face when I opened it. Was I right not to open it on the spot, since my new baby was not the reason for the celebration? Or should hand-delivered gifts always be opened immediately when given?

GENTLE READER: As your friend delivered this present at her convenience, it is only fitting that you opened it at yours. You were tactful to wait. Miss Manners hopes your friend will realize that and not deprive you of future presents -- delivered when you are the one being celebrated or the two of you are alone -- so that she can fully enjoy your face.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Seat at the Bridge Table Is Offered, Then Yanked Away

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | August 9th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother and I have played party bridge for many, many years with several different groups. One group has only two tables of four women, for a total of eight women, whom they call the “regulars.” My mother and I are substitutes and fill in when asked.

Lately, when a regular cancels, we are called, only to be called back the following day and told, “Oh, so-and-so decided to play after all, so I won’t need you.”

I find this rude and in poor taste, don’t you? This has happened several times recently. I hoped that bridge etiquette would address this.

GENTLE READER: Bridge player though she is, Miss Manners has never understood players who interpret the rules as barring the door to anyone whose friends do not come in exact multiples of four. Has the dummy not noticed that at least one person will always be sitting out in every hand? Of all sports, bridge is particularly amenable to socializing.

Better to rotate the extra person in between rubbers than to rescind an invitation. But if the seriousness of the players absolutely requires consistent teams, then the regulars should be instructed that telling the hostess they are unavailable can no more be taken back than a thoughtless lead.

life

Miss Manners for August 09, 2018

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | August 9th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While sitting with a group at a restaurant table, is it considered the height of rudeness to abruptly interrupt someone while he or she is announcing his or her food order to a waiter or waitress?

Such was a serious problem I had several years ago. While I was telling a waiter what I wanted to eat, a nervy woman in our group interrupted me, snapping in front of everyone, “You should order something else!”

I was never so humiliated in all my life! I was so overwhelmed that I did not know what to say. I was dumbstruck. I gave her a dirty look, but she only looked at me and the others and laughed in my face, not caring that she upset me. To me, that is no way to act in what my mother calls “polite company.”

I wish I had said to her, “If I want your help, what do you say you lemme ask for it!” How would you have dealt with a situation such as this one?

GENTLE READER: Not by returning thoughtless rudeness with snide rudeness.

Miss Manners infers from your reaction that the woman’s injunction contained an implied criticism, perhaps to your selection’s being, in her mind, unhealthy. She understands why you might feel annoyed, but reminds you that you are surely not the only one at the table who noticed this person’s rudeness.

The correct response is to ignore the interjection entirely by firmly completing your order, and then resuming a prior conversation with other members of the party. By making your displeasure clear, you will enlist the help of polite company in embarrassing the nervy woman -- rather than rewarding her by acknowledging her openly.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Don’t Want to Give a Lecture? Then Don’t

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | August 8th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper way to offer kindness and condolences to someone who has experienced a tragedy as the result of their own poor choices (e.g. legal troubles, reckless motor accident, etc.)?

I realize this is no time for a lecture, and I do not want to give one -- I simply want to offer kindness and help. But it seems trite to say “I’m so sorry X happened” when X was obviously a result of the person’s own lack of forethought or good judgment. However, it seems borderline delusional to just ignore it.

GENTLE READER: The proper way to offer kindness and condolences -- without giving a lecture, which would almost certainly be unwelcome -- is to do so.

You know that the person made poor choices. Given the results, he likely knows he made poor choices. Miss Manners now knows he made poor choices. The only delusion would be in thinking that one cannot be aware of something without being bound to give voice to it at every opportunity.

life

Miss Manners for August 08, 2018

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | August 8th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My father’s family lives in another state, and it takes almost a full day to drive there. When we visit, we stay with his sister, who then extends open invitations to all other family members in the area to come and see us anytime. Dinner is usually included in that invitation.

Many of my aunts, uncles and cousins drive over to visit, but a handful do not -- and then make comments about how we never come to see them. Should we be expected to drive to each and every relative’s residence when we visit? Or is it too much to expect our nearby relations to come see us when their schedule permits?

GENTLE READER: Depending on circumstances, it may or may not be too much to expect nearby relations to come to you (or, in this case, to your aunt’s). But it is not too much for them to extend an invitation if they want you to come to them. Such an invitation could easily have been made when they were turning down your aunt’s. Miss Manners does not give even partial credit for their merely complaining after the fact.

life

Miss Manners for August 08, 2018

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | August 8th, 2018 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I stuck my head into the office of the owner of a retail establishment. I wanted to thank him for something, and his wife had suggested that I stop by his office, where he was having lunch. I walked in with my hand out, saying, “Thank you ...” (I am a lady.)

He neither rose from his seat nor extended his hand. He merely said, “I don’t shake hands when I am eating.”

While I appreciate his hygiene, am I wrong to feel insulted? I’m quite sure soap and hot water were available for cleaning himself before resuming his meal.

GENTLE READER: This man’s hygiene is hardly commendable when it becomes an excuse for rudeness. If he truly felt unable to shake your hand, he could have simply apologized, nodded and smiled at you. Miss Manners hopes for his sake that he never finds himself in the presence of late-arriving dignitaries.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

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