DEAR MISS MANNERS: My fiance and I are getting married at the end of this year, and I’ve asked three of my dearest friends to be bridesmaids. Sadly, one of my bridesmaids, Rhonda, and her longtime boyfriend broke up shortly after we got engaged.

Rhonda was completely blindsided and devastated. She thought her boyfriend was getting ready to propose. We would talk on the phone for hours, or she would ask me to come over almost every day, and I would try to be there for her.

After about three months of this, she seemed to be getting past it. Rhonda asked if she could come with my mom and me to look for my wedding dress, and of course I was happy to have her there.

But about 20 minutes into the appointment, she completely broke down into tears and ran out of the store. I went after her (I had to change out of the dress I was in) trying to comfort her, and then I asked if it was too hard for her to be involved in the wedding planning. I didn’t want her to feel obligated to me if it was upsetting her so much. She took that as an insult and accused me of trying to kick her out of the bridal party.

Since then, the same thing has happened at my bridal shower (that Rhonda insisted on throwing) and my bachelorette party. Each time, I’ve ended up spending half the night consoling her.

I feel awful that she’s in so much pain, but I’m also a bit concerned that the same thing will happen on the day of our wedding. I’m so excited to marry my fiance and I want to be present and happy on that day. However, I suspect that Rhonda will be sobbing through the entire wedding, and not out of joy. What should I do?

GENTLE READER: Rhonda’s situation is unfortunate, but Miss Manners objects -- as do you -- to her misuse of both etiquette and friendship. Friendship involves a reciprocity of sympathy and support. You have shown enormous support for her. She was invited to participate in your wedding not because of any requirement of etiquette, but because you wanted and expected her to share in your happiness.

If this is not possible, then the polite thing for her to do is to withdraw regretfully. She is misusing etiquette by misbehaving -- and counting on the fact that you will not rudely withdraw an invitation. Her insistence on co-opting wedding-related events into her own recovery becomes, after a point, a misuse of your friendship.

You have Miss Manners’ blessing to forgo dealing with future outbursts so that you can focus your attention elsewhere. But there is another debt of friendship that you can ask one of those other dearest friends who is serving as a bridesmaid: Assign her to monitor Rhonda and keep her from becoming a burden, even, if necessary, gently turning aside with her during the ceremony.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When a man asked if I would date him, I politely declined his request. I told him that we could still be friends. Since then, he has been acting as if we are in a serious relationship. He has been calling me “hon” and putting his arm around me. This makes me feel very uncomfortable. How do I tell him I am not interested and still be kind?

GENTLE READER: There is only one response that this man would consider kind, and he does not merit it. Miss Manners recommends instead a noticeable coldness, including saying “Please don’t touch me,” as being both more deserved and more effective.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My brother and sister-in-law are very kind to me, letting me stay at their house for visits, inviting me to their children’s birthdays and so on. But what on earth do I do when they have asked me to one of the children’s parties, and it turns out the mother-in-law is hosting?

They don’t tell her I am coming, and she is always surprised to see me. Half the time they don’t tell me it isn’t their party either, or my brother swears up and down he will tell her and then just mentions it casually after she’s walked in the door. (The parties are usually held at my brother’s house and are informal, with MIL bringing food and presents for the children.)

Once, she took them out to a restaurant, and they took me along as an uninvited guest. I was completely mortified that they not only didn’t tell her, but that they didn’t tell me they hadn’t. I tried to pay for my share, but she refused. I tried to write her a thank-you note, but my brother refused to give it to her or to give me her address, saying only, “I know she doesn’t mind! She just is startled to see you, that’s all.” (Sister-in-law supports him in this.)

Poor MIL tries to be nice about it, saying, “Oh! You’re here! It’s always a pleasure to see you, but Ethan didn’t mention you.” I always feel completely mortified and somewhat used, since Ethan usually only invites me to keep an eye on the kids. I just want to know if there is anything I can say to MIL, or to Ethan when this happens again.

GENTLE READER: It is time to fire Ethan -- not as your brother, necessarily, but certainly as your go-between with his mother-in-law.

As it sounds like you will be thrown together with her soon enough, Miss Manners recommends a private talk in which you express your gratitude for past favors, your embarrassment at being an unexpected encumbrance -- and your need for an address to which to post thank-you letters. If she is as gracious as you believe, the result may well be a new, warm family relationship, free from unintended slights. She is no doubt familiar with the ways of her daughter and son-in-law.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a polite way to pre-empt people from coming to visit at the hospital?

Last time I was in the hospital, my boss and his wife came to see me. I was horrified! After three days without a shower and looking and feeling my worst ever, I was totally humiliated. I will never be able to look him in the eye again.

Another friend came and stayed for over an hour in spite of my hints and then outright pleas that I wanted to be alone. The next day she showed up again, and I totally lost it, telling her, “Out! Out!”

Now I’m scheduled for another hospital stay, and people are already asking which hospital I’ll be in. I’ve said that I appreciate their kindness, but don’t want visitors. I fear this is falling on deaf ears.

GENTLE READER: And you show your appreciation by shunning your boss (do you plan to quit your job?) and shouting at your faithful friend?

There are special polite social protections and leeway granted to hospital patients. You can ask the staff to say that you cannot have visitors, without the need to specify that it is because you don’t want them. You can post a sign on your door saying “No visitors allowed.” And if they get past these barriers, you can still fall asleep during a visit, or announce the intention to do so by saying, “Forgive me, I am afraid that I am supposed to be resting.”

Miss Manners wishes that you will recover your health, but also that when you do so, you will still have a job and some friends.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: There seems to be an assumption now that a mother will pay a sitter when she goes on a date. But growing up in the ‘80s, it was my understanding that the mother’s date would pay. Should someone offer to cover the sitter when asking out a single parent?

GENTLE READER: Really? Was it as recently as that when there were enough single mothers of young children dating so as to establish rules about costs?

In any case, there was no such rule. It is true that the customs of courting costs have changed. But that is in regard to the costs of the event itself.

Formerly, it was awkward for polite ladies to reciprocate, by pretending to have been given theater tickets or staging an occasional home-cooked meal. Although gentlemen were supposed to pay the bills incurred during the date, it was never the case -- as some ladies still like to maintain -- that their guests were entirely free of obligation.

But each was always supposed to meet the respective costs of preparing for the date -- clothes come to mind -- and Miss Manners imagines it would be awkward for a gentleman to offer to pay for the sitter, unless the couple were beyond the mere dating stage. It would be unseemly for the lady to expect this.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)