DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was raised to believe that, in casual conversation, asking someone to pass an item by saying, “Could you get that for me?” and then saying “thank you” when it was received was acceptable. My husband feels that this is rude, and that every request must include a “please.”

People I’ve asked agree that simply asking, and then ending with a “thank you,” is fine, but my mother-in-law very pointedly corrects our children for doing this when asking each other for things.

Is it possible that my own dear parents taught me incorrectly, and I’ve been inadvertently being rude my whole life, and now have passed this on to my children? Your advice would be greatly appreciated!

GENTLE READER: Thank you, but would it still be appreciated even if it means telling you that your own dear parents taught you incorrectly and you have been inadvertently being rude your whole life and have now passed this on to your children?

And, as a bonus, that those you have queried are equally wrong?

Miss Manners prefers to believe that you misunderstood your parents. Otherwise they would be the first progenitors in history actively to instruct their children not to say please when making a request.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At the funeral of a very dear person who was a founding member of the church I attend, I approached the deceased’s sister outside the church prior to the start of the service. I attempted to hug her and express my condolences. The sister all but recoiled, stating that she was not accepting any displays of condolence because it was “too upsetting” to her. Another family member, who was standing nearby at the time, just looked at me with a kind of “what-can-you-do?” expression on her face.

I was stunned and somewhat embarrassed because other people standing near enough heard her say this. I have not seen this person since the funeral about one month ago, and I am still a little rubbed about her behavior.

Should I be? She even made a remark to the effect that she knew her niece -- the deceased’s daughter -- would probably hear about it and be upset with her, but that she didn’t care.

GENTLE READER: Thus both admitting and defending being rude to you.

Although we try to make allowances for the emotional state of those in fresh mourning, that does not include hurting other mourners by repulsing condolences. On the contrary, the immediately bereaved should be representing the deceased to those who also feel their loss.

So yes, Miss Manners agrees that you should be a little rubbed about this behavior. And that for the sake of your late friend, you will now let it go.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is a man saying when he wears shoes without socks? Is this appropriate in formal settings (i.e. weddings, church, business meetings)?

GENTLE READER: Perhaps that he cares more about being comfortable -- or in this case, Miss Manners would imagine, uncomfortable, if he is wearing proper shoes -- than being dressed for the occasion.

But Miss Manners also asks herself what it says about those who are peering down his pant legs to notice.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister invited me to join her, her husband and another couple for brunch. We would be a group of five, as I am single.

When I arrived, the four of them had already been seated and their four chairs were clustered together around three quarters of a circular table. My chair was comparatively removed from the other four in the middle of the remaining quarter of the circle. I was seated between my sister and brother-in-law with their friends directly opposite me.

As the meal progressed, I felt increasingly isolated as I frequently found both my sister and brother-in-law simultaneously engaged in one-on-one conversations with the wife and husband opposite me. I would sit in silence, not sure where to look.

My relative distance from them and their proximity to each other effectively compounded the effect, by impacting my ability to hear what was being said in a noisy restaurant. Additionally, often both my sister and brother-in-law physically turned their bodies away from me as they engaged with their neighbor on the opposite side.

Throughout the meal, all I really wanted to do was get up and leave. The one thing that prevented me from doing so was fear of my actions being considered histrionics. Consequently, I finished the meal in relative silence until my sister finally sought to engage me in conversation following dessert.

How would you have handled the situation? Is there a way to politely take your leave of a meal without causing a scene in such a situation? As it happened, I said nothing, and later sent an email explaining how I was hurt by what had happened.

GENTLE READER: Call in the authorities.

Miss Manners is not suggesting histrionics in the form of police assistance, but to call in those with even greater power: the ones in charge of restaurant seating. When you sized up the situation, you could have asked if there were smaller tables so that you all could better hear one another. Even if none were available, this would alert your lunch companions to the awkward placement of your chair -- and encouraged them to be aware of it, and converse accordingly.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend canceled her wedding just a few weeks before it was to take place. I had already sent a gift from the registry, which was never returned or acknowledged.

Now, several months later, the couple has reconciled and rescheduled the wedding. I do not wish to buy another gift, but plan to write a card. Should I acknowledge the gift in any way? She gave me a wedding gift, so I do not want her to think that I did not give her one. She may have lost track of my gift in the upheaval of the canceled wedding.

GENTLE READER: Write in the card: “I am so thrilled to hear that you and Ragmar have reconciled. I was hoping that the silver nut dish would get used by both of you. Now both of our dreams are being realized. I look forward to the wedding.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have three children with two different fathers. My youngest daughter does not have anything to do with her father.

I do not have a good relationship with my ex-husband (father to the oldest two). I caught him with another woman in my bed when my baby was 2 months old. He is now married to her. There is bad blood between the woman and me; she has done a lot of mean things to me through the years.

I know I have to deal with them at family events that involve the oldest two children, and I am always nice, even though it is very stressful to me. I have had a really rough year this year: I had to put my parents in assisted living, as my mother has dementia and my stepfather is dying of cancer. I have also had some pretty serious health issues.

My youngest daughter is getting married. She invited the father of my oldest two children, not expecting they would actually accept. Now I have to be around them at the wedding when I am already upset and not at my best.

I don’t know how I can be nice this time. I feel they do not belong at her wedding.

I am unable to let go of my anger. I feel it was inappropriate for my daughter to invite them, first of all, without asking me how I felt about it. I also feel it was inappropriate for them to accept the invitation, since they well know how I feel. Is there any way to uninvite them?

GENTLE READER: While your daughter may have acted under a flawed and incorrect assumption (inviting people with the hope that they will not attend rarely works out in anyone’s favor), you cannot reasonably reverse it without incurring even more stress for everyone. You might have a talk with your daughter, however, about future events -- and penance, in the form of running interference and limiting unpleasant interactions whenever possible.

Barring that, Miss Manners is afraid that you have no choice but to muster up any strength you have left to take a higher road and be at least nominally polite to the couple. Doing so, she points out, has the likely added benefit of infuriating the new wife. So that, at least, is fun.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am naturally sociable and have friends over to my home a lot. I enjoy it.

Before the appointed arrival time, I am usually in the bathroom getting ready, or busy in the kitchen with last-minute details. I have friends who mistakenly feel it a sign of enthusiasm to arrive early. My mother always said it was more rude to be five minutes early than 30 minutes late.

I love my friends, but wish they would not show up early. What should I do or say?

GENTLE READER: Get ready faster. If the sight of you still half-dressed with food unprepared does not discourage these guests, then Miss Manners suggests a later start time for them -- and an earlier one for you.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)