DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have three children with two different fathers. My youngest daughter does not have anything to do with her father.

I do not have a good relationship with my ex-husband (father to the oldest two). I caught him with another woman in my bed when my baby was 2 months old. He is now married to her. There is bad blood between the woman and me; she has done a lot of mean things to me through the years.

I know I have to deal with them at family events that involve the oldest two children, and I am always nice, even though it is very stressful to me. I have had a really rough year this year: I had to put my parents in assisted living, as my mother has dementia and my stepfather is dying of cancer. I have also had some pretty serious health issues.

My youngest daughter is getting married. She invited the father of my oldest two children, not expecting they would actually accept. Now I have to be around them at the wedding when I am already upset and not at my best.

I don’t know how I can be nice this time. I feel they do not belong at her wedding.

I am unable to let go of my anger. I feel it was inappropriate for my daughter to invite them, first of all, without asking me how I felt about it. I also feel it was inappropriate for them to accept the invitation, since they well know how I feel. Is there any way to uninvite them?

GENTLE READER: While your daughter may have acted under a flawed and incorrect assumption (inviting people with the hope that they will not attend rarely works out in anyone’s favor), you cannot reasonably reverse it without incurring even more stress for everyone. You might have a talk with your daughter, however, about future events -- and penance, in the form of running interference and limiting unpleasant interactions whenever possible.

Barring that, Miss Manners is afraid that you have no choice but to muster up any strength you have left to take a higher road and be at least nominally polite to the couple. Doing so, she points out, has the likely added benefit of infuriating the new wife. So that, at least, is fun.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am naturally sociable and have friends over to my home a lot. I enjoy it.

Before the appointed arrival time, I am usually in the bathroom getting ready, or busy in the kitchen with last-minute details. I have friends who mistakenly feel it a sign of enthusiasm to arrive early. My mother always said it was more rude to be five minutes early than 30 minutes late.

I love my friends, but wish they would not show up early. What should I do or say?

GENTLE READER: Get ready faster. If the sight of you still half-dressed with food unprepared does not discourage these guests, then Miss Manners suggests a later start time for them -- and an earlier one for you.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it all right to brush a child’s hair at the breakfast table, or is that a no-no? We are often in a rush at breakfast to get our children to school on time.

GENTLE READER: Rules for the family breakfast table are more relaxed than for more formal occasions. But Miss Manners still prefers to separate grooming from eating -- rather than having to separate hair from cereal.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was invited to a wedding shower for my nephew’s bride-to-be. She had registered at a very nice store for her gifts.

I was unable to attend the shower, and spoke with a sales consultant over the phone, who narrowed the choices to my price range. She took care of the details on mailing.

It was a lovely gift, sent directly to the bride. A few days before the shower, the mother of the groom (my sister-in-law) texted me to chastise me for not having the gift wrapped. Apparently, because of the new couple’s small apartment, packages were mailed to my sister-in-law’s house, though addressed to the bride.

My sister-in-law was not hosting the wedding shower, but she texted that she would wrap the gift “for me.” I replied “thank you,” though it was very upsetting.

I looked at the registry on my computer, and the bride had left a note stating “please do not add gift-wrap.” Some couples are preferring this option for the sake of the environment, or simply to save their guests a fee.

I texted my sister-in-law about the wrapping request on the registry and her response was, “I didn’t know they cared about the environment.” No apology for opening a package not addressed to her. No apology for chastising me about the lack of gift-wrapping.

I sent a lovely gift that the couple had registered for, and got grief!! Would you please review gift etiquette? Especially with new trends with young couples.

GENTLE READER: Happy as she would be to review the relevant etiquette, Miss Manners fears it would not solve your problem: Neither the bride, nor you, were in any way remiss.

Your sister-in-law, by contrast, is guilty of at last one etiquette violation -- if not also of the almost-as-serious crime of tampering with the mail. When you received the first text, you had the opportunity to thank your sister-in-law for the offer to wrap the gift, while pointedly explaining that it was unnecessary since the bride had requested that gifts not be wrapped. Follow-ups after that are, as you discovered, unlikely to have much impact.

What remains is to prevent the exchange from coloring your relationship with your niece-in-law -- and to learn to be wary in future dealings with your sister-in-law.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m a 20-year-old wanting to follow manners more closely and inform others in my age range.

What is the proper first-date invitation timing? I remember as a kid being told not to accept a date for the weekend after Wednesday. So should a first-date invitation be given out/accepted for two days or more later?

GENTLE READER: Your honesty about how you intend to apply Miss Manners’ advice makes her leery of offering any.

Correcting one’s friend’s manners is not only rude, but also likely to diminish their numbers. While there is no definite rule about how far in advance a date must be proposed, Miss Manners thinks that would-be suitors who cut it too close are liable to learn that someone else has beaten them to it. She has no objection to your leaving them with this impression -- even if it is not strictly true -- in the hopes that they will plan ahead next time.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What can one say that sounds like “congratulations,” but is perhaps a bit like offering condolences?

My friend has just volunteered for an unpleasant and difficult job at a large organization we’re both active in. It is the sort of job that involves telling people “no” to things that they believe are reasonable, except that they are not in possession of relevant confidential information.

I happen to know that he offered to do this solely because he learned that the few original candidates were entirely unsuitable for a position requiring sensitivity and tact.

Why he volunteered, however, is not public knowledge. In theory, he is honored that they chose him after interviewing many excellent candidates.

What can I say to him (in public) that will sound like “Congratulations, you must be so pleased to win such an important position” (especially if the people who were not chosen, and who might be feeling disappointed or rejected, are within earshot), but that actually means something closer to “You poor thing, I’m so sorry that you got stuck with this miserable, time-consuming, friendship-destroying, soul-sucking job, even though I agree with you that the other candidates were impossibly unsuitable”?

GENTLE READER: Much as she likes a good challenge, Miss Manners wonders why it is necessary to convey all of this information in a single, public pass. Is your friend planning to make his new duties easier by relocating to an office across town, where neither you, nor anyone else, is likely to see him again? She also wonders what is accomplished by conveying your agreement that the other candidates were unqualified, other than to demonstrate that you have inside knowledge.

Those, however, were not your questions. Approach from an angle that puts you facing your friend but leaves your back to the other inhabitants of the room. Move in close, shake his hand, and say, “Congratulations. That’s wonderful that you got the job. There were so many qualified candidates. It’s a challenging assignment.”

So long as no one else can see you roll your eyes when you speak of the “many qualified candidates,” or smirk at “challenging assignment,” Miss Manners will not report you.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)