DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m a 20-year-old wanting to follow manners more closely and inform others in my age range.

What is the proper first-date invitation timing? I remember as a kid being told not to accept a date for the weekend after Wednesday. So should a first-date invitation be given out/accepted for two days or more later?

GENTLE READER: Your honesty about how you intend to apply Miss Manners’ advice makes her leery of offering any.

Correcting one’s friend’s manners is not only rude, but also likely to diminish their numbers. While there is no definite rule about how far in advance a date must be proposed, Miss Manners thinks that would-be suitors who cut it too close are liable to learn that someone else has beaten them to it. She has no objection to your leaving them with this impression -- even if it is not strictly true -- in the hopes that they will plan ahead next time.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What can one say that sounds like “congratulations,” but is perhaps a bit like offering condolences?

My friend has just volunteered for an unpleasant and difficult job at a large organization we’re both active in. It is the sort of job that involves telling people “no” to things that they believe are reasonable, except that they are not in possession of relevant confidential information.

I happen to know that he offered to do this solely because he learned that the few original candidates were entirely unsuitable for a position requiring sensitivity and tact.

Why he volunteered, however, is not public knowledge. In theory, he is honored that they chose him after interviewing many excellent candidates.

What can I say to him (in public) that will sound like “Congratulations, you must be so pleased to win such an important position” (especially if the people who were not chosen, and who might be feeling disappointed or rejected, are within earshot), but that actually means something closer to “You poor thing, I’m so sorry that you got stuck with this miserable, time-consuming, friendship-destroying, soul-sucking job, even though I agree with you that the other candidates were impossibly unsuitable”?

GENTLE READER: Much as she likes a good challenge, Miss Manners wonders why it is necessary to convey all of this information in a single, public pass. Is your friend planning to make his new duties easier by relocating to an office across town, where neither you, nor anyone else, is likely to see him again? She also wonders what is accomplished by conveying your agreement that the other candidates were unqualified, other than to demonstrate that you have inside knowledge.

Those, however, were not your questions. Approach from an angle that puts you facing your friend but leaves your back to the other inhabitants of the room. Move in close, shake his hand, and say, “Congratulations. That’s wonderful that you got the job. There were so many qualified candidates. It’s a challenging assignment.”

So long as no one else can see you roll your eyes when you speak of the “many qualified candidates,” or smirk at “challenging assignment,” Miss Manners will not report you.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My boyfriend and I went to the shoe store to return a pair of shoes he bought that were too small. He was a little nervous about it. It all went well, and he was able to get them in a larger size.

As we left, he thanked the saleswoman and gave her a kiss on the cheek.

I’m thinking this is inappropriate. Am I wrong? I know he was just trying to be gracious.

GENTLE READER: Let us suppose that it had been your unaccompanied father exchanging shoes, and then expressing his satisfaction with the transaction by kissing the saleswoman.

Would you even be asking this question?

Miss Manners is guessing that you would be too occupied trying to explain to the police that this was only his way of saying “thank you.” Perhaps if the report were being taken by a female police officer, he could express his thanks to her as well.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a widow, and find it quite distressing when I receive mail addressed to me as “Mrs. John Doe.” Since I am no longer married, what is the proper address? I hate the term Ms., and I usually just use my first name and (married) last name when signing correspondence.

Other times, I receive mail addressed to my first and last name with Mrs. as the title. Since I’m not married to myself, this seems incorrect. I’m at a loss as to how to ask people to address me. I have other widow friends who are also wondering the same.

GENTLE READER: You are a bit hard to please. And pleasing individuals was the intention of allowing people a range of choices in how they are addressed.

It’s not working. Rather than increased tolerance, it has led to unilateral denunciations of other people’s choices, and unreasonable anger on the part of people who considered themselves insulted by one or more of the available forms.

Miss Manners means you. You hate them all.

“Mrs. John Doe” is the traditional form for a widow, which is now grandmothered in for those who prefer it, but inappropriate for use in the professional world.

“Mrs. Lily Doe” is a common, if admittedly puzzling, variation generally associated with divorcees.

The revival of “Ms.,” a centuries-old abbreviation of “mistress” -- a title that used to be respectable and universally applied regardless of marital status, in the way that “mister“ still applies to males -- was supposed to solve the issue.

But you hate it. Fine. Miss Manners is saddened at the removal of courtesy in addressing people, but don’t ask her to invent something else for you to hate.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Are people expected to let a host know they are not able to attend a function, or just let them know if they plan to attend?

GENTLE READER: Are you so annoyed at people who propose to entertain you that you are seeking permission to ignore them unless you happen to want to take advantage of an opportunity?

Miss Manners would have thought that common sense and common decency would make you feel that meeting hospitable offers with silence is rude.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a niece who insists you have not addressed the issue of where to place cellphones in a formal table setting.

She has a strong opinion that when seated, one should remove the napkin to one’s lap and place the cellphone where the napkin was set.

GENTLE READER: Indeed, Miss Manners has addressed the issue of where to place cellphones at any table setting, formal or not. It is with the wraps.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In a best-selling novel I read, a female character that we aren’t supposed to like is humiliated at dinner for not removing her hat. Readers are supposed to cheer.

This seems to me to be a mistaken use of etiquette as a weapon. Never mind about the unacceptability of humiliating a dinner guest -- what say you, regarding women hatted at table?

GENTLE READER: Not having had the pleasure (or not) of reading this novel, Miss Manners can only rule that humiliating someone far exceeds any error that could be made at dinner with a hat, with the possible exception of passing it for contributions.

The traditional rule is that ladies may wear hats during the daytime, including at lunch. This was evening, however, when such a thing as a cocktail hat -- a bit of whimsical fluff appearing to have landed on the head by accident -- was considered permissible.

But as this is apparently a current novel, these forms of headwear are not in common use. Baseball caps, being unisex, are always wrong indoors, with no gender exceptions allowed.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Living in a remote vacation destination, I receive frequent requests from friends and acquaintances to stay in my home. I try to accommodate people with whom I have kept in touch.

Given the travel distance, most guests wish to stay one to two weeks. This is often much longer than the closeness of the relationship dictates, but I try to help make their stay more reasonably priced and enjoyable.

Some of my guests realize that long visits can be disruptive to the host’s life. They pitch in around the house, provide me time to keep my life going, and carry their weight financially.

Some behave as though I am running a tourism charity (expecting daily guided tours and nightly home-cooked meals). These same guests are also more likely to nickel and dime me on gas and food expenses, and are unlikely to help out with household chores.

Given the high cost of living here and the number of guests in my home, I cannot afford to provide my guests much beyond a clean house, and the occasional trip to the beach or sightseeing.

It feels awfully brusque to give potential guests a list of rules to agree to before booking their flight, or to tell them, “You’re on your own.” Is there a polite way to convey these limitations without alienating them?

GENTLE READER: Rather than abdicating responsibility and letting them alienate you?

Miss Manners understands that you only mean to be hospitable. But part of being a host is to set the terms of a visit. Not only does this mean mentioning the specific days, but saying, when necessary, “You should know that I have a lot of obligations then, so I hope you won’t mind being on your own a lot.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)