DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it rude to leave food getting cold when someone cooks for you?

This is a point of contention between my boyfriend and me. It irritates me to no end when I take the time to make a meal for him, and he lets it sit there getting cold while he does stupid things.

GENTLE READER: Letting one’s food get cold is not, in itself, an etiquette violation. The “stupid things” may be.

Examples include leaving the table during a meal without a good excuse, answering emails instead of engaging in conversation, and arranging stick-figure scenes with your green beans.

Miss Manners notes that the reward for changing those behaviors will be lively conversation that will bring you closer together. Assuming the conversation was not the stupid thing.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: After a death in my family, I appreciated that friends of mine attended the funeral. But I was surprised when one friend questioned me -- twice -- on whether a lunch would be provided.

I told her beforehand, and again the day of, that it would not be, but that she could stop by the family house for a snack and a chat if she’d like.

She seemed to find it rude that we had not arranged for the entire group to have lunch together. I did not return any argument. I just reissued the offer to stop at my house. I was raised that people brought food for the bereaved because they were too upset to cook, and that the food was for the family and out-of-towners, not a catered buffet.

Fast-forward two weeks. The same friend had a parent die. She went out of her way to tell me that she was welcoming everyone to a local restaurant. I thanked her, but said I couldn’t come that afternoon. I would see her at calling hours and the funeral.

I went to calling hours and to the funeral, got flowers, and sent a small deli assortment to her house. She was not satisfied that I didn’t come to the buffet. Again, I didn’t return arguments, just said I was sorry that I had other plans (like still mourning my own relative).

Did I behave as poorly, as she seems to think? I didn’t in any way criticize her mourning ritual, and I tried to be thoughtful, but I didn’t go to the luncheon. Is a luncheon for all of the guests at the funeral (even in-town folks) now assumed to be a regular function that mourners should assume? If that’s the case, I’ll save up and make myself do it the next time.

GENTLE READER: Multiple and complex cultural customs -- as well as an unseemly societal haste to get funerals over with so people can proceed to something more fun -- confound expectations surrounding internment. The tradition you describe is that associated with the home visit.

Miss Manners makes allowances for different forms of observance. She would expect friends to do no less -- and scrupulously to observe the normal ban on correcting another person’s manners -- at such a time.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What do you think of the practice of service people, teachers, instructors, etc. who take care of one’s children calling the mother “Mom”?

For example, I take my child to the doctor’s office and when the nurse calls my child to the room, she addresses me like this: “Mom, we are going to Room 3, do you have any questions today?”

I find this happens all the time, and I’m guessing that people don’t feel like introducing themselves and finding out the mother’s name. Personally, I think my children should be the only ones to address me as “Mom,” but perhaps I should get over it.

But then again, maybe they wouldn’t mind if I addressed them as “Nurse Person” or “Instructor.”

I make an effort to know these people who are taking care of my children. Why can’t service people return the courtesy by introducing themselves?

GENTLE READER: The receptionist has your name; it is right there on the forms you filled out as the adult accompanying your child. And if his or her name is on a badge, you can use that.

But there is no absolute need for introductions. You could have been addressed as “ma’am” (presuming you do not object on the grounds that you are not really a grown-up), or even “Oliver’s mother.”

But “Mom” is indeed cheeky. Miss Manners’ dear mother’s response to such impudence was a gentle, “But surely if I were your mother, I would remember you.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I are hosting a party for 40 people at a local restaurant in honor of my birthday. We will serve wine with the meal and champagne with dessert, but our budget precludes offering cocktails. What is the etiquette regarding cash bars? Would it be tacky to include a cash bar?

GENTLE READER: Yes. You may be sure that guests who are desperate for a drink will find their way to a bar on their own.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A so-called friend of 30 years sent me an insulting email. When I responded in anger, he sent me an email apology.

That’s just not good enough for me. I expected a face-to-face apology. He’s quick to remark about others’ actions, but when it comes to his own, he thinks he did the right thing.

His wife, who is a very old friend, has tried to defend him. My wife has explained my stance. He’s made no attempt to reconcile. They have now invited us to a party as if nothing happened. Should we attend?

GENTLE READER: Not if you wish to continue what is now a four-way feud and end a 30-year friendship. Or, as you would put it, a so-called friendship.

Otherwise, the invitation should be considered as a peace overture, and either accepted or declined with clear regret.

Not having seen the offensive email, Miss Manners does not know whether it expressed mere peevishness, which should be covered by an apology, or something heinous, which would require serious groveling.

But she does know that if there were a time-delay built into the Send button, her load would be lighter.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: More and more frequently, one is at a social gathering or at work and someone approaches with their latest DNA results on their phone. They then proceed to give you all the details of what percent they or their relatives are, in various ethnic categories, as revealed to them by an online company.

Given the ethnicity of the person I am talking to, I am usually not all that amazed at their results, due to knowing something about past European/Asian/African history and the shifting of populations through the ages for multiple reasons.

How can one politely inform these new recipients of DNA information that their findings are not all that amazing? I try to shift topics, but they seem intent on sharing their DNA backgrounds. Am I compelled by social etiquette to respond to their statement that they are less than .1 percent of a certain ethnicity, or whatever?

GENTLE READER: Yes, but fortunately not for long. You are obliged to say “How interesting!” before turning the conversation to something relevant, but still of general interest. And in this case, the subject could be human migration patterns.

Time was, when people were eager to bore others with details of their personal lives, they had to lure them home and feed them before showing movies of vacations or grandchildren. Now everyone can whip out a cellphone full of personal material. And you have identified a whole new topic. It was always possible to speak of one’s ancestors -- once considered a classical sign of a bore -- but then it rarely meant going back many centuries.

Anyway, Miss Manners reminds you of the all-purpose defense against being handed someone else’s device: Refuse it with the regretful statement, “No, no -- I’m so clumsy, I may drop it.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am not in the best financial position, making hourly wages and being 63 years old. My daughter invited me to Mother’s Day lunch, and my son invited me for Mother’s Day dinner. Am I supposed to bring presents to both my daughter and my daughter-in-law???

GENTLE READER: Surely it is only that they wish to honor you.

Well, maybe. The sweet concept of honoring one’s mother keeps spreading. Many husbands have adopted the habit of honoring their wives as mothers of their children, which seems not unreasonable as they have to help young children do this anyway.

But some mothers expect a bizarre U-turn, in which their mothers and mothers-in-law should honor them. And eventually, the concept became so diffused as to be applied to nearly everyone who is, or could be, a mother. Any female will do; those who are childless or bereaved complain of strangers presuming their maternal happiness.

Leaving aside the disdain that Miss Manners’ own dear mother had for Mother’s Day (on the grounds that there existed no day on which mothers should NOT be honored), things have gone too far.

You need only enjoy the arrangements that your children have made in your honor. No presents are necessary. But it would be gracious of you to take the opportunity to say some admiring words about the mothers of your grandchildren.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)