life

Bringing Back the ‘Salon’ to Facilitate Friendships

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | April 17th, 2018

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m almost in tears and I’m not even the one affected.

I have a difficult cousin who is getting married. She has no friends. No one is standing up for her, there are no showers or festivities, and the one abortive attempt at one was canceled because no one would come. I’ve had trouble with this person in the past, but I wouldn’t wish this on an enemy, much less a relative.

As I reflected on what I could do for her (I’m throwing a small party in her honor and prevailing on my own friends to come meet the bride), it occurred to me that I am surrounded by lonely friends, relatives and acquaintances who are living like virtual hermits. They only happen to brush up against other people at work or grocery shopping, often not even then, and they are depressed about it. I’m hardly a popular person, but I try to make introductions.

What can the somewhat-more-popular people do to relieve the friendlessness of the less popular people they know and care about? What has happened to society, Miss Manners?

Don’t worry, I won’t call it a shower when I fete my cousin, the bride. I may be an unwashed heathen about most things, but that much was drummed into my head.

GENTLE READER: Some of the things that happened to society:

Screen time.

Longer work hours.

Obligatory socializing with colleagues.

The shirking of guest responsibilities -- including answering invitations, showing up and reciprocating -- resulting in an unwillingness to entertain.

The shirking of host responsibilities, so that those who do entertain rarely have their hospitality reciprocated.

The notion that any gathering must be about an occasion (such as a birthday, graduation, marriage or birth), and one that involves presents for the hosts.

The redefinition of “friends” to describe strangers.

The elevation of the importance of the menu to the extent that attempting to provide a communal meal, even within a family, means catering to a bewildering variety of requirements and preferences.

Bless you for trying to fix this. It will not be easy. All of the above behaviors will be working against you.

But Miss Manners has a suggestion -- one that she has plucked out of the distant past. At its grandest, it was called keeping a salon; the more modest version was having “a day” when one would be “at home.” In both cases, the idea was the same: making it known that you have a regular time when your acquaintances may drop in without notice.

For example, Saturday or Sunday afternoon, so they might stop in after their chores or before going out for the evening. It would not be mealtime, so you could serve only soft drinks and cookies, or perhaps crudites and prosecco.

At first, you would invite a wide assortment of people from different aspects of your life. But then you could make it known that this was a weekly (or monthly) event, when they needn’t commit themselves, but would always find a welcome. Many will probably veer off, but those who find it interesting will soon be introducing others. And acquiring friends.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Smash the Patriarchy, But Keep the Privacy

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | April 16th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m a female graduate student in a male-dominated field. While I feel that women are respected, for the most part, at my school, there is a strong bias in hiring and a visible minority of openly sexist students.

A few months ago, I had a particularly painful period, and was faint and nauseated for most of the day. Because it was the first day of class, I went, though I could not concentrate through the pain. After 40 or so minutes, I felt that I was on the verge of vomiting, and left in a hurry. I returned to collect my things after class had ended, but was still feeling so shaky that I didn’t speak to the professor, who was busy with others. I sent an email later that day in which I briefly apologized for leaving class, pleading a migraine.

Later, commiserating with a small group of friends over text, I told the embarrassing story. For the next 24 hours, I was berated for propping up the patriarchy by not marching up to my professor and telling him I was bleeding and would see him next week.

I was also lambasted for my insensitivity to those disabled by migraines but not taken seriously because of all the people who fake headaches to get out of things. I have no “icky” feelings about my period and openly discuss it with male friends, but apparently my commitment to feminism is suspect if I don’t air my dirty underwear to the professional world, as well.

I think it’s entirely my own business, and that unlike my friends’ stories of telling high-school teachers about their periods, in graduate school, this is inappropriate to the point of painful awkwardness. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: Really? You discuss your periods with your male friends? And what do they contribute to the conversation?

What would you expect a professor, male or female, to reply to that graphic announcement? “Congratulations”? “Should I call an ambulance?”

Many people, like your bullying friends, now believe that shame is the only reason for desiring privacy, and that if everything were out in the open, it would all be approved. They discount your valid feeling that you should be able to choose the degree of intimacy that you want in different relationships.

But they are also missing an important political point, which Miss Manners would think obvious to anyone who reads comments on social media: namely, that it is a naive fantasy that total openness necessarily produces acceptance.

Are you and your bullying friends unaware of how that patriarchy has regarded menstruation? Why would you want to supply them with an alert to judge your emotional or rational state at any given time?

life

Miss Manners for April 16, 2018

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | April 16th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We dine at casual eateries periodically with certain friends. One of them habitually excuses herself by announcing, “I need to go potty.”

This has progressed from embarrassing to simply annoying. What is the proper thing to say, or is it too late to say anything? Should it simply be ignored?

GENTLE READER: “Do you need help?” (Miss Manners is assuming that your friend has just completed toilet training.)

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Who’s Invited, Victor or Victoria?

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | April 14th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do I address an invitation to any individual who has dual personas? As we frequently host rather large social events, I am always striving to set an example for proper protocol.

We have several friends who are gender-fluid. One in particular is very well-known in the local community, news media and political arena as both a male and a female, with different names for each persona.

I would like to know how to extend an invitation to someone in this situation without dictating which “version” of them I would like to appear at our event. I’m basically expecting the invitee to decide who to be and what to wear.

Should we send two separate invitations to the same address, each with the appropriate name? Or one invitation with both names (which looks like we are inviting a couple)? Or simply decide which persona we want to appear at our event, and address the invitation to only one?

I prefer to pass the buck, and offer the freedom of self-determination to the invitee, but am unsure how to do so.

GENTLE READER: Issue one invitation and address it using the conjunction “or” between the two names. That way your guest is free to decide which persona will be attending.

Miss Manners notes that the polite response for any guest is to confirm who among the invitees will actually be there (“Thank you for inviting both my husband and me, but unfortunately only I will be able to attend”). However, she assumes that in this case, you will be pleased -- and not surprised -- to greet either one.

life

Miss Manners for April 14, 2018

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | April 14th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife is totally disabled and requires 24-hour care. Fortunately, I have the means to provide her with a team of caregivers who look after her in our own home.

The employees are all young women, and I generally allow them to dress however they choose. One of them is particularly striking in appearance and very well-endowed. The concern is that she often wears clothing that is a little too revealing.

Although I’m old enough to be her grandfather, and totally loyal to my wife, some of her clothing choices still make me uncomfortable. How can I gently ask her to dress more modestly without embarrassing her or coming across as a dirty old man?

GENTLE READER: Of course, you are not supposed to notice her appearance or what she is wearing. But requiring proper dress is within the reasonable jurisdiction of the employer, especially, Miss Manners would assume, in health care.

If there is a third-party employer, like an agency or hospital that might be better equipped to address the situation, go there first. But if you are the direct employer, you may say, “I wonder if it might be better for the team to wear caregiver attire. That way, we won’t worry about your ruining your dressy clothes with our mess.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

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