DEAR MISS MANNERS: A dear relative has invited me to high tea at their home. I have been before. Great effort is put into the event with homemade scones, tea sandwiches, desserts and several kinds of teas. All served on lovely porcelain from around the world.

The issue is, I don’t care for the type of food served, even though it is authentic “high tea” fare. I am pretty much a vegan; I can’t stand the thought of eating butter, egg salad and several desserts.

Everyone else loves the event. How can I decline without hurting the host’s feelings? It is a very long drive from my town to theirs, to add to it. I would appreciate any thoughtful words that could help.

GENTLE READER: There are three points that Miss Manners would like to make, two of which actually pertain to your predicament.

First, one can always decline an invitation politely. Gratitude for the invitation and regret at not being able to accept are all that need be expressed. Excuses are not only unnecessary, but can be offensive if they are trivial, and dangerous if they are untrue. But in this case, distance does seem a legitimate consideration, so you could mention how sorry you are not to be able to make the trip.

Second, it is not necessary to eat the food served at a tea. It isn’t even easy to do so, as those of us know who consider cucumber sandwiches to be a culinary triumph. The teacup’s saucer isn’t big enough to use as a plate, and holding a teacup in one hand and a small plate in the other makes it perilous to try to transfer the delicacy to the mouth.

So Miss Manners assures you that you need only drink a lot of tea, and it will not be conspicuous if you skip the food.

She asks your indulgence for the third point. That is that the event you are describing is not “high tea”; it is “afternoon tea” or just “tea.” “High tea,” also known as “nursery tea,” is an informal supper taken in place of dinner. “Authentic high tea fare” is potted meat and other things you wouldn’t eat, either.

The misnomer, which is common in America, probably arises from commercial establishments wanting to make their offerings seem grander, and mistakenly believing that the “high” has something to do with high society.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper way to ask guests to chip in and help with washing dishes? When it happens over and over again that the same people are stuck doing dishes, how does one broach the subject? There is nothing worse than the same lazy people who just get to sit around and do nothing.

GENTLE READER: They probably don’t scrub your bathrooms, either, the bums. After all, you don’t pay them just to sit around consuming your food.

Oh, whoops. You don’t pay them. You claim that they are your guests. In that case, Miss Manners requires you to treat them as guests. You may accept any offer of help --some hosts prefer to decline them -- but you cannot expect or demand it.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am currently 25 weeks pregnant with my first child. My husband and I are absolutely thrilled, and have made a decision not to find out the gender of our baby.

Since I have started showing in the last few weeks, I have noticed how people think they have free rein to make comments on my body and appearance, simply because I am pregnant.

I know most of these comments are innocent and mean no harm. But I’ve heard everything from “You’re blossoming!” (not so bad) to “I’ve been looking at your backside to see if your bottom is wobbling.”

Most of these comments allude to these people trying to guess the gender of our baby. I even had two women look me up and down and then make their assessment out loud: “Your legs don’t look any bigger, so it must be a girl!”

The most confusing part is that almost every comment that I’ve received has come from a mother. Shouldn’t these women know better than to judge pregnant women’s bodies? Not only is it rude and something they probably wouldn’t say to someone who isn’t pregnant, but it really makes an impact when you’re already self-conscious about the way your changing body looks.

Is there a way to stave off these comments nicely? Most of these people are family or co-workers and I don’t want to cause problems with a snarky comeback.

GENTLE READER: Snark is all in the delivery. Miss Manners asks you to remove it from your voice when you give these people the satisfaction of what they really want from you: a request for advice.

“Really? Did you find that the size of your legs were a credible predictor of your baby’s gender?”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I prefer the window seat on a plane. On a recent flight, when a fairly large gentleman sat down next to me in the middle seat, I squashed myself as close to the window as I could in order to try and give him space. He spoke to me and, as I turned to face him with a smile, I was hit by a cloud of his extremely bad breath.

I responded to his question and quickly turned my face back towards the window to find clear air. I am afraid he must have seen me as terribly rude for not facing him as he was talking, and continuing to turn my head away, but his breath was so horrid I was indeed feeling nauseous due to the smell. I did not want to embarrass myself by losing my in-flight pretzels.

What to do in this situation? I was already squashed as close as I could be to the window to accommodate his size, so I had no room to maneuver. Other than offer him my tin of mints and implore him to take a handful, what can I do in this unfortunate situation in the future?

GENTLE READER: Bury your head in a book. But Miss Manners does not think the mints idea a bad one, if it is phrased politely. “This plane air is so stale that I find myself in need of a freshener. May I offer you one?”

Conversely, she suggests never refusing such an offer. One never knows.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have been very happily married for 11 years. It is a second marriage for both of us, and I had nothing to do with my husband’s divorce, which occurred after his children were out of college and which was completely the choice of his ex-wife. In fact, I didn’t meet my husband until four years after his divorce.

My stepson and his wife have made it clear to me, despite my best efforts to create a warm relationship with them, that they want nothing to do with me. I have no such problems with my husband’s other son, or with my husband’s parents or extended family. I am a warm person with many friends, and have always been baffled by this rebuff, but have learned to accept it and try my best to be friendly when we do see them. Happily, they live in a distant state, so such occasions are infrequent.

And yes, on one occasion (a few years ago), I did try to ask gently if I had done something wrong and if I could somehow make amends, but it only made matters worse with my daughter-in-law.

Their ongoing rudeness includes postings on Facebook about long visits to our home where I am never mentioned, never included in any pictures, and to the uninformed reader, totally nonexistent. This couple has never sent me a birthday card; on my last birthday, they sent a text to my husband several days afterward, saying, “Tell your wife happy birthday for us.”

I always remember their birthdays and Christmas with generous gifts. In other words, I have never stopped trying, if only for my husband’s sake and that of peace in the family.

The icing on the cake came today with a sympathy card mailed only to my husband, referencing only his grief, with regard to the death of a beloved pet that we have shared for the term of our marriage. They are aware that I loved this dog like a child.

I feel that I should respond to this somehow, but I can hear my mother’s voice saying, “Do not dignify their poor behavior with a response.” What would you suggest? I am at a total loss, and my husband does not get involved in any way in this matter, as he doesn’t wish to alienate his son and daughter-in-law.

GENTLE READER: While Miss Manners is inclined to agree with your mother, she will permit you one more attempt at addressing the issue head-on.

Letters often work better than conversations, as they give the recipient time to reflect before answering. It might say something like, “You were so kind to acknowledge my birthday last year, and our grief over Scruffy’s death. I would dearly love to hear from you directly, or least begin to rectify our distant relationship. Your family means the world to me and after all of these years, it seems a shame that we do not have the close relationship that we all enjoy with the rest of the family.” Approaching it without blame and only subtextual shaming is always an effective mix when it comes to family.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)