DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am 30 years old and married. Occasionally I encounter someone I haven’t seen or heard from in a long time -- since before I was engaged. A co-worker from a past job, a former high school or college classmate, an ex-girlfriend of my brother. These people have asked me why I did not invite them to my wedding.

I am puzzled, because they never responded to any of my previous attempts to stay in contact: holiday cards that I sent to their families, lunch or party invitations that I extended through mutual friends, phone calls and social media messages that they never returned.

I assumed that we had simply parted ways in life, and moved on. They apparently expected me to send a wedding invitation, yet they showed no interest in continuing our friendship. Why do they feel it was appropriate for them to be at the wedding?

GENTLE READER: Are you asking Miss Manners why people like to feel included? Even when they rarely make a social effort themselves? Human nature is a contradictory, if predictable, condition.

However, upon further scrutiny of your complaint, Miss Manners notices that only one of your methods of communication to your former friends was an actual invitation: Holiday cards do not require a reply; invitations through mutual friends are vague at best; and social media messages -- well, surely you are familiar with how those generally go.

Perhaps your friends thought that a formal answer to these casual invitations was not necessary. And had they actually received a written invitation, they might have risen to the occasion.

Probably not. But weddings seem to be one of the few social events that are taken at least mildly seriously -- and past relationships, no matter how distant they may currently be, expect to be acknowledged.

To be clear, Miss Manners does not condone your friends for chastising you. Rather, she bemoans the casual way invitations are treated in general -- and how much they have fallen victim to people’s natural affinity for laziness.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband says that any thank-you note is fine. I think that a thank-you note should specifically detail the gift given. When I was a kid, my mom made me tell the person “thank you” for what they had sent, not just a “generic” thank-you.

Please help me prove my husband wrong.

GENTLE READER: Always a pleasure.

If all that it took was a generic thank-you note, then you would merely have to sign your name on the inside of those horrid pre-printed ones. Which is exactly why Miss Manners disapproves of them: too much of a temptation to do exactly that and be done with it.

If recipients of presents cannot be bothered to write out the words “thank you” by hand, let alone specify for what they are thankful, they are hardly worthy of the effort that it took to procure the present in the first place. A likely consequence if the practice continues.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son borrows my car, and when I get into it afterwards, I can’t find my sunglasses, which I leave on the dashboard. I lost two pair in the same week.

He says it is my fault because I leave them on the dash and it gets on his nerves, so he doesn’t care where he puts them. I found one pair under the passenger-side front seat.

My husband sides with my son when I get on him. It’s my fault, they say, because I don’t put them where they belong when I get out of my car. HELP!!!!

GENTLE READER: As the recipient of a favor (the loan of your car), your son should expect to make reasonable accommodation to your preferences, returning it in the condition in which he received it. That includes restoring the seat position, occasionally refilling the gas -- and putting your sunglasses back where he found them. Miss Manners would have thought that the consequences of annoying his mother would be both self-evident and worth some minor irritation.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a new friend, though we are not close. Her mother’s house burned down, and the friend has decided to throw a party, asking for donations from friends and acquaintances to attend, and to donate items to be auctioned.

She is a stay-at-home mom, and has recently talked of going back to work to help with expenses, but has not done so. Her kids are older; she could do it. She has not taken her mother into their home to live. She and her husband still have their membership at the country club, where the auction will be held.

I freely give what I can to a few charities each year, but I am having a really hard time with this. I feel it is inappropriate to ask friends and acquaintances to support a family member that you have not done everything possible to help yourself first. She even sent invites to my friends that are not her friends.

My husband and I have a few family members who could use help right now. And years ago, my aunt’s house burned down, and she never asked anyone for anything.

Am I crazy? I could never imagine doing what she and her husband are doing. I’d have my mom sleeping on the floor in my house if there was little room, and I’d help her as much as possible before I would ask friends and acquaintances to give money and donate items.

GENTLE READER: Indeed, self-fundraising, or what we used to call begging, has become widespread. Of course you should not be shamed into complying when you believe that your charity can be better directed.

But you raise an issue that Miss Manners believes should discourage people who do this. Ordinarily it would be none of your business how your friend lives her life -- whether she works, retains her country club membership or takes in her mother. But she has made it your business. And when donating to a cause, you are only being responsible by looking into how the charity is managed.

However, while we are being nosy, allow Miss Manners to suggest that you meant that YOU would sleep on the floor while giving your mother your bed.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When, if ever, did someone decide it is appropriate to approach another person and ask for an item they own?

I know the dangers of smoking; everyone does. The gall of these people makes me want to give them one cigarette, just to shorten their life a little. Am I wrong resenting them, or can they just go on smoking without buying?

GENTLE READER: Asking for a cigarette and asking for your car are not morally equivalent -- unless the request is accompanied by the threat of force in case of noncompliance.

The difference is not only in the value of the requested item, but in the implication that it is incidental to a social interaction, such as huddling together in the cold, 15 feet from the building entrance. This means that “bumming a cigarette” as you run down the street would, indeed, be wrong.

But even allowable requests can be politely refused. What puzzles Miss Manners about your attitude is that you, too, must be a smoker, or you would not have a cigarette to bestow or withhold. Given the animosity that nonsmokers now routinely show to smokers, Miss Manners would have thought that some tolerance within the group would be a good investment.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son is about to become a bar mitzvah, so I sat with him to start the process of writing thank-you notes. He’s only received a few gifts so far, but I imagine he will get many, many more (we are anticipating just under 100 guests).

The one note that he managed to finish took a REALLY long time and had to be redone twice. His handwriting is not stellar, so he has to write very slowly to make it legible. How I wish, at times like this, that they still stressed penmanship in schools and didn’t rely so strongly on computers!

He said, “Wow, wish I could type these. Mom, why can’t I just type them?” Thus my question: How strong a breach of etiquette would it be for him to type the notes and then hand-sign them? I was always taught that a handwritten thank-you note is the ONLY way to go about these things, but in this case it will take forever!

Should I just lay down the mom-whammy and make him write them all, or is a typed note an acceptable option?

GENTLE READER: Gratitude should expand (or contract) with the guest list: Your son’s debt to thank each individual guest is independent of how many stamps you will need to purchase -- or how much time it will take him to pen the notes.

Handwritten letters of thanks are a way of reciprocating the effort that guests took. So, yes, Miss Manners would advise your son to get to work. It is a valuable lesson for a young adult. The letters will get easier and shorter with practice.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)