DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a woman in my late 20s, who has been in a relationship with another woman for going on five years now. My family is not especially supportive, but there are times that I do receive formal invitations to events from extended family (think weddings, bar/bat mitzvahs, etc.) that include my name and a plus-one.

My mother, who is vehemently unsupportive of my relationship, keeps trying to tell me that accepting a plus-one on an invitation is rude. She tells me that the people hosting the event are only giving me a plus-one to appear polite, and that if I bring someone else, it will cost the hosts money, so I shouldn’t accept it.

I’d like to think that my family members are showing passive support by offering me a plus-one, even if they are not listing my partner’s name on the invitation. In my opinion, an offering of a plus-one should always be seen as genuine!

My mother also insists that as maid of honor in my sister’s wedding, I was not supposed to bring a plus-one to the rehearsal dinner, despite other bridesmaids’ plus-ones being included. She is very concerned with politeness and appearances, so normally I do default to her, but given this dilemma, I am driven to ask you, Miss Manners, for your expertise and advice.

GENTLE READER: A misguided attempt to make their single guests feel more “comfortable,” plus-one communicates instead that the host does not want -- or cannot be bothered -- to find out the names of any serious partners.

Inviting anyone to a formal event should be done using that person’s name.

In your case, Miss Manners agrees that it was probably a passive -- if still rude -- attempt on your sister’s part to invite your partner without directly acknowledging her.

Your mother’s use of made-up etiquette rules is a passive way of rejecting that attempt. If your sister specifically asked you to invite someone, you may do so -- and passively ignore your mother’s advice to do otherwise.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When invited to a party or a social event at our good friends’ home, they always ask, “What will you be bringing?” Is it rude for them to ask or presume we are bringing anything? At one party, they put out a sign-up list and began to hound guests who didn’t respond to the sign-up.

They claim they need to know, due to allergies. Wouldn’t it be better if they just reminded guests not to bring certain food items to avoid the danger? This presumptuous behavior has alienated some of our group. They are quite put off by it.

GENTLE READER: This is not polite behavior. Nor a sincere invitation.

It is bad enough that guests have begun ubiquitously asking what they should bring to a party. The hosts should certainly not be soliciting it, nor badgering their donors.

If hosts are worried about their own allergies, then they should provide the food. Miss Manners is constantly baffled at how people do not find this task implicit in the job title.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am planning a celebration of my late husband’s life, and being good to myself by having it catered. Nothing fancy, but I am worrying about how much food and drink to order.

In light of the current habit of disregarding a request for a response, could I include on the invitation something like, “If you attend without an RSVP, kindly do not eat or drink anything”? I am sorely tempted.

GENTLE READER: People are sorely tempted to do many things, but civilization is hinged on thwarting those baser desires.

Meanwhile, Miss Manners is left wondering how you would even go about policing those guests who show up unannounced. A rap on the hand as they reach for a shrimp? An elaborate pantomime of handing them a pretend glass and not filling it?

Unfortunately, the only proper thing to do with these brazen guests is to express surprise at their appearance. Courting insult in the form of threats is a rude and fruitless activity.

However, if you find yourself running low on refreshments and those same guests have the gall to complain, you may say, “Oh dear, I’m afraid that I only planned for those who told me they were attending.” And plan not to invite them next time.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When is it necessary to give a card, and to wrap a gift?

For the former, I’ve always felt that it’s appropriate when sending greetings through the mail, but not face-to-face. I’ve consistently told family to please not give me cards in person, yet they continue to do so anyway.

I find them a waste of paper (and money, as some of the fancy ones are very expensive) when you’re just going to say “Happy birthday” or “Merry Christmas” directly to them anyway on the day in question. The sole exception is when they are being used as a gift wrapper themselves, such as with cash or a gift certificate.

As for the latter, I consider it suitable when the element of surprise and anticipation is important -- such as during a party, at a shower or opening Christmas presents -- but again, I think it wasteful to wrap gifts when shipping them to the receiver’s address or when the gift is spontaneous.

Lastly, on the issue of gift-wrapping, does an authority on etiquette have an opinion on gift bags vs. boxed and wrapped gifts? It had never occurred to me until people started bragging about how easy it was to “shove it in a bag” instead of wrapping it.

GENTLE READER: The purpose of a present is, Miss Manners wishes to remind you, to show gratitude or appreciation. Efforts to make the act of giving as efficient -- in other words, effortless -- as possible therefore invalidate the reason for giving the present in the first place.

By contrast, wrapping and accompanying notes emphasize those reasons. Were efficiency the only standard, one could merely slow down the car and toss the present onto the porch.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How long do you stay at an office party at your boss’s house when you really just want to “make an appearance”?

I’m just not sure if there is a protocol as to how long “an appearance” is.

GENTLE READER: The minimum length of a decent appearance must pass the highly subjective test of not leaving the hosts feeling that the two necessary exchanges -- the hosts’ greeting at the door, and the guests’ seeking them out to thank them -- have merged.

It is unfortunately difficult to reduce this to a fixed number of minutes, although it is presumably shorter at a large party. This often means that staying longer than you feel is absolutely necessary is the only guide. Miss Manners prohibits cheating -- such as taking leave of the husband, knowing that it was the wife who welcomed you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son happens to have special needs. I am a single parent, and I try to expose him to as much in life as possible, as I think it will help in his development (he is now 17 years old).

I’m still hurting over something that happened two years ago. My nephew -- my son’s first cousin -- was getting married. While all the other cousins of all ages, including toddlers, were invited to the wedding, my son was not.

Further, my sister-in-law, my nephew’s mother, invited me to an all-family gathering the day after the wedding, but said, “I don’t know what you will do with ____ (my son).”

I know a lot of time has passed, and there have been other reasons for my brother and me to have issues. But I am having a real problem letting this go “for the sake of the family,” especially now that our mother and father have passed and we are all we have for each other.

Am I wrong in being hurt? How can I let this go, or should I even let this go? I have tried to talk to my brother about this, but he will not have a conversation.

GENTLE READER: Families have been torn apart by actions far less egregious than refusing to treat someone as a family member because he has special needs. It is no surprise that their actions still rankle, particularly if you did not take exception to them at the time.

But for the same reason, your brother and his family do not understand how reprehensible their actions were. Miss Manners does not see a need for conversation with your brother so much as clarification, which is more easily delivered in written form. There is little to be done about the wedding at this date, but it is worth saying to your brother that if his family cannot treat your son as an equal member going forward, they cannot reasonably expect to have any relationship with his mother.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)