DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a gentleman who is required to wear a necktie at my job. I love my job, but hate wearing a tie.

Most of my morning commute is spent riding the subway in the metropolis where I live. I leave my house with my tie around my neck and under my collar, but not tied. I know the correct point on the subway to begin tying it, so it is in place when I reach my stop.

My wife opines that this constitutes going out in public “not fully dressed.” I believe that because I am wearing a shirt, pants, and shoes that are appropriate for my job, and that each is correctly buttoned, fastened and/or closed before I leave the house, then I meet the standard of being fully dressed. Perhaps not fully accessorized, but certainly fully dressed.

Is this a matter of manners, or of fashion? As long as I don’t inconvenience (e.g. elbow) anyone else in the process, is it rude to wait until I am riding the subway to knot my tie?

GENTLE READER: When was the last time your wife rode the subway? You might take her for an outing, just to show her the modern definition of not being fully dressed.

If that doesn’t persuade her to approve your current practice, Miss Manners advises you to leave the house while she is otherwise occupied.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the rule for giving out thank-you cards for Christmas gifts you have received? I have a co-worker who complained in general yesterday that she hasn’t gotten any thank-you cards for the gifts she’s given out.

My thinking is that if Jane Doe and John Doe both give each other Christmas gifts, that’s an even exchange and therefore no formal thank-you is needed. It’s like there is balance and understanding within that relationship. But if Jane gives John a gift and doesn’t get one back from John, a formal thank-you would be in order from John to acknowledge that he appreciates the care and time that Jane has taken on his behalf. What is the rule on this, or is there a rule?

GENTLE READER: Yes, there is a rule, and Miss Manners knows that you know it, or you wouldn’t go to such lengths to try to subvert it.

Gratitude and reciprocation are related, but one does not cancel out the other. Your expression of thanks is not a gift that relieves you of the necessity to reciprocate, and the receipt of a present does not excuse you from expressing gratitude.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received an invitation to an event that I am unable to attend. I sent my RSVP as requested, and then I received, by return mail, not only an acknowledgement of my response but a clearly cutting comment on my inability to attend.

I have never before received a response to an RSVP, except verbally (along the lines of “I was sorry to see you can’t join us”). I’m wondering if, all these years, I should have been sending something formal in response to the response, though presumably not something quite as cutting as I received.

GENTLE READER: What did your host respond? “Good, we didn’t really want to see you anyway”?

The rules have not changed to allow insulting -- or even interrogating, which is more common -- those who decline invitations. “We’ll miss you” is allowed but not required.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter was accepted into a small, prestigious performing arts program in New York City, instead of a traditional college. From the time she was a small child, she has never wanted to do anything else with her life other than pursue her art.

She received wide recognition locally and at her high school, and all of her teachers and mentors have told us that she has the passion and the talent to be successful. We proudly provide the financial support she needs to take this next step, and we are all well aware of how difficult it is to “make it” in the performing arts.

How do we deal with people who seem to view all of this as amusing folly? People constantly ask her what she will do “to support herself” if she can’t find work in her field. They advise us to “make” her switch to a “real” school. When they ask about an alternative career path, we say there is no Plan B. And then they say things like we’ll be supporting her forever, be ready for her to boomerang back home, etc.

The arts elevate us in good times and soothe our souls in bad times. Everyone wants to live in a place with good culture. So why aren’t people more supportive of the artists who are striving to bring beauty into the world? Not everyone can be an accountant or a software engineer!

GENTLE READER: Indeed. And that would be a charming and deflective response to nosy dissenters. But while Miss Manners commends your passion, she urges you to focus your energies on your daughter’s contribution to the arts, rather than efforts to convince the world of its significance. With any luck, your daughter will eventually be able to do that by example.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A young woman I know is six months pregnant and wants to announce it to the family when attending her uncle’s wedding. This will be the first great-grandchild, and is a big deal in this family of five siblings. Do you think the pregnant niece should tell the bride?

GENTLE READER: At six months, she likely will not have to. As the family is already gathered, it seems a good time to give out family news.

Miss Manners suspects that your real question is whether it will upstage the bride. But if everyone cannot figure out which of the two women is the bride, there is clearly a greater problem.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My neighbor at work files her nails fairly often. It is a truly intolerable noise to me, and I have asked her to refrain. She obliges, but then forgets and starts again.

Is there anything I can do besides repeatedly asking her to stop? I am sometimes reduced to running to the supply closet to look for paper clips I don’t need in order to avoid hounding her on the issue. Does that sound really not bother anyone else?

GENTLE READER: Very likely it does. But for maximum result, Miss Manners suggests that you act as though it is your problem, not your colleague’s: “I am so sorry, but I have extremely sensitive ears. I wonder if you might be able to do that in another room.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: For a “scarf party” for someone who has breast cancer and is undergoing chemo, the invitation read as essentially a bridal or baby shower: Come and bring scarves, hats, frozen meals, etc. to make life easier for her.

While this is unconventional, I was thrilled to shower the recipient with love as she faces serious medical problems.

When the party turned to opening her gifts, the hostess sat down with a pad of paper to take notes on who gave what (presumably for the recipient to write thank-you notes). I told the hostess, “Oh, don’t make her write thank-you notes!” To which she replied, “All right, I’ll write them.”

Ordinarily I wouldn’t think this is an acceptable alternative, but because of the special nature of the occasion, it doesn’t seem right to say, “Hey, let’s throw a party to make you feel loved and try to make your life a little easier!” but then, “I know you are going through a lot, and have limited energy, but you’d better write out all these notes!” Of course, if the recipient wants to write them out during her treatments, that’s another matter.

It was a lovely occasion and many tears were shed. I feel like it really gave her a boost halfway through chemo. Unfortunately, another friend has been diagnosed with breast cancer and will start chemo very soon. I would like to throw a similar party for this friend, but wasn’t sure how to thank everyone.

GENTLE READER: While well-intentioned, you put your hostess in the impossible position of pointing out that she is burdening the gift recipient with writing thank-you letters, and then condemning her for the suggestion that she do it herself.

If you can delicately suggest to your guest of honor that you are happy to help or have her dictate them to you, that might be a good compromise. But Miss Manners entreats you to do so in a way that does not either deprive her of expressing her gratitude (which she might find a pleasant distraction) or nag her. That would most certainly add to her burden.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received an invitation to my niece’s wedding and look forward to attending. The reply card for the reception dinner (for over 300 people) offers a preference: Check one, either “filet” or “salmon.”

For the past year, I have been a vegetarian. I don’t expect my family to remember that, nor do I wish to add another task to the arrangements. How would you suggest I reply?

GENTLE READER: With a new card. The proper response to a wedding invitation is a handwritten reply, not a checked-off menu list, even if it was solicited and provided.

Miss Manners suggests you ignore the menu question and send your response to the more important one -- “are you attending?” -- without the reply card. (Oh, all right -- if you must, you may stuff your own stationery into the pre-addressed and stamped envelope.) If questioned later or at the wedding itself, you may say that while you are a vegetarian, you are sure that there will be plenty for you to eat.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)