DEAR MISS MANNERS: For a “scarf party” for someone who has breast cancer and is undergoing chemo, the invitation read as essentially a bridal or baby shower: Come and bring scarves, hats, frozen meals, etc. to make life easier for her.

While this is unconventional, I was thrilled to shower the recipient with love as she faces serious medical problems.

When the party turned to opening her gifts, the hostess sat down with a pad of paper to take notes on who gave what (presumably for the recipient to write thank-you notes). I told the hostess, “Oh, don’t make her write thank-you notes!” To which she replied, “All right, I’ll write them.”

Ordinarily I wouldn’t think this is an acceptable alternative, but because of the special nature of the occasion, it doesn’t seem right to say, “Hey, let’s throw a party to make you feel loved and try to make your life a little easier!” but then, “I know you are going through a lot, and have limited energy, but you’d better write out all these notes!” Of course, if the recipient wants to write them out during her treatments, that’s another matter.

It was a lovely occasion and many tears were shed. I feel like it really gave her a boost halfway through chemo. Unfortunately, another friend has been diagnosed with breast cancer and will start chemo very soon. I would like to throw a similar party for this friend, but wasn’t sure how to thank everyone.

GENTLE READER: While well-intentioned, you put your hostess in the impossible position of pointing out that she is burdening the gift recipient with writing thank-you letters, and then condemning her for the suggestion that she do it herself.

If you can delicately suggest to your guest of honor that you are happy to help or have her dictate them to you, that might be a good compromise. But Miss Manners entreats you to do so in a way that does not either deprive her of expressing her gratitude (which she might find a pleasant distraction) or nag her. That would most certainly add to her burden.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received an invitation to my niece’s wedding and look forward to attending. The reply card for the reception dinner (for over 300 people) offers a preference: Check one, either “filet” or “salmon.”

For the past year, I have been a vegetarian. I don’t expect my family to remember that, nor do I wish to add another task to the arrangements. How would you suggest I reply?

GENTLE READER: With a new card. The proper response to a wedding invitation is a handwritten reply, not a checked-off menu list, even if it was solicited and provided.

Miss Manners suggests you ignore the menu question and send your response to the more important one -- “are you attending?” -- without the reply card. (Oh, all right -- if you must, you may stuff your own stationery into the pre-addressed and stamped envelope.) If questioned later or at the wedding itself, you may say that while you are a vegetarian, you are sure that there will be plenty for you to eat.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In a family social media group, what is the proper response if two of your adult grandchildren call you by your first name, intentionally and without permission? It had been “Grandma” before; we’re estranged but I’m included in the family social media page.

GENTLE READER: The electronic age has given rise to many inexplicable gray areas, to which Miss Manners will now add “estranged but included in the family social media page.”

Relatives usually become estranged when misbehavior reaches a level where one or both sides can no longer tolerate social interaction. If excessive familiarity was central to the original estrangement, then the social media page may serve as an invitation to resume hostilities. If not -- or if there is the possibility of redemption -- then a polite request to resume your former designation may be enough.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband became the owner of the small business he has worked at for more than 30 years. Our daughter is getting married this spring, and we are wondering if it would be appropriate to invite his employees to the wedding.

Several years ago, when my husband was not the owner of the business and our son was getting married, we only invited one of his fellow employees, who has known our children since they were infants. This employee still works for my husband, and now her daughter does, as well.

We naturally feel inclined to invite them both, and the other employees as well. However, my husband does not want any of them to feel obligated to attend now that he’s the boss. (If he were not “the boss,” he’d probably not hesitate to invite everyone.)

I say they are free to decline if they do not wish to attend, and there will be no hard feelings. I am concerned that if we invite two of his employees and not the others, there will definitely be hard feelings.

My husband feels he should verbally let them know they are not obligated, but I feel that this will send the message of, “We feel obligated to invite you but we would rather you decline.” I feel we should just invite, express regret if they decline and joy if they attend, and get back to business when it’s all over. Am I being realistic? Or are we just overthinking things?

GENTLE READER: Would-be guests are usually free to decline invitations, but suggestions from the host that they do so are bound to be misconstrued.

Miss Manners nevertheless understands and agrees with your husband’s concern. Invitations from a person in a position of authority are more difficult to decline -- hence the term “command performance.” He is right to worry that an employee would feel compelled to accept.

The solution is not to qualify the invitation, but not to issue it. If the mother and daughter are friends, and not just employees, invite them on that basis. An employee who feels left out has a less legitimate gripe than one who thinks he had to give up his time off to preserve his job.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am in charge of our duplicate bridge group: making annual schedules, scoring the score sheets, planning the annual luncheon, distributing prizes, etc. At the luncheon for the two years I have been in charge, the ladies have given me a gift.

The first year, it was a thank-you card with a gift card to a restaurant enclosed. The second year, it was a thank-you card with cash enclosed.

These gifts make me feel more like an employee than a peer. In part, this is because I play bridge with many of these ladies at a country club once a week, and at Christmas, they give a Christmas card with cash enclosed to the lady who waits on us.

Am I wrong to feel that way? I am happy to do the tasks and do not think a gift is warranted.

GENTLE READER: The challenge is in how to convey your feelings without offense to people who likely meant to express gratitude, not servitude.

Miss Manners recommends explaining to the group that while you appreciate the sentiment, you do it for the love of the game and do not expect anything in return. The criticism will be both heightened and softened when you then break out the bridge supplies you have purchased for the group with the cash.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I throw a lot of dinner parties. When guests walk in, I always offer them a beverage, and make sure that a bottle of wine is always open throughout the night.

I never pour anyone a second drink. Some people are driving, some people are breastfeeding, some people might only want one glass of wine. I personally do not like to be asked repeatedly if I want more wine or have someone top off my glass if I do not want any more.

I thought this was fine, but the other night, a friend made a comment about it.

GENTLE READER: One should not refill a glass without permission, but serving is part of the function of a host.

Miss Manners has good news, however: A private party is not a restaurant. The pace of refill offers need not exactly keep pace with the level of each glass, and can taper off as the evening progresses. The person who is breastfeeding for the first offer (though not, perhaps, just at the moment) can be assumed to be doing so for the rest of the evening, as can the guest who declines for other reasons, medical or not.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The bride is insisting on men’s wearing tuxes to a daytime wedding, even those not in the wedding party.

Being a good guest is the most important thing to us. Does this mean we guests should follow her wishes? If some of us cannot afford the rental, should we simply decline the invitation, or could we properly wear a suit?

GENTLE READER: Although Miss Manners does not give anyone license to misbehave, in the hierarchy of hospitality, being a good host is an even sterner duty than being a good guest.

The hostess -- and by extension, the bride, even if she is not technically the hostess -- is expected to concern herself about the feelings of the guests, accepting in return their presence, good wishes and good behavior. A dark suit is acceptable at black-tie events, and also at functions where black-tie would be inappropriate -- such as daytime weddings.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)