DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband has a movement disorder and neurological condition that is only going to get much, much worse. It is clear from things he says (there are “filter” issues) and from his balance issues that he is ill.

Strangers and neighbors bluntly ask what is wrong. I simply say my husband is private about his health, but is there something better I could say? Even firmer? I am getting annoyed, but have been worried about hurting people’s feelings.

When he is rude to strangers in public, it baffles them, hurts their feelings, and humiliates and worries me. My response is to take him out of the public place and get him settled in the car, and then go back and thank the person for their kindness to someone who is clearly ill. Is there a better way?

When we are invited out socially, unless it is by someone who knows us well, I always feel I have to refuse. Is there a polite way to accept an invitation for myself but make it clear he won’t be able to come? I simply cannot enjoy these things if I know he is going to say something horrible to people who are hosting us. As it stands, I simply thank people and refuse. And I would want to reciprocate, but again ... his behavior in our home is unpredictable, so my social life is pretty much shutting down.

GENTLE READER: It is surely small consolation, but the more common filter issue these days is people who are fully capable of controlling their impulses, but choose not to.

Miss Manners does not suggest that you pretend that your husband is one of those people. Rather, it might be a relief for others to hear that, in this case, there is a medical reason for the disorder. She hopes that healthy people do not glom onto similar excuses for their own rudeness.

If versions of “I am afraid that he is not well” (also a perfectly good reason for him to stay home when you are invited out) do not satisfy nosy inquiries, however, you may provide some levity by saying, “It is an unfortunate condition, but at least he is not running for office.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I had a sudden allergy attack while waiting for a friend in the lobby of a nice restaurant. A very kind older gentleman saw my situation and offered me his handkerchief. I was very grateful and thanked him through tears and runny nose. Before I gained my composure, he was gone.

I just stuffed the used handkerchief in my purse, but what would be the proper thing to do if this were a person I would be in further contact with? Such as at a dinner party, or on some form of public transportation? Surely I wouldn’t give it back?

GENTLE READER: Yes, but only after assuring the owner that it is being returned in better condition than after it was borrowed.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my husband and I eat out, I’ve noticed that at many establishments, both casual and formal, a server greets us with “How are we this evening?” This question is later followed by “How would we like our steak prepared?” and “Would we like some dessert?”

While no doubt servers are likely attempting to create a friendly rapport, I find the use of this pronoun not only grammatically incorrect but also overly familiar. Thus far, I’ve not commented, but it is becoming quite aggravating.

I’m tempted to respond with, “I would like my steak cooked medium-well, but I cannot speak for you.” Am I being overly sensitive? Am I the only one who is bothered by this trend? What is an appropriate response?

GENTLE READER: Such use of the plural is indeed clumsy, overly familiar and ungrammatical. Miss Manners can find no defense for it, even if it lacks the anger and passion with which the pronoun wars over gender are being fought.

But it is also clumsy and overly familiar to attempt to teach proper speaking to people who are only going about their business. Otherwise, one might be tempted to point out that you mean “irritating” and not “aggravating.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mom’s family likes to invite exes to family events and then act innocent, saying they don’t understand why their relatives get upset. This has been going on for 20-plus years.

I have made the decision that I don’t socialize with my mom’s family at all, because I never know who will be in attendance. My ex-husband is invited for Christmas. My dad, who I haven’t seen in about 10 years, was invited to my mom’s family reunion despite the fact that they have been divorced for 40 years (and by the way, he never went to her reunions when they were married). He even brought his wife.

I understand when there is a wedding or funeral, but for holiday events, it seems crazy. I have decided not to associate with any of my mom’s family, and do not regret my decision. I just want them to stop involving my adult kids into trying to guilt me into attending family events.

My daughter is pregnant, and that side of the family is going to have a baby shower for her that I don’t want to attend. She will also have a baby shower thrown by her sister, which I don’t want that part of my family to attend.

Please tell me what to say or do to make this stop. If these people weren’t related, I would never spend any time with them because I feel that they are bad influences on myself and my kids.

GENTLE READER: Without defending your relatives’ behavior, you must continue to minimize their opportunities to amuse themselves at your expense. If you find yourself at events with already-blacklisted relatives, Miss Manners agrees that expanding the list to include inconsiderate hosts may be all that remains. Comments sent through your children can be ignored.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I run into someone I have not seen recently, we usually have a little chat that invariably ends with my saying “Nice to see you” and the person saying I should call him/her. This happens with acquaintances, people with whom I have lost contact, even sometimes a person I purposely have not contacted.

I am always at a loss as to how to answer this invitation. Usually I just nod and say I will call, knowing full well that I will not.

Do these people really mean that I should call them? Is there a polite way to respond without lying (I do not like to lie)? If a person actually wants to renew an acquaintance, shouldn’t he/she call me rather than exhorting me to make the call? (I am afraid I am often tempted to say so.) Is there a part of modern communication that I am missing?

GENTLE READER: To answer your questions, in order: No. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Miss Manners realizes it is possible she is overconfident by saying “no,” these people do not want you to call. They may simply be indifferent, and therefore unwilling to expend the minimal energy required to call themselves.

The advantage of short answers is, strangely, their ambiguity: By saying “yes” to a suggestion that you should call, you may be lying, or you may simply be agreeing that, in an ideal world, yes, you should call. What you are missing about modern communication is that while technology has made it easier, human nature has not always made it more desirable. There may be a reason you lost touch.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son will marry soon after the one-year anniversary of his beloved dad’s death. Instead of the usual guest “favors,” I would like to have small printed cards on the table that say: “In lieu of guest favors, we have made a donation to (CHARITY NAME), (FATHER’S NAME)’s favorite charity.“

I don’t want to dampen our son’s happy day, but I hate to think of celebrating without some thoughtful remembrance of his devoted father.

GENTLE READER: As an opponent of guest favors, other than for single-digit birthday parties, Miss Manners would not mourn their absence. But the “bait and switch” nature of what you propose troubles her: “No swag for you” strikes her as a less gentle way to remind guests of a deceased father than mentioning (FATHER’S NAME) in a toast.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If the restaurant hostess is leading my wife and me to a table, who should follow behind the hostess, and who should bring up the rear? Not an earthshaking question, just curious what the “rules” say.

GENTLE READER: This being an entrance, at least metaphorically, the rules for passing through a door apply. Ladies first, gentlemen second. Miss Manners notes that the rules allow an exception for particularly crowded restaurants where a lady may require a blocker to clear the way.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)