DEAR MISS MANNERS: If you are invited to a large Thanksgiving dinner and you offer to bring desserts and the offer is accepted, should you still bring a hostess gift?

GENTLE READER: The overdone practice of guest participation -- bringing part of the meal and presents -- arouses Miss Manners’ suspicion that it is intended to replace the obligation of reciprocation.

She acknowledges, however, that the cooperative meal is a legitimate Thanksgiving custom. But in that case, you become one of the hosts and need not bring yourself a present.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We received an invitation to visit our neighbors and have dinner with them. We received it by voicemail. I returned the call to let them know we would be there. I did not actually reach them, but left a response on their voicemail telling them we would love to accept their invitation and would see them later.

When we arrived, we were welcomed and introduced to their other guests. The husband was surprised to see us, which confused me, but we stayed and had a wonderful visit. When it came time to have dinner, the husband asked if we were staying. I looked to his wife and she indicated we should stay, which we did.

Later on, the husband told us his wife had forgotten that she had invited us, and that she hadn’t checked her voicemail and so had not received my response saying we would be there.

Were we wrong to attend without actually talking to the wife? Afterwards, my husband and I were talking and thought maybe we should have said our goodbyes before dinner. I am still feeling uncomfortable about the way it played out.

GENTLE READER: Your discomfort is understandable, but entirely a product of your hosts’ rudeness, not your own. Forgetting one issued an invitation and neglecting to check voicemail are merely incompetent. Making a guest feel unwelcome is inexcusable. Many readers have complained to Miss Manners about uninvited guests. But if your hostess’s husband (incorrectly) thought that described you, he should have made sure of his facts before twice broadcasting his feelings. Being polite is always the safer course, particularly for those with bad memories. Should you choose to accept any future invitations from these people, putting it in writing makes good sense.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Many people sent beautiful flowers to the services of my nephew’s wife. I’m fairly certain my nephew has not written a thank-you note to anyone in at least the 25 years his wife was able to do so.

I am his closest living relative. Would it be appropriate for me to write them on his behalf? Would I start with a “Mark wants you to know he ...” sort of thing? I’d like to make sure it’s acceptable before offering this bit of help to him.

GENTLE READER: Yes, but then after a sufficient and respectful waiting period, Miss Manners advises you to encourage and tutor this nephew to start writing them on his own. Eventually he will want to return to socializing, and this skill will only help ensure that he is successful.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I live with our 18-month-old son on the third floor of a 20-unit apartment complex in a major city. On weekdays, we both work, leaving our son with a responsible adult who takes him on outings.

When we get home and begin to prepare our family dinner, our son sometimes screams out of excitement or frustration. Of course we try and do everything we can to prevent this, including taking him outside for a walk or additional playtime.

But now our immediate downstairs neighbor (a single, older woman without children) has started shouting from her unit for us to quiet our son, sometimes using a harsh tone and words. I have calmly explained (from our balcony) that we are doing all we can to keep our son quiet but that it is not possible at all times, that we understand that the noise upsets her and that it upsets us, as well.

Her response is to continue to shout from her balcony. She even suggested that if we spent more time with our son, perhaps he would be more quiet.

While I am sympathetic to our neighbor (no one wants to listen to prolonged shouting), I feel this comment crossed the line and was offensive to both myself and my wife, as we would both prefer to be at home with our son as opposed to at work.

The neighbor’s shouting and comments have caused our family stress, but I do not see any point in further dialogue between balconies. Accordingly, we have decided to simply ignore our neighbor and carry on as best we can. I am not sure what further action we should take. Does Miss Manners have any advice for us as to how to politely address this issue?

GENTLE READER: Your neighbor’s comment was impolite, but perhaps she is tired. And perhaps, like Miss Manners, she noticed that instead of apologizing for the noise, you chose to explain to her that babies sometimes cry and that your inconvenience is equal to her own.

You should apologize and -- for the sake of the other 18 tenants -- do so in writing. This will also give you the opportunity to say that while you are doing your best to calm your son, your neighbor’s shouting from the balcony exacerbates, rather than improves, the situation.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How long after the death of a relative does one offer condolences? When I mention in conversation to an acquaintance that my mother died 28 years ago, he or she almost always says, “Oh, I’m sorry.” It seems odd to me.

GENTLE READER: Deaths that occurred a very long time ago and, so far as you know, in the natural course, do not require acknowledgment beyond a sympathetic mien. That would include a parent, but not, by contrast, a child -- the often incorrect, but polite, assumption being that generations neatly pass away in order.

The acknowledgment itself can be large or small, tailored to the bearing of the person revealing the information. But Miss Manners notes that there is never any harm in expressing sympathy for a loss when you first learn of it.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Every year I invite a longtime friend for Thanksgiving, because she is not close with her family. The one thing that annoys me is that she always demands leftovers.

I prefer to give the leftovers to my family, but I always save her some turkey -- even if it means we don’t get any turkey sandwiches the next day, which upsets my husband. I don’t want to upset my friend. What should I do? He thinks I could just say no!

GENTLE READER: He’s right. If you had wanted to feed her leftovers, you could have invited her to lunch on the 24th.

Still, you can stick your husband with some responsibility. Miss Manners suggests your saying, “I’m so sorry, but I’m afraid that there won’t be any leftovers after Charlie has his favorite sandwiches.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the correct way to eat French onion soup? Sometimes I feel as if I need a pair of scissors on hand to trim all the long strands of cheese!

GENTLE READER: Back in the days when silver manufacturers’ idea of fun was to invent new utensils and insinuate that it was gauche not to buy and use them, silver melted-cheese snippers would have been a good idea.

Too late, Miss Manners is afraid. The age of specialized flatware is past. The best you can do is to wind the cheese strings around your spoon while you are still holding it over the bowl.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband hosts Thanksgiving dinner for around 20 family members each year. I like to use place cards at the table, because while most diners are family, others will join us, too.

Two years ago, our son brought a new girlfriend -- both in their 30s. Neither are wallflowers, and they were both staying with us for several days. I arranged to have them sit beside others at the meal.

Last year at Thanksgiving, she told me that the previous year, they’d both been upset they couldn’t sit together, and I was surprised at this revelation. I don’t want seating arrangements to upset people, but have always split couples up.

How should I approach it this time? Ask if they mind the arrangements?

GENTLE READER: The rule about separating couples at the dinner table has practical reasons. Not only is it to get the guests to mix, but it avoids the tedium of listening to spouses correcting one another’s stories.

Miss Manners has no patience with couples who claim that they are too much in love to be separated for an hour or two. The only excuse she accepts is the absolute necessity to assist a partner with the meal.

But the rule refers to long-established couples -- the definition of which, perhaps, could be that they know each other’s stories. Traditionally, engaged couples were allowed to sit together, although nowadays they may qualify as thoroughly established.

So as a new addition, one in the delicate position of meeting the whole family at once, the young lady could have been seated next to your son without violating the rule. Two years later, you might gently tell her that others in the family would enjoy getting to know her better.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)