DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have worked in the hotel industry as a room attendant for many years, and know the ins and outs of making beds. When my husband and I took a vacation to see friends of ours in another state, they kindly let us stay in their home during our visit. To our surprise, the bed we slept in only had the bottom sheet, and a comforter for our top layer.

Since it was rather warm, the comforter was out of the question to use. We politely asked if we could have a flat sheet for our bed. Our hosts looked shocked we even asked such a question, and flat-out said they didn’t have any flat sheets: “We only use bottom/fitted sheets for all beds in our home.”

We quickly apologized and let it go. The next morning, my husband and I went to the nearest store and bought a flat sheet to use and brought it back home with us.

Is this the latest trend, to not use top sheets anymore? Should we be packing sheets with us whenever we stay at other people’s homes?

What bothered us the most was wondering, when was that comforter last washed?

I guess what we are trying to say, for hostesses out there, is that if people are going to stay in their homes, please provide a complete sheet set that the guests can use or peel away.

Or are we out of line here?

GENTLE READER: When you say “we,” you might include Miss Manners, who believes that a properly made bed has two sheets, an actual blanket, a blanket cover, a bedspread and a reasonable number of pillows so that none has to be pitched overboard to make room for the sleeper.

However, she is aware that she may not encounter this arrangement when she leaves her own well-ordered household. Indeed, there are many who, in using comforters, immediately did away with bedspreads, and are now doing the same with top sheets.

Whether your hosts wash the duvet cover as often as they do the sheets, she cannot say. But it is rude to let on that you suspect your hosts of slovenliness. So Miss Manners hopes that you did not mention that you had to provide your own bedding.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I extended a single invite, one month in advance, for Thanksgiving and provided an RSVP date of Nov. 20. On Nov. 10, they thanked me, talked about their pending options and said they had not yet decided.

I have now been invited to another home and want to handle this correctly. Do I wait to hear back by the 19th, or is the expectation midnight on the 20th?

With social media tools, is email OK to wish my invited guest well on Thanksgiving and mention our new plans? Or, should I call -- and if so, what if I have to leave a message? I would like to join an extended family that is equally important to our lives.

GENTLE READER: You should have checked with Miss Manners before issuing a generous deadline. Without one, you could reasonably have expected an answer within a few days, and asked for a definitive one now. The best you can do is to plead that you find that you need to know -- without mentioning that you could do better.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Perhaps I am just too much of a feminist, but I really hate it when men hold the door for me or let me get on/off the elevator first.

Long ago, I realized it was a losing battle to try to stop this demeaning practice. But it has become even more annoying since, a year ago, I hurt my knee and have difficulty with stairs. There is a short flight of stairs and about 20 feet of space leading to the front door of my office building. I have to go slowly up these stairs. It’s not a problem, as long as I go slow and hold on to the railing.

But many times, if a man is at the door, he will stand there holding it open for me as I hobble up the stairs. There is nothing wrong with my arms, and I am totally capable of opening a door on my own, even though I am just a woman. I cannot hurry up for these well-meaning but patronizing men, and they end up standing there for quite some time since I cannot walk up stairs as fast as a normal person.

How can I politely wave them off? I have tried “Please go ahead,” only to have them stand there like their life depends on holding the door for the “weaker sex.” I am tempted to just stop and stand until they finally go through the door!

GENTLE READER: Please stop trying to pass off your unbecoming hostility as feminism. That attitude is responsible for seated passengers pretending not to notice expectant mothers swaying on their feet out of fear that common courtesy will be met with insult.

You disdain the Ladies First system of precedence, which is now something of an anachronism, properly practiced only in the general social realm. You also disdain its replacement, favoring those in apparent need. Both have been offered to you, and you need only say “No, thank you, I’m fine” to acknowledge the courtesy but reject the advantage.

Do you have another system to suggest? In the absence of one, it becomes Me First and Might Makes Right. Before Ladies First, ladies were shoved aside, and even during its heyday, so were females who were not considered to be ladies. The disabled were supposed to keep out of sight.

Miss Manners wonders whether you think that there is so much consideration of others in our society that you need to disparage those who offer it. You would serve the cause of feminism better by widening the application of courtesies, not squelching them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I just heard about a couple who is getting married and charging their guests up to $200. If you want to attend the wedding, it will cost a certain specified amount. If you want to go to the reception, it will cost another specified amount. If you want to EAT at the reception, it will cost even more -- up to a total of $200 each.

So it could cost a couple $400 to attend this wedding. I wonder if they’re expecting a present on top of this.

GENTLE READER: Certainly they are expecting to squeeze their guests as much as possible. But this offer does not strike Miss Manners as a bargain, and imagines that those who agree will decline the honor of attending.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend who is kind, intelligent and interesting. But she has a habit of doing something that really bothers me, and I’m not sure how to handle it.

She is not the kind of person who hands out compliments, and when she does, it doesn’t feel like one. Right after our youngest daughter’s wedding, she sent me a text to tell me how nice it was, but that she liked our other daughter’s wedding venue better.

I didn’t ask for her opinion. She did the same thing after we moved to a new house. I invited her over and without my asking, she told me our first house was her favorite. Again, I didn’t ask.

Why would you offer a compliment about a previous event or purchase during the current one? It’s so exasperating! And rude. I have always complimented her on her taste, her appearance, etc. and she never seems to have anything constructive to say to me. It seems so petty to let this bother me, but it does, and I’m not sure how to respond to these backhanded compliments. What do you advise?

GENTLE READER: That you get a better class of friends. Miss Manners recalls you starting this question by stating how kind and intelligent your friend was. Evidence seems to point otherwise.

You might respond, ”I am so sorry that you feel that way, but it seems there is nothing we can do about it now. I hope that you were/will be able to enjoy the evening, nevertheless.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: With the proliferation of online and desktop publishing, it seems that anyone with a computer and an idea can become an instant “published author.”

How do we, who would rather choose the books we want to read, respond politely to friends and even remote acquaintances who press their books on us, not just to read, but clearly for praise?

I’ve noticed lately that the energy with which these people pursue five-star ratings and praise -- but not honest critique -- seems to be in inverse proportion to the quality of the work.

The last time I was gifted with a book I would never have picked up, I thanked the person but mentioned that I had several reading projects in front of it. That hasn’t stopped her from checking in frequently for my glowing response.

I did read some of it. Life is too short to continue. How does one deal with this situation?

GENTLE READER: With less effort than you have been. By issuing a time frame for reading the book, you have invited the author to follow up on it by simply waiting a little longer before demanding a response. A simple thank-you for the book -- with no explanation of why there will be no future review -- will suffice.

If one is requested, you may say, “Oh, I thought it was a present. I’m afraid I do not consider myself a critic, or even much of a writer.” Miss Manners hopes that for your sake, this particular book’s author will eventually find the same humility.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)