DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received an email message from a business colleague whose parents lost all of their belongings in a flood. She sent to all of her business acquaintances a list of suggested items that we should consider buying for her parents to help them recover.

I’m not certain how to respond! While I have all the sympathy on the earth for her parents, I’ve never seen anyone come right out and ask colleagues to buy things like this for people we’ve never met. The list contains ordinary household items, but she also has listed pretty expensive stuff like computer printers, power tools, and high-end toaster ovens.

How can I respond to her without being rude?

GENTLE READER: If you want to decline, you needn’t respond, any more than you would to any other solicitation to send money. A letter of sympathy would be gracious, but Miss Manners worries that such might not be well-received without the requested donation.

By no means should this be taken as an excuse to discourage charity. There are an extraordinary number of flood victims, and if you can help them or others in need, you certainly should. Miss Manners is only questioning the best way to do this.

Naturally, you will want to assist people you care about. And there are reputable organizations to which you can direct your more general compassion for others, rather than responding randomly to whoever asks.

If this sounds unduly harsh, it is because there is an epidemic of self-fundraising, and not all on behalf of the truly desperate. Begging for help, which ought to be a last resort, has become so easy online that those who are not victims of disaster are asking for assistance with the ordinary expenses of life, and even for luxuries.

Evidently this is not the case with your colleague’s parents. But even the most generous people need some way of evaluating and prioritizing the torrent of pleas pouring through the internet. This is best done when you know the individual circumstances, or trust a filtering organization. Social embarrassment -- the awkwardness of not complying with requests -- should not figure into it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have many grandchildren -- 17, to be exact. There is one granddaughter I don’t mind not seeing often. She is almost 5, and is a very selfish and rude kid. I’ve spoken with her parents about her character but I believe they dismiss my concerns for their child’s need to improve sociably. I feel annoyed by this child’s behavior. What should I do not to feel annoyed?

GENTLE READER: Understand that the child needs to learn manners, and help her.

As you have 17 grandchildren, Miss Manners understands that your time with them is limited, and you want to spend it with the pleasanter children among them. But the child will eventually suffer from her parents’ failure to do their job, and you could be making an important contribution.

This is best done by refraining from criticizing the parents and even the child herself. Rather, you should try to arouse her interest by putting her in slightly new situations -- lunch alone with you, for example -- and explaining “how things are done” as if they were rules of a game.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a primary care physician. As such, I see medical problems both complex and simple. It is not uncommon to see a patient who is expecting a certain diagnosis (i.e., an ear infection), but after an appropriate examination and history-taking, they are diagnosed with something that they consider more minor.

Occasionally, they will complain to me, “Well, that was a waste of a co-pay!” I must admit that I’m not sure how to respond.

Miss Manners, I am not a physician who rushes through appointments with my patients. I’ve taken the time to examine them, speak to them and educate them on how they can feel better, as well as what symptoms would necessitate a follow-up. I would better understand their sentiment if I was in and out quickly, or if I had done something to make them feel as if they are wasting my time, but I don’t believe that either of these is the case.

While I know their statement is likely an expression of their disappointment in their own self-diagnostic abilities, it also serves to discount the worth of my own education, experience and time. Do you have an appropriate response for such comments?

GENTLE READER: “Were you hoping for something more serious? I can assure you that any more interesting prognoses will be far less convenient -- and much more expensive than the co-pay.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a wife, full-time employee, mentor for children, and a full-time graduate student with two teenagers who will both be in college within two years. I have many nieces and nephews under age 10 who I adore.

Most of my energy goes into studying and ramping up my career for my impending empty nest, and any downtime I get, I would rather spend with my immediate family.

The problem is, I have numerous friends who hint at my being a “bad friend” because I have no time to cultivate our friendships. How can I politely let them know I have no time or energy for them at this time, without them thinking I am abandoning them for good? I am tired of explaining time and again why I cannot come over for drinks, have dinner, etc.

GENTLE READER: How do you politely tell your friends that even if you had free time, you would not wish to spend it with them?

The art of out-busying others is one that Miss Manners finds particularly distasteful. Everyone is busy and everyone has to prioritize available “downtime.”

But saying that the invitations you receive are a burden to you is as impolite as it is unseemly. Fortunately for you, it is likely a problem that will solve itself when your friends get tired of trying.

If you wish to avoid this, Miss Manners recommends that you attempt to make plans far enough in the future that it will be more convenient for you. However, since it sounds like that date will likely be two years from now, she wishes you good luck in getting your friends to keep them.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister-in-law (wife of my husband’s brother) has declined the last five invitations to events either thrown by me or in my honor, each time with a not-entirely-convincing last-minute excuse (i.e., traffic was bad, her child was tired, etc.).

How many times do I allow her to decline before I remove her from my guest list entirely?

GENTLE READER: How important are the relationships with the rest of the people involved?

The easiest solution is to continue to keep her on the list so as not to provoke ire amongst her and the rest of the family. But if you are feeling bold and can maintain a polite tone, Miss Manners would recommend that you enlist your brother, saying, “It seems that our parties always seem to fall on times that are inconvenient for Sophie. Would she rather that I not burden her with them?” This will likely either force her into a confession or encourage your brother to press the issue privately.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I live in a small apartment building and he works from home. He is also a very gregarious person, and it is hard on him, having no opportunity to socialize during the day.

Now that the weather has improved, he’s started working on our back porch. In the afternoons, as he finishes up, he greets every neighbor and passer-by and ends up inviting many of them to “stay awhile.” And they do.

Three or four days a week, I get home from my job to find a crowd around the door with my husband liberally dispensing wine and snacks to all and sundry. These guests then stay, and stay, and stay -- sometimes through the dinner hour, and oftentimes until bedtime or later. Weekends are just as bad.

These are not my good friends. These guests drink all my wine, eat all my food, never reciprocate and never leave. It feels rude to walk away from the party, but there are other things I’d like to do in the evenings or on the weekend, like errands or housework or cooking dinner. Sometimes I just want to engage in my hobbies or read a book.

But I’m trapped by guests that I haven’t invited. Is there a polite way to disengage from the party, or do I just need to accept the hit to my time, wine rack, grocery budget and sanity and wait for winter to come around again?

GENTLE READER: Yes, about the groceries and wine. These are your husband’s guests, and presumably his shared larder. But without prior knowledge of their presence, you may politely excuse yourself, citing work or other obligations the next morning.

However, there is a more important conversation that needs to happen with your husband -- and soon. Without completely curbing his fun and occasional right to have impromptu guests, you may negotiate reasonable limitations. Time restrictions, for example, may be set -- as well as maximum volumes and grocery limits. And if violated, requests that the party continue at someone else’s house --or a local pub or cafe -- should also be instigated by your husband.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)