DEAR MISS MANNERS: In my work as a college professor, it is a joy to see the students learn and grow, and I love having a small part in their stories. But there are two related queries to which I have yet to identify a gracious response. Both come, whether via email or face-to-face, from students who have missed class for any of a wide variety of reasons.

Question 1: ”What did I miss?” I’m uncertain how to politely explain that I’m not able to offer a condensed version of the class to the student.

Question 2: ”Did I miss anything important?” Almost anything I can think of to say sounds either sarcastic or as if I were hurt, and neither is what I would want to convey, for the inquirer generally means well.

GENTLE READER: The words of your answer will be straightforward if we can first agree on delivery. The tone you are looking for is “professorial,” itself a variation on “serious.”

As a nation of people hoping to someday be on a television comedy series, we have forgotten that not all responses can, or should, be sarcastic (or what passes for witty banter). Miss Manners herself has, on occasion, shockingly been known to lighten a difficult situation with humor.

For those needing a refresher, serious statements are direct and unequivocal, said without the wry smile, the look away or a roll of the eyes. Neutral, in other words:

“We covered the causes of the Spanish Civil War, which are in chapters five through eight in the textbook.” This is the pattern for answers to both questions, as you will want to leave any determination of the importance of the lecture as an exercise for the student.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have some very good friends who have always been there for me. They live very close to my house.

This year, since my youngest kid is not old enough to take the school bus, they offered to drop her off at my home after school with her older siblings. I work full-time and this was such a great blessing for me. They have done this wholeheartedly and have never expected anything back.

I want to reward them with something really special, and I am not sure how to do that. My spouse thinks I should give them a generous monetary gift card, but I am not sure if that would offend them and affect our beautiful friendship. At the same time, I do not want to do nothing for them when they have done so much for me. How do you reward your close friends?

GENTLE READER: At some point, they may need an equally selfless act on your part, which you will no doubt be glad to do. But in the meantime, Miss Manners applauds you for recognizing that a friendship is different than a commercial transaction.

What you want to express is gratitude. This can be done with an effusive letter and a small gift. Just remember that it is the gift, not the letter, that is optional.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’ve recently left elected office. How and when do I use “The Honorable” and “Senator”?

GENTLE READER: Never.

Lest you squeal in protest, Miss Manners assures you that she is not trying to deprive you of your honors. But these are for others to confer. In writing to you, the correct address is “The Honorable,” followed by your full name and no other title; you should be addressed as “Senator” with your surname.

But unless you are writing or talking to yourself, you should modestly refrain.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper etiquette as far as guests wanting to contribute to parties?

I like to entertain for different occasions, plan a menu and do the cooking myself. I am not a person who likes potluck, excessive leftovers or a table full of one type of food such as desserts. I finally got most people to accept this and just come to my parties.

I do, however, have one friend who insists on bringing a dish. I told her there is no need to bring anything, that I enjoy planning and doing the cooking. On one occasion, she told me we would do the party at her house if I didn’t let her bring anything as her contribution. It was MY invitation and MY party. I got so annoyed, I just canceled the party.

To my last invitation, she told me she would come to see everyone, but not eat anything. This would have been awkward for me and possibly other guests, so I rescinded my invitation to her. There was also another guest who brought something to my last party even though I asked everyone not to.

Is there any tactful way to respond to those who insist on bringing a dish and get my point across?

GENTLE READER: You will get your point across by accepting those offerings while saying, “Thank you, we’ll look forward to enjoying this tomorrow,” and whisking them out of sight and reach of the donors.

But don’t you wonder why your supposed friends are frantic about contributing to the meal, to the point of antagonizing you?

Miss Manners guesses that it is because they believe that this excuses them from doing any share of the entertaining themselves. When your guest threatened to hijack your party, your response should not have been to cancel it, but to say, “Well, my party is already planned, but I’d be delighted if you would pick another date when we can go to you.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I find that I could use a guide to the invitation language regarding wedding attire.

For example, what does “semiformal” mean for a wedding guest? What about “semiformal garden party”? “Informal”? “Formal afternoon”? “Day attire”? “Black tie optional”? And the latest: “festive attire”?

I have seen these and more on wedding invitations, and am uncertain about how women and men should dress, not to mention how this is affected by the time and season of the wedding. Would you please explain how to dress properly based on the invitation language?

GENTLE READER: What they are all trying to say, in this improvised and confusing way, is “Please Dress Up.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I took relatives out to brunch. During our conversation, we were talking about my niece’s new job and her search for a nanny to watch both her baby and a friend’s. My stepmother remarked twice that she couldn’t tell if the other child was a boy or a girl.

Later, after one of the servers freshened our drinks, she commented that she couldn’t tell if the server was male or female. And she repeated it. I responded, with a look of puzzlement, that the server was female.

I’m disappointed that I didn’t have a better response to what was a rude and poisonous remark. This woman often drops offensive, butter-wouldn’t-melt negative judgments that are personal, political or class-based.

Do you have suggestions for handling this gracefully (not my strongest point) while communicating that it’s not OK, at least around me? Complicating matters is that my father is elderly and I’m the only child near him.

GENTLE READER: Life must be getting more interesting for your stepmother, with her fascination with strangers’ gender identities. There are so many more now to choose among.

Miss Manners is given to understand that there are people who consider “What is your pronoun?” a polite question, although there are others with whom she would not advise trying it.

In any case, asking people directly should be on a need-to-know basis. (Small babies are an exception. Unless they have bows tied on their bald heads, it is considered legitimate to ask, as there are so few conversation openers with them.)

But if your stepmother is merely speculating privately and you find it annoying, you need only murmur, “I didn’t notice.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My roommates think it is OK to eat asparagus with their hands. However, I believe this looks childish and that asparagus should be eaten with a knife and fork. Is it really a finger food?

GENTLE READER: Yes, it really is. Every once in a while, etiquette likes to shock people, and this will do it.

However, as it offends you, you can invest in asparagus tongs. Miss Manners assures you that seeing what look like small silver forceps on the dinner table will produce an equal amount of shock.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A 30-year-old member of our family died eight months ago. A relative held a wedding this month.

Although the couple was not acquainted with the deceased, many of the family were, and had attended his memorial. Knowing how complicated wedding preparations are, what might be the proper way to go forward (or not) with a wedding so close to a family death?

GENTLE READER: The rule is not to require that weddings be suspended -- but that rule dates from the time when a wedding consisted chiefly of a ceremony and not a festive (and, as you say, complicated) pageant.

With the bridal couple not knowing the deceased, Miss Manners sees no reason for them to postpone the wedding. In that spirit, some more directly bereaved family members might have chosen to attend the ceremony but not the related festivities.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)