DEAR MISS MANNERS: I will be having surgery soon to alleviate the embarrassing problem of bowel incontinence. I found a great doctor and have family support, but need to know what to say to nosy acquaintances who inquire about the reason for my hospital stay.

“None of your darn business” or “You don’t want to know” are my favorite responses, but neither seems appropriate. Suggestions?

GENTLE READER: “It’s just a standard procedure, but you are so kind to ask.” Repeat as necessary, resisting the urge to elaborate.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While I am certain that Miss Manners has never experienced this herself, what would you suggest for someone who unintentionally says something to a friend that obviously upsets or hurts them deeply?

I know a quick apology is necessary, but what if that is not enough? If the hurt goes beyond a simple apology, how does one attempt to make it right? I fear that I may have permanently hurt a friend that I care for deeply, and I am not sure what to do now.

GENTLE READER: Write a letter. Make it heartfelt and offer no excuses. Tell your friend how much the friendship matters to you. And mean it.

The novelty of writing something by hand and mailing it will give the matter the formality and gravity it deserves. And while you are correct in thinking that Miss Manners has rarely needed to write such a letter herself, the same reasoning has offered her a far better rate of response than email for her social invitations. That and her imposing presence.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work at an apartment complex, and I have a tenant who doesn’t seem to bathe or even use deodorant. Therefore he reeks something super fierce when he comes into our office.

He comes into the office building once a month to pay his rent, and the door to my office is right by the front door to the building. He hands me his check and is in and out in 10 seconds, but his stench will travel all the way to the other side of the building.

After he leaves, I have to Lysol the air in the whole building a few times to get rid of the smell, and hope that it goes away before a prospect walks in. The same happens if he comes in to pick up a package, except then, he is in the office much longer than 10 seconds.

To my great surprise, I haven’t had any complaints from his neighbors about his foul odor, but I’m getting to the point where I really want to tell him he needs to shower or something before he enters our office. I just don’t know how to say it politely. Could you offer any suggestions?

GENTLE READER: Get a mailbox system. There is no polite way to tell this gentleman that he should bathe, especially since you seem to be the only one affected by it. Miss Manners suggests that you either create a drop-off for the rent checks and mailed packages or a private, enclosed office for yourself.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter has a lot of cats and more than one litter box. One is kept in the spare room, which is where she expects me to sleep if I visit. She thinks I am overreacting to not want to sleep in that room. Is she inconsiderate or am I wrong?

GENTLE READER: Unless the occupant is a federal prisoner, it seems reasonable to Miss Manners not to have to share quarters with another occupant’s night soil. If your daughter will not honor your request, then perhaps you can claim a recently developed reaction to ordure (a synonym for bodily waste, but it sounds authentic, doesn’t it?) and ask if she can at least temporarily put it in the bathroom instead.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I, in the past, have been invited to our neighbor’s home for drinks. I always ask if there is anything I can bring, and they always reply with “BYOB.”

What is such an invitation about, if they are going to have us over for drinks and then tell us to BYOB? I find it rude -- and we have been invited again for drinks, with the same reply that we bring our own beverages. It will just be them and my husband and me.

GENTLE READER: Forgive Miss Manners for demanding the obvious, but if you do not like the answer, why do you keep asking the question?

She has all but given up on imploring guests to reciprocate invitations by responding in kind, rather than by furnishing the supplies. So while it is certainly odd to ask guests to bring their own drinks to a drinks party, your hosts may well be exhausted from thinking of other things for you to do, and have chosen this as the most obvious solution to a persistent question.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What would be an appropriate response to a relative who often points out that we have more money than she does?

She bases her belief on the fact that we travel and states that she can’t afford to take “expensive” trips. (If she were to skip the shopping trips to NYC and ocean cruises, she could afford that river cruise.)

We had a tag sale and she remarked that we should just give items away, because “it’s not like you need the money.” I do not discuss my finances with her, so she is just making assumptions.

GENTLE READER: As are you. The critical difference being that your relative is making these assumptions directly to you -- instead of in a public forum for all to see.

To be clear, Miss Manners does not at all condone your relative’s rude behavior; she is just pointing out the irony. Make a deal with her that you will not judge the way she spends her money, if she does not criticize yours. And then -- at least in public forums -- stick to it.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it appropriate to call another woman’s husband a pet name and leave voicemail messages that start off as “Hi, honey”?

GENTLE READER: Curious as Miss Manners is as to your own part in the aforementioned drama -- wife, husband or other woman -- she is unsure of the identity of the caller, which affects her answer.

The husband’s mother gets a pass, with perhaps some room for a droll, longtime family friend. Other ladies will need either an innocuous pet name or a good explanation.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am normally addressed by my last name, or some variation on “Doctor,” and my correspondence has only my initials. Few people call me by my first name or simply my first initial.

I have been engaged in polite correspondence with a business acquaintance, which is blossoming into a friendship. I know that some initial information contained my name, but all follow-up communiques have been via email and did not contain my first name.

On two separate occasions, this person has accidentally emailed and addressed me by the wrong first name. The first was on a condolence note and that did not seem like the time to offer a correction. The second time was recently and on more routine correspondence via email.

I do not wish to give offense, but I would not like to leave the person mistaken in my name. Should I simply add to my next reply the ending of “Sincerely yours, (Correct Name)” and hope the recipient notices? Or in replying to the email, where there will be the previously written text, I could insert a phrase like “Oops, it’s actually (Correct Name).”

GENTLE READER: In the days when people distinguished their co-workers from their friends, one way of signaling the occasional transition from one category to the other was by inviting the person to address you by your first name. Miss Manners recommends reviving the tradition in your case.

If you were to say how much you have enjoyed getting to know your acquaintance better and that you look forward to a long friendship, you could insert a request that they call you by your first name. Since such requests are, today, unusual -- and, in this case, after the fact -- your new friend may pause long enough to learn your real name.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend of mine is dead. Do I send a sympathy card to the ex-wife? They were married 30-plus years, divorced maybe five years, and have two adult sons handling all the arrangements. I definitely sent cards to the sons, but am not sure about the ex-wife (she has remarried).

GENTLE READER: Unless you were close to the ex-wife, and have reason to know that her feelings about the deceased were such as to cause grief at his death, Miss Manners recommends that you limit your condolences to those whose claims to bereavement are clearer.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)