DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am the maid of honor in an upcoming wedding. I was recently laid off for four months without receiving unemployment pay. I got a job last month, but the salary is significantly less than what I made previously. I’m single and am having trouble making ends meet while playing catch-up on my bills.

To cut down on costs, I tried borrowing a formal dress for the wedding, because the bride only specified a color, not a particular style. Unfortunately, the shade did not exactly match her daughter’s dress, so I now need to buy one.

Thankfully, she didn’t want a shower as it’s her second wedding, but she has asked for a bachelorette party. I’m the only adult in the wedding, so I’ll be footing the bill for that. I plan to give her cash or a gift card for her gift.

I haven’t been to or been in a wedding in over 10 years. I certainly don’t want to upset her by not giving enough, but what is an appropriate amount to give?

GENTLE READER: Being the maid of honor means that you are the bride’s best friend. Would she really want to cause you hardship, even over such trivial matters as the shade of your and her daughter’s dress?

Miss Manners can only hope that this lady is unaware of your difficulties, perhaps supposing that your new job solved them. The graceful way to tell her would be to confide that you are no longer able to assume the costs that you would have liked to, and to offer to step down as her maid of honor.

If she has a sense of friendship and honor, she will insist that that is not why she chose you, that she will not hear of your stepping back, that the dress is fine, and that she will arrange to cut back on activities.

If she, instead, accepts, consider that it would have been a mistake anyway for you to be maid of honor, as you are not such good friends, after all.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I tasted a delicious dessert while traveling, and when I returned home, I tried replicating it. I finally perfected it and now like to make it for special occasions, prepare it for fundraisers, and give it as a gift to friends and family at Christmas.

My problem is that other women have asked for the recipe. It isn’t just that I spent the time and effort to come up with it, but since I socialize in a small community, I don’t want everyone to have it. If I give it to an insistent acquaintance, she is friends with my friends and will no doubt serve it to them.

How do I politely decline to share my secret recipe?

GENTLE READER: Coyly. The secretive chef is a stock character with which others are familiar, and you only have to learn to play the part pleasantly.

“Sorry,” Miss Manners suggests saying, “but that’s my secret lure. I’d hate to have you able to make it for yourself, because then you’d not be as eager to come to see me.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My young daughter contends that it is rude of children she doesn’t know to try to join her playground games. She likes to play alone, with just one or two close friends, or with me.

I think the young strangers are usually being friendly, but I do recall, from several of your columns, that it is poor manners to attempt to engage a stranger in public.

For this reason, I see precedence for allowing my daughter to coldly dismiss these kids. However, I wonder if there are rules of the public playground that require more warmth. She knows I read your column and would, I think, be swayed by your words.

GENTLE READER: How clever of her. However, there is indeed a difference between children and adults in this situation.

Playgrounds are a social meeting ground for children. And while children should not assume that they can automatically join in another’s play, they should be greeted with civility if they ask politely. If their presence is truly unwelcome, your daughter could say, “I’m so sorry, but I came here to play with a friend who I rarely get to see. Maybe another time we will both be here and we can play together then.”

Miss Manners feels compelled to add that there will likely come a day, whether at the playground or at a social club or mixer, when your daughter herself will want to approach an attractive stranger. Surely then she will likewise want to be treated with kindness.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter lives in California and she is getting married in November. Since our family lives in Indiana, I was thinking of having a virtual bridal shower for her. What is your opinion of virtual showers?

GENTLE READER: That they are “actual” pleas for presents and money without any of that annoying pretense of enjoying the company of the loved ones who purchased them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter and I attended the bridal shower for a friend’s future daughter-in-law. We had absolutely no desire to attend this shower (for many, many reasons), but we went anyway. We both conducted ourselves properly and gave lovely gifts.

We were pretty much ignored. One of the “games” was to have the guests address the envelopes to themselves for the thank-you notes. I guess this was so that the bride didn’t have to bother putting much effort into thanking people. Our thank-you notes mentioned the wrong gifts.

Now that my daughter is getting married, this friend is using every lame excuse in the book for not attending the shower. I have always felt that if someone attends your shower, etc., you are pretty much obligated to attend theirs, unless you are now deceased. Am I wrong?

GENTLE READER: Yes. Why would you want this rude and inconsiderate woman at your daughter’s shower, anyway? And where did you get the idea that death is the benchmark for an excuse not to attend something?

Certainly not from Miss Manners. In fact, she does not require that guests create excuses at all. Just that they politely say, “I am so sorry, but I am unable to attend.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At a buffet dinner line where the food is disappearing faster than the people in line waiting to fill their plates, does one (within reason, of course) take the final bits of a food item in hopes the restaurant will replenish it quickly?

This seems rude to others still in line. It seems to scream in inconsiderate tones, “Sorry, none for you, as I took the last one.”

I’m bringing this up is because I attended a birthday party at a very nice, established restaurant in a private banquet room, where the dinner was buffet style. I was not at the beginning of the line but rather about three-quarters to the end.

By the time it was my turn, the food supply was running very low. There were obviously many guests yet behind me and I had no idea whether or not the host had arranged for the restaurant to bring out more food when the trays were running low. Asking the server seemed like it was not my place, and neither did asking the host to score more food, as maybe they had not included it in part of the overall pricing of the event.

Looking at empty food trays while there was still a line in back of me made me very uncomfortable. I simply quietly commented to the person in line behind me that I had had a late lunch and was not particularly hungry (which was not true), then just placed a couple leaves of lettuce on my plate and returned to my seat. Help!!!!! What are guests supposed to do?

GENTLE READER: Asking the server -- whose job is precisely to help guests with the meal -- is perfectly proper. If reinforcements are en route, you will then have to decide between waiting and helping yourself.

Miss Manners warns you that the latter choice may annoy the next person in line, whose dinner is delayed and without the comfort of your presence. Should you instead learn that the food supply is at an end, your choice will be between a light supper and extra birthday cake.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am in a long-distance relationship with my fiance. If I’m lucky, I get to speak to him once a day on the telephone. He has the annoying habit of calling me and then, if one of his friends calls during our conversation, he’ll abruptly say he’ll call me back to take the other phone call.

I find this habit extremely rude, and many times I won’t even answer when he calls back an hour later to talk to me. I believe that since I was speaking to him first, he should send the other caller a text saying that he is on the phone and will return their call shortly.

I could understand if it’s a relative calling from long distance, or an important phone call he’s been waiting for, but usually it’s a friend calling to chat. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: That if your fiance’s behavior annoys you -- and the interruptions you describe would certainly annoy Miss Manners -- you will need to discuss it with him, not merely leave hints like not answering his return calls. It will save time after the marriage, and perhaps you can discover before the ceremony why the hints have been so far unavailing.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)