life

Friend Doesn’t Want to ‘Get Political’ -- But Does Anyway

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | June 25th, 2017 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I, like many others, am a person who prefers to keep her political opinions private. For this reason, I do not like to discuss politics in social situations.

Lately I’ve had quite a few encounters in which a person will say: “Not to get political ...” and then proceed to talk about politics. I will try to discreetly change the subject, but the person is often very determined to stay on the subject he or she brought up.

Normally I would end a political discussion by saying: “I’m sorry, but I really prefer not to discuss politics.” However, in this situation I feel uncomfortable doing that, as that seems to call out the person on his or her earlier assertion that he or she wasn’t going to talk about politics.

How do I politely let them know that I’m not comfortable with that topic of conversation?

GENTLE READER: “As you so wisely said, let’s not discuss politics.”

life

Miss Manners for June 25, 2017

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | June 25th, 2017 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My best friend continues to tell others (her family and friends) about all of our personal conversations, even when we have agreed not to. I have caught her repeating our personal conversations to others, and often her family and friends tell me what she has said to them.

I have asked many times nicely and also have shared my frustration/anger. She continues to share our business to others. She tells me often she will try and do better, and she is trying to work on not talking so much. Yet this still continues daily, and history continues to repeat itself.

What would Miss Manners tell me that I should say to my best friend?

GENTLE READER: She can tell you what NOT to say to your best friend: anything that you do not want spread around.

Miss Manners understands that part of best-friendship is supposed to be the ability to share confidences. But this always involves risk. A friend could be careless, or feel that it was all right to pass things on in supposed confidence. The friendship could end, and the friend might no longer feel bound to respect the agreement.

In this case, however, indiscretion is not a risk but a certainty. You should have learned by now that nothing works to stop your friend from gossiping about you. So your only protection is to stop giving her the material to do so.

life

Miss Manners for June 25, 2017

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | June 25th, 2017 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am hosting a couple’s wedding shower. I asked for an RSVP and have received two responses that read simply, ”RSVP for the shower for Helen and Bob.” There is no indication of declining or accepting.

I assume it is an acceptance. Is this proper?

GENTLE READER: It’s meaningless. They have replied, which is something, but what have they replied?

Miss Manners puts this confusion down to our silly persistence in using a French abbreviation, when a lot of people seem not to have been paying attention in French class. RSVP means “please respond.”

Or maybe they failed to grasp the fact that although “s’il vous plait” translates literally as “if you please,” that only indicates politeness; it does not mean “only if you happen to feel like it.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Accept That Friend Might Not Always Want to Talk

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | June 22nd, 2017 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My best friend and I usually talk three to four times a week or more, but she only ever calls me or answers the phone if she’s driving from work, driving on errands -- DRIVING anywhere, frankly -- or if she is walking her dog.

She never picks up the phone otherwise, especially after 6 p.m., unless she is outside driving somewhere. I text her that I called and it says that she read it, but she won’t call back.

I know everyone is busy, I know people have things to do, but I know (for sure) that all she does at home after 6 p.m. is watch TV and relax.

I don’t have a specific time limit when she calls me. If I’m at home, it doesn’t matter if it’s 11 p.m., I’ll pick up. It’s normal for people to talk if they are relaxing at home.

I feel stupid even feeling this way, but I just feel like it always has to be her way. I’m not sure if I should talk to her about it; I’m not good at confrontation. Am I dumb for thinking this isn’t fair or that it’s odd? Should I confront her about it? And if I confront her, what should I say?

GENTLE READER: With what, exactly, do you want to confront her? Confirmation that she does not find you relaxing?

Miss Manners feels certain that such a conversation would be far more discomforting than simply accepting the fact that your friend prefers certain times of day to talk on the telephone. If you object to her doing so while distracted with something else, then do not answer. Or ask if she can call you back at a better time. Or make arrangements to see her in person. Just probably not after 6 p.m.

life

Miss Manners for June 22, 2017

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | June 22nd, 2017 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I saved for a while to purchase what I thought was the perfect housewarming gift for my sister-in-law. She had mentioned very, very often before moving that she desperately needed water glasses. She had very few left and they were all different sizes and shapes.

My gift was a set of 12 tall water glasses. As soon as she received them, she called me and left a voicemail saying “Thanks, they’re beautiful, but I have no use for them.” She’d already bought some.

She suggested they be returned, by me, for store credit, or perhaps I should just keep them as I would also be moving soon. I suggested that she give them to my daughter, which she did. I was very hurt by her terse rejection of my gift... Am I being over-sensitive?

GENTLE READER: She probably thought she was doing you some kind of favor by letting you know that your efforts to please her had failed.

All that she had to do was to thank you and then return the glasses herself, or pass them on -- while making sure that you did not catch her doing so. Instead, she passed the additional burden to you, which Miss Manners agrees was rude.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Personal News Should Remain Private

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | June 20th, 2017 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Can you ask people not to post other people’s private information on social media?

When my sister died, a distant relative inadvertently learned of it and posted the news on social media before my sister’s children could be notified, with heart-wrenching consequences. When my mother was hospitalized with a serious illness, she asked that only immediate family know the particulars. Again, a distant relative learned of the details, posting daily until discovered. Finally, when Mom died, someone overheard news of her death and posted on social media before immediate family could be told.

GENTLE READER: English speakers are particularly bad at compound nouns, a fact Miss Manners once demonstrated with the oxymoron “industrial park,” but for which she will now substitute “social media.”

It is not that social media is neither media nor social -- it is decidedly both -- but that in the race to use it as a platform for self-promotion, posters forget the manners applicable to both.

Personal news is best delivered by those closest to the person being notified. Others do so at their peril, a fact to which the military has long been sensitive. You would not casually tell someone terrible news at a party. And newspapers go to some trouble to consult relatives before publishing obituaries. Social media is not the place to post other people’s sensitive news.

You may now consider everyone told. Miss Manners hopes you will find someone else capable of enforcing this ban.

life

Miss Manners for June 20, 2017

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | June 20th, 2017 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am searching for the proper response when an apology is offered after I have been wronged. I ended up saying “It’s OK,” but then it occurred to me that, no, it’s not OK.

A pizza place messed up my order, and I didn’t discover their error until I got home. And because I live outside of their delivery area, my only recourse was to drive a considerable distance to pick up the correct pizza and return home. They corrected their error and said, “We’re sorry for the mix-up.”

I don’t believe my tone or attitude was inappropriate, and I appreciate their remorse, but is there an appropriate response to their apology that conveys that this was a pretty big inconvenience for me? “Apology accepted” seems a little formal.

GENTLE READER: Accepting an apology with cold formality is an excellent way to display your insincerity, if that is all you want.

But the restaurant already acknowledged both its mistake and your inconvenience by showing remorse.

If you want a more demonstrative acknowledgment on their part, Miss Manners urges you not to be so quick to solve a problem of their making. Driving back a considerable distance was not your only recourse. Had you called before doing so, there would have been an opportunity for the restaurant to make an exception to their delivery area. And a complaint to the boss can still underscore the level of your dissatisfaction.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

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