DEAR MISS MANNERS: When do you stop being “divorced” and start being “single”?

GENTLE READER: Divorced people are also, by definition, single, as no remarried lady since Hamlet’s mother invented the paperless divorce has wondered if she was “married” or still “divorced.”

After decades in which people fought to reduce the nosiness of motor vehicle departments, employers and bores, their descendants are only too eager to label themselves with alarming specificity to anyone who will listen. Miss Manners attributes this to social media platforms that began, innocently enough, with the idea that one’s “status” should be as granular as “available,” “busy,” “away,” “at lunch” and so on -- when she would have thought that “listening” and “not” covered all relevant possibilities.

Modern sensitivities notwithstanding, Miss Manners is willing to leave the choice between “divorced” and “single” up to the individual, so long as formerly married persons can agree not to use the latter until the former has been legalized.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The company I work for is privately owned by one family and has a few different companies under the same umbrella, with each company headed by a different member of the family. Some of the companies are housed together, while others are on different floors in the same building or in a building next door.

The result is that I do not know many of the people who work for the parent company. I have noticed that the human resources lady will send an email to the entire company announcing life events of various members of the family, i.e., births, marriages, etc. I do not always know the person the event pertains to.

What is the correct response, if any, to this type of mass email? Other people respond to the email expressing their best wishes, but I feel it would insincere to do so myself if I do not know the person.

I also find it kind of rude that only the family members are acknowledged in this way. There have been many other such events in the lives of various employees, which are not given the same consideration. Would like to know your thoughts.

GENTLE READER: If you are confused now as to how to respond to announcements about people you do not know, what is your plan when human resources follows your advice and starts posting everyone’s personal affairs?

The problem is not, to Miss Manners’ thinking, too little intimacy, but too much. While there are bosses who delight in fawning employees, most do not. In the latter case, the long-term solution is to approach a sympathetic family member to explain that such unthinking behavior by the human resources department is actually bad for company morale: other people’s, of course, not your own -- those souls who wonder how they are supposed to celebrate such occasions.

But whatever the feelings of your employers, etiquette does not require any response to mass-mailed announcements about people you do not know.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother-in-law is very ill, and we have all been put on alert for her passing away. According to the doctors, it will happen in a few weeks. We are preparing mentally for this.

My mother-in-law and I have never been close or friendly. She has always said disparaging things about me to my face and behind my back. Consequently, my in-laws have treated me as an outsider.

While not glad for her passing -- and wanting to be supportive of my spouse -- I don’t know how to respond when I will receive comments like “So sorry for your loss” or “She was such a good mother-in-law.” I’m not sorry to no longer have her in my life -- and she was not a good mother-in-law.

GENTLE READER: You should respond to condolences by saying “Thank you” and let pass any praise they may offer. They are not asking for a recital of your grievances.

Miss Manners believes that you should also be aware that by doing otherwise -- by what you think of as setting the record straight -- the reputation you alter is likely to be your own.

Complaining about in-laws while they are alive may elicit some sympathy, but doing so instead of mourning is not likely to have that response. It will seem gratuitously mean -- which is why there is a convention of not speaking ill of the dead -- as well as callous toward your presumably grieving spouse. People who feel they have known a better side of your mother-in—law will conclude that you were the problem.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When serving tea to guests, does one put in the milk and sugar first, or the tea?

I understand that the historical reason for adding milk first (that the china would crack otherwise) is no longer applicable, and that some people are firm advocates of adding the milk second so that you can properly gauge the strength of the tea, but I am unsure what is required by etiquette.

Personally, I think that adding the milk first lends a certain elegance. Additionally, should you stir the tea for the guest, or hand them their tea with the spoon resting on the saucer and allow them to stir it themselves?

GENTLE READER: As you may be aware, the issue known as Milk In First (or Last) is highly emotionally charged, especially in England.

Miss Manners refuses to take sides in the chemistry arguments. But if “elegance” is what you are after, whatever that means, she must tell you that certified snobs look down on the MIF folks.

Fortunately, there is no class angle to the question of stirring. Anyone who drinks tea is presumed to be capable of stirring it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My soon-to-be daughter-in-law has made a bridal registry. She has a 12-year-son from a prior relationship.

Is it appropriate to add a soccer net to a registry?

GENTLE READER: Evidently you have not noticed that Miss Manners does not believe that getting married -- or graduating, or having a baby, or any other milestone -- is a license to beg. What you beg for does not make it more or less acceptable.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A good friend of mine was a houseguest for one night during a march in D.C. She spent the first two nights of her stay in a local hotel but, a few weeks before her visit, she had called to ask me if she could stay with me for her last night in town. I told her of course.

She also offered to pay me $100, the same as her hotel room rate. I told her at the time, absolutely not -- she was a guest and I would be so happy to put her up.

To note: Five years previously, she spent a summer renting a room in my apartment when I was in the early stages of a severe chronic illness. I have been unemployed and on disability ever since then, but I am slowly recovering, although financially it’s been tight.

Now, years later, I am happy to be well enough to offer her a place to stay, and her visit with me, while barely lasting 24 hours, was a very nice reunion of sorts for both of us.

I tidied her room shortly after she left, but it wasn’t until several weeks later that I discovered a card she tucked into a corner of the room I had not touched. Within was a short thank-you and a $100 bill.

I am not offended or hurt, just embarrassed that I didn’t find the card until weeks later, and I feel she could use the money for something else in life, as she is retired and had already paid quite a bit for airfare and hotel for her stay. I am just so happy I was able to offer her a place to stay to complete her visit.

I am planning to send her a note, and I’d like to send back the money and say, “I promise, next time you can pay me!” Her visit was pure joy for me -- gift enough -- and as much as her generosity is heartfelt, I’d like the money back in her hands. That way, she could share her financial generosity with someone who needs it far more than I do, or however she likes.

For me, $100 is not a small sum, but I was already given the gift of her visit, and the money is just too much. Your thoughts?

GENTLE READER: That you put all of these kind words and gratitude in the letter, omitting the part that assures her that she can pay you on the next visit. It is confusing enough that you have switched from the business arrangement you had before to one of pure hospitality without suggesting that you would be switching back.

So instead, reinforce that you were genuinely happy to have her as a guest, and that payment is not needed. Your friend is probably extremely aware of your previous financial hardship and self-conscious about requesting a room from you now. Do not embarrass her by returning the gift (if for no other reason than Miss Manners is worried about its safety in the postal system), but simply acknowledge it gracefully and ensure her that you are looking forward to expressing your gratitude in subsequent visits.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)