DEAR MISS MANNERS: A good friend of mine has informed me that my mother-in-law is throwing a surprise party for my husband's 40th birthday.

Great idea! Except for the fact that I was totally clueless. Plus this party would be at my home.

My mother-in-law never mentioned this to me, nor did she ask permission to use my home. I'm so torn between telling my husband or not telling him. As you can imagine, I'm very frustrated and upset. What do I do?

GENTLE READER: Actually surprising the guest of honor at a surprise party is not strictly required -- although an appearance of surprise is.

But Miss Manners would have thought that surprising the host would have created insuperable logistical problems. Apparently not. Your mother-in-law overstepped the bounds of common sense, as well as good manners.

But since you support the party itself -- and presumably wish to continue good relations within the family -- the best approach is to speak directly to your mother-in-law about the party itself and not, at least directly, about not being consulted. This will leave you free to agree (or disagree) with your mother-in-law about more pressing matters such as the guest list, the menu -- and possibly the location of the party.

Your complaint is best handled by prefacing your remarks with a pleasant expression of surprise that you didn't know about the party. Your husband can then be tasked with being more explicit with your mother-in-law later.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In a department that gives performance-based commissions, one of my co-workers began prodding me with questions about my commission: "What were your numbers last month?" "Have you gotten your commission check yet?" and so on.

I attempted to deflect her by saying, "Oh, I haven't paid much attention. Everything gets direct-deposited, and I never check my deposit statements. Remind me never to do your finances."

The joke does not seem to have discouraged her, however, as she recently began asking our supervisor about her commissions -- specifically, how they compare to mine.

I don't know what the privacy policies are like in this office (I am fairly new here), but I'm not keen on everyone knowing exactly how much I make. Nor do I care for the notion that my co-workers are in on the assessment of my performance. In any case, the questioning strikes me as rather nosy and off-putting.

Can Miss Manners recommend a way to discourage these questions in a clear and definitive way without harming what is otherwise a nice and friendly professional relationship?

GENTLE READER: Discussing money at work is not, Miss Manners likes to point out, subject to the normal ban on the topic in a nonprofessional setting. But that does not make it acceptable in the situation you describe.

Your attempt to deflect the question with humor is more attuned to a social than a business setting. "I'm sorry, but I do not want to discuss it," followed by a quick pivot to a less delicate subject, is both more businesslike and more likely to be effective.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have learned about another way for couples to get cash instead of gifts for their wedding without coming out and crassly asking for it.

We were invited to a wedding, and I was talking to my sister about what to choose from the gift registry. She noticed that the couple had requested two slow cookers, and I added that I saw they had registered for three identical wool blankets.

I ordered an item, but when I tried to have it sent to my house instead of to the couple, I found the item could be sent only to the address set up for the couple. I contacted the store and was told they didn't have that feature (to send it to a different address), but the person I was communicating with said he would "bring it up at the next meeting."

Later I talked to the bride-to-be, and she told me that they don't actually get the gifts; they get the value of the gifts put into their account, and they can spend it however they want: "We don't want to get anything we don't want."

GENTLE READER: Oh, a laundering scheme. There seems to be no shortage of commercial enterprises to help bridal couples shake down their wedding guests.

This one is particularly insulting as it tries to fool those guests into thinking they are exercising even the minimal amount of choice in how they spend their money by selecting something that the couple have fraudulently said they wanted.

Miss Manners is afraid that this sort of thing will stop only when people refuse to go along with the demands of their supposed hosts, whether these demands are made in the form of shopping lists, aka gift registries, or blatant or devious demands for money.

Unfortunately, many people have resigned themselves to this as a sort of admission price for attending weddings. Why they want to attend the weddings of people who are practicing extortion on them, Miss Manners cannot imagine.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How should I handle "compliments" that are really an insult to the person delivering the compliment?

I have friends who frequently say things like, "It's great to see you walking every morning with your kids. I really have no excuse for being so lazy in the mornings," or "You look so healthy! I really need to start eating better."

I never know how to respond to these comments. I work hard to maintain a healthy lifestyle in order to help combat depression that I have struggled with for years. I certainly don't spend any time worrying about my friends' exercise plans or eating habits.

What is a gracious way to accept the compliment without accepting the criticism?

GENTLE READER: You are hardly responsible for their self-flagellation. There are those who are unable to regard other people, even with admiration, without making comparisons to themselves.

So Miss Manners allows you to consider that while the compliment was directed toward you and may be answered with a simple "thank you," the criticism -- with which you can hardly argue -- may be ignored as a note-to-self.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My father is very ill and will not be with us for too much longer.

One of his daughters is estranged from the family and has been for about 20 years. This was by her own doing, and despite overtures from us -- and even her ex-husband admitting that he stirred up the trouble between her and the family -- she has chosen to keep her distance.

Even knowing how sick he is now, she has not reached out to make contact. That is fine; while it hurt my father very much, he has accepted it and never mentions her.

My sister and I, who are responsible for helping our mother with arrangements, wonder whether or not to list her, her daughter and her grandson as survivors in the obituary. Most etiquette guidelines I've found approach the topic from the point of view of the family estranging the child and not the other way around. This daughter is from my father's first marriage, so my sister and I are trying to determine the correct thing to do without worrying our mother.

Of course, we are inclined to leave her out given that she initiated and maintained the estrangement, but we do wonder if there is a point of view that we aren't considering.

GENTLE READER: Yes, unfortunately. The facts.

Despite the estranged nature of the relationship, a relationship nevertheless technically exists. An obituary is a form of journalism, and journalism reflects the truth, not opinions about what should have happened. It does not punish people for bad behavior by erasing them from history.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the correct way to address (by introduction and mail) a physician whose license has been permanently revoked?

GENTLE READER: By his or her former preferred honorific -- unless you are the victim of the license's revocation.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What verbiage can I use when inviting guests to a party at a restaurant when I want them to pay for their own meals?

GENTLE READER: You have touched upon an issue that does much to create animosity among those who are supposedly friends. Miss Manners hears constantly from people who thought they were being invited to be guests, only to be given a bill.

So please drop that language. You are not inviting people to be your guests, but asking them if they would like to meet you for a meal out.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was trying to explain to my 5-year-old daughter that I would like for her to grow up to be a lady, and her brother, a gentleman. When she asked me what a lady was, however, I struggled to come up with an answer! Can you please tell me what defines a lady and gentleman?

GENTLE READER: Good manners, impeccable poise and a covered bum.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)