DEAR MISS MANNERS: Happily, my girlfriend of two years accepted my marriage proposal, and even happier still, we can actually get legally married since we are both women. We would like to have a small ceremony at our home with friends and family who want to celebrate with us.

In an effort to have only a small number of truly supportive people with us this day, I have suggested the following: We send save-the-date cards to our invitation list. But we send full invitations only to those who respond saying they would like to attend.

This way, we are more sure of the guest count, and we are sure that those in attendance will be pleasant guests. (We both come from families that have a certain religious affiliation that is not friendly to homosexuals.)

My fiancee does not like the idea, as it will lead to confusion among those who receive the save-the-date card but who do not wish to contact us for more information.

I think if we are not close enough to a person that a phone call expressing congratulations on our engagement is too much, then we do not want them there.

GENTLE READER: Considering how many easy means of informal communications there are now, Miss Manners is astonished at how often people want to use pseudo-formal cards for informal messages.

Your fiancee is right. By no stretch of the imagination can a save-the-date card serve as a referendum on the marriage. The time for people to congratulate you was when you informed them of your engagement.

Your idea risks condemning well-meaning people who rightly understand that the card is merely an alert that an invitation will be forthcoming, and that it requires no response until then. That is also the point at which people who don't approve of the marriage can decline, although Miss Manners cautions you that there can be many reasons that may prevent attendance by people who wish you well.

Leading people to expect to be invited -- and even to turn down other invitations for that date -- and then blackballing them for lack of enthusiasm is rude.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If one attends a historical lecture and discovers the lecturer's information is factually wrong on most points, is there a polite time and manner in which one might point out more appropriate research materials?

I am a newcomer to this group and do not wish to cause offense, but historical medicine is a hobby of mine, and it riles me to have an "expert" pass off fantasy as history.

GENTLE READER: It is indeed churlish to correct a speaker, but you can certainly ask for clarification. As in: "I was always led to believe that treating disease with hot cups to correct the balance of the humors was no longer considered effective. Is there new evidence to show that it is?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Can you wear hats when it's raining?

GENTLE READER: Sure, but they will get wet.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it rude to ask someone the significance of their tattoo(s)?

GENTLE READER: Only for ones you cannot see.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I invited five moms from my mothers group (call them casual friends) to my beautiful and stylish vacation condo. Before we left, there was the expectation that the guests would pay a cleaning fee to be divided between the five women.

I must admit that I was surprised that nobody offered to pay for my very inexpensive dinner the first night, or bring a bottle of wine. But I smiled and still had fun, as I am fortunate and do like the chance to get away with fun people.

The next day, one guest actually stated that she did not understand why the cleaning fee cost so much (it is high, but within industry standards). She said that she would rather clean on her own.

I told her that the place was perfect when she arrived and I deserved perfection when they left. I pointed out that every surface was gleaming and asked her if she was willing to work hard to get it back to that level. She dropped the subject, but the next day began her complaint process in front of the entire group.

One friend in private also tried to talk about the cleaning fee, and I politely told her that, yes, it seemed expensive, but that this was the price and I did not think it was fair that their "free" stay, which costs me money in heating, water, etc., should mean that I am left with a dirty vacation home.

Please know that I did have a great time with these ladies, but felt a bit taken for granted.

GENTLE READER: As, Miss Manners feels sure, do they.

You invited your friends to your vacation condo with the expectation that they would pay the cleaning fee. Did they know what that fee would be at the time? Is it reasonable to assume that they did not, and that, in fact, given that you yourself said it was expensive, that it might have been on the lower end of staying in a hotel or vacation rental of their own?

And then for the privilege of paying that, you also expected them to pay for your dinner? And if you went to a restaurant, how much of a mess could they have made?

So how exactly was this vacation free for them? Heating and water costs might be exorbitant, but seem to be literally the least you could provide.

But despite what Miss Manners considers to be minimal generosity on your part -- and unmatched outrage -- she still finds herself faulting your friends. They probably incorrectly assumed that a cleaning fee would be nominal and agreed to it without asking what it was. Had the particulars of this contract been made clear, Miss Manners feels certain that they would have graciously bowed out and offered to find another space. Or afforded you the opportunity to counter with the genuine generosity of which you now so strangely and proudly boast.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The situation I am trying to work through involves a business/personal relationship with a salesperson who apparently has some serious health issues. While I know the person and am sympathetic, I have to work for a living and have precious little time to devote to accomplish my personal business.

Every time I attempt to discuss business and request an appointment to view the product, I have to listen to a rambling monologue of how bad the professional is feeling at that moment and all the health issues involved, including what the doctor said.

At one point I truly cared, but now I feel that my time is being monopolized with issues out of my control. While I really don't want to sever the relationship, I must get some things accomplished.

A few days ago, I was told that I am very selfish and inconsiderate because I refused to wait more than 15 minutes (the salesperson was still in bed). I live approximately 100 miles away, and I had a number of things to do that day. I have suggested doing business with someone else, and my "friend" gets so upset when I mention that and tells me how badly she needs the money.

GENTLE READER: Allow Miss Manners to simplify the problem by dividing it in two: your professional relationship with this salesperson and your personal one.

A friend offers both assistance and sympathy to an invalid, while the sick person tempers her complaints based on the closeness of the friendship, the seriousness of the illness, and the likelihood that the friend will remain sympathetic through repeated recitation of symptoms.

A salesperson -- meaning a person in a professional capacity -- does the job in the hope that professional courtesy, efficiency -- and distance -- will be rewarded with repeat business. Consulting the salesperson about whether to shop elsewhere is a mistake. He or she is too sick to make this decision, so it is up to you.

What support you owe outside of any professional relationship, if any, will be based on whether you truly see this person as a "friend" (which is the way you put it) or as a friend.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I sometimes get an invitation that sets my teeth on edge. It goes something like this: "I'm having some people for dinner Saturday night. You're welcome to join us." I always discover I have a previous engagement. It's like being told that if you show up, we won't throw you out. Am I being too thin-skinned here?

GENTLE READER: Perhaps the diagnosis should be about their tin ears rather than your thin skin and edgy teeth. All they have to do is to say that they would love to have you to dinner. How hard is that?

Perhaps they think that the word "welcome" makes you sound like less of an afterthought. Miss Manners is not even sure that they actually already invited others, or that they will treat them any less carelessly.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)