DEAR MISS MANNERS: Almost all of the examples I now see on how to address invitations are totally different from what I was taught in school many years ago. Have the rules changed, or are young people these days making up their own etiquette rules?

I was taught that for a married couple, the correct address would be " Mr. and Mrs. Benjamin Jones" and "Mr. and Mrs. Patrick White," not "Mr. Ben and Mrs. Elizabeth Jones" and "Mr. Patrick and Mrs. Taylor White." I was also taught that the male's name came first on the envelope.

Please set the record straight before too many young brides commit a faux pas and look uneducated.

GENTLE READER: Yes, some rules have legitimately changed, and yes, unauthorized people who make up their own rules are often unintentionally offensive. But come to think of it, the old standard that you cite also sends some people into a tizzy.

Miss Manners wishes everyone would just calm down.

There are couples who use the Mr. and Mrs. form you learned (the only one in which the gentleman's title comes first) and they should be so addressed. But there are others who prefer to be addressed more as individuals for various reasons, some of which are eminently sensible, although society used not to recognize them.

All that takes now is one extra line on the envelope:

Dr. Angelina Breakfront

Mr. Rock Moonley

or:

Mr. Oliver Trenchant

Mr. Liam Lotherington

or:

Ms. Norina Hartfort

Mr. Rufus Hartfort

Is that too much effort to ask?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my niece graduated from high school, we sent a monetary gift and never received any acknowledgment of it. Fast-forward to her bridal shower: My sister and I flew in to attend the show (sic), which included airfare, hotel, car rental and gift. The weekend cost us about $600 each. The shower was in May and there has been no acknowledgment.

Now we have returned from her wedding, same monetary output plus another substantial gift. I have no expectation that we will receive any acknowledgment.

The question becomes whether I let my sister, her mother, know in the hopes she will teach her daughter common courtesy but possibly embarrass and hurt my sister. Or do I just let it go to keep peace in the family?

GENTLE READER: You should have consulted Miss Manners a long time ago. She could have saved you a lot of money. But she is just in time to save you a family fight.

Surely you do not really think that your sister would respond to your message -- however delivered -- by saying, "Oh, yes, I'll get right to that," and that the bride, in return, would say, "Mama, you should have told me this long ago."

At this point, Miss Manners cannot even recommend the delicate inquiry of whether the presents actually arrived.

Rather, let us assume that people who ignore presents find it a burden to receive them. Therefore, the most tactful response would be to stop sending them.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there any way to inquire politely what sort of milk/cream alternatives are available when the hostess asks whether anyone would like coffee? If skim or soy milk is the only alternative, I would rather forgo coffee altogether. I hate to accept a cup of coffee and then not drink it.

GENTLE READER: What alternative are you seeking? Cognac?

A host or hostess should properly ask how you prefer your coffee when it is offered. Should that not happen, Miss Manners will allow the recipient to make a reasonable request, as long as it is succinct. "With a bit of cream, please, if you have it" is acceptable. Ten descriptive qualifiers with made-up Italian words are not.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I truly believe in thank-you notes when you receive a gift. However, I have a problem. How can you be politically correct and polite when writing a thank-you note for a recalled baby gift? I know that I cannot be the only parent who has this problem.

Do I just write a standard thank-you for baby's gift, or let them know that I will be returning the toy and what I plan to replace it with? Or thank them for the lead-infested toy by name?

I do not wish to make the giver feel bad, as it was not their fault.

GENTLE READER: Then maybe do not lead with "lead-infested toy."

Just as you would not mention in your thank-you letter that you subsequently returned a present, Miss Manners sees no need to mention that it was returned on your behalf. If the giver gets wind of the toy's fate and asks about it, you may say, "Yes, we heard, but you were so sweet to think of us. My reaction was that Micah shouldn't be putting that dollhouse in his mouth anyway, but I suppose better safe than sorry."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I invited a couple to a dinner party and requested an RSVP. Despite two follow-up phone calls to determine if they would attend, I got no answer.

As the table had two empty places, I went ahead and invited another couple who responded affirmatively. At less than 24 hours before said party, the first couple finally responded that they would attend.

I replied that unfortunately as I had not heard from them, I assumed they were not coming and invited others. Did I handle this correctly? Should I not have invited the other couple?

GENTLE READER: Evidently, you should not have invited the first couple.

Rather than performing the minimal duty of answering your invitation when it was issued, they allowed you to assume the burden of finding out their intention -- and let you do it twice, without responding.

Miss Manners takes that as a sign that they feel they owe you nothing, and thus are unlikely to trouble themselves to make your party a success, much less to thank you and to reciprocate.

You were prudent to handle the situation as you did. And let us hope that the substitute couple turned out to be more worthy of your hospitality.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Do you have a suitable answer to those who say to me, an older woman, "You must have been attractive when you were young" or, after looking at an earlier photo, "Is that you?"

GENTLE READER: "And you must have been charming."

"I seem to recall that it was."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Some contractors came to my home to do work in my backyard. They were there for just one day.

About halfway through the day, I thought to bring them out some water, as that seemed only decent, especially on a warm day. Is the water enough? Should I have offered the water right away when they arrived? Should I have brought them something else or a bit of light food? I thought of giving them some muffins, but I had made the baked goods several days prior and was afraid they would be stale.

Should contractors who are not working indoors be automatically given leave to use the restrooms of the home? I was at home alone with a young baby, so I admit I was wary about letting strange men inside the house.

My grandfather was a contractor before he retired, and he told us that often such workers are treated poorly or like they don't exist. I want to be better than that, and I should think offering a bit of water is the bare minimum of common courtesy. Please let me know if there is anything else I am missing.

GENTLE READER: While not absolutely denying that there may be rare situations in which a homeowner would be unable to provide onsite bathroom access, Miss Manners nevertheless considers it unkind, if not rude -- as well as highly impractical. She would understand if the resulting lost productivity due to workers having to leave the site and return was included in the bill.

Water on a warm day is an equally basic requirement. However, she is ambivalent about more extensive food service. The contractor and his cohorts are employees. This relieves you of any technical etiquette requirement to provide food as if they were guests. But you may wish to consider whether doing the bare minimum required is a behavior you wish to model for people working on your home.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When you write a sympathy card to someone relating that you were sad to learn that they lost their Mother, is it proper to capitalize Mother? Even though it is not a grammar requirement, I have always thought to do this. We are wondering about this at my work.

GENTLE READER: Given the context, Miss Manners infers that you believe capitalizing increases the deference, importance or respect being accorded to the deceased.

The problem is that she, like the addressee, can only guess at your intention. To be intelligible, conventions must be generally understood. They do change: In an email-driven world, everyone now understands that full capitalization means a raised voice, usually in anger. But if you and your co-workers cannot decide the difference between mother and Mother, it is unlikely that the bereaved will understand.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)