DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am not a drinker; I do not drink beer, wine or any form of alcohol. Yet I do like to socialize with friends, co-workers and family, and they will always order a drink (but, thankfully, not get drunk).

We are not always in a place where I can just order a cup of coffee, and I really don't like soda either, so I am wondering if there is an adult equivalent of ordering a "Shirley Temple," so I can blend in without looking like the one teetotaler in the bunch. Help!

(And just so you know -- no, I have never been a drinker. My non-drinking is not a result of any 12-step program. It is just my choice. So, no lectures from me while others imbibe.)

GENTLE READER: Are you asking Miss Manners for drink recommendations? Or just trying to fend off the "Aw, come on" lectures?

She finds that many can be fooled by water or juice and a well-placed citrus wedge. She also finds that asking for the "virgin" version of better-known cocktails is popular shorthand among bartenders.

But surely there must be more to this socializing than discussing what people do or do not drink. So if the request is overheard by the parties you are trying to fool, you need only say, "That's what I prefer."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a retired widower and am planning a dream European vacation. I offered to pay the way for my married son and my married daughter to go with me since they cannot afford it, and I don't want to go alone.

I have not offered to pay for my son-in-law or daughter-in-law; therefore, they will not be going. I think this is acceptable since it is my money and I can invite whomever I wish.

My friend, however, thinks I should pay for them as well or not invite my son and daughter. I am not wealthy, and I cannot afford to pay for five people.

GENTLE READER: Unfortunately, you lost Miss Manners' sympathy when you stated, "It's my money and I can invite whomever I wish."

Had you posed the same conflict to your children, the same result might have been achieved, but with better diplomacy: "I would love to have everyone on the trip, but unfortunately find myself unable to finance it. Do you think that Hamish and Brenda would want to come, too? And if so, let's see if we can figure out a way" garners more sympathy than, "Tough luck for them; it's my money."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What's the best response when you're wished "Safe travel" or told to "Have a good time"? I presume "Thanks" checks the box, but is there something better?

GENTLE READER: Well, there is "I'll miss you terribly and think of you day and night," but not a lot of occasions to use it. At least not without either overexciting or alarming people who only voiced a simple pleasantry.

Therefore, Miss Manners warns you that there are times when it is safer just to check the "Thanks" box.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the importance of thank-you notes?

GENTLE READER: What is the importance of generosity? What is the importance of kindness?

Miss Manners supposes that in a world in which there were no presents, favors, good deeds or thoughtful words, there would be no need for serious expressions of thanks. She just wouldn't want to live there.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I attend church services nearly every Sunday at a small neighborhood church, where almost all the attendees know each other across many dimensions of life, not just religion/worship.

Because the number of seats is usually less than the number of attendees, people tend to arrive early. Before services begin, there is an active buzz of conversation, about yesterday's ballgame, politics, who is the host for tomorrow's book club meeting ...

I find this inappropriate, as if attendees at a dinner party in someone's home paid the host no attention until the meal was served. My "example" of quietly reading the day's Bible passages has had no effect.

Is mine an old fuddy-duddy attitude? If not, what might be a reasonable approach to changing things?

GENTLE READER: Different faiths -- even different worship groups within the same faith -- practice different etiquette in regard to nonreligious discussions at church, synagogue or mosque. There are, however, common threads.

Nearly all religions treat the place of worship as a holy site, literally the divine home. But services are also generally a communal activity -- joint worship is a means to cement societal bonds. So Miss Manners cannot join you in condemning ordinary sociability, which most congregations see as strengthening their community.

The comparison to a dinner party, though lighthearted, is therefore on point in many respects. While nonreligious conversation is acceptable, participants should be respectful of the host and mindful of the location. This means some topics are more acceptable than others, and jokes about the religious fervor of one's devotion to the local sports team should be off-limits.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am attending the (first) wedding of an old friend. The couple is registered at traditional sites.

I'd like to do something less boring than cutlery or towels. These guys are in their 40s and have a reasonable household established. It's OK for me to choose my own gift, right?

GENTLE READER: What a radical idea -- that you, as a friend, would put some thought into giving them something that might please them!

Does anyone but Miss Manners remember that that is not only the real tradition, but also the entire justification for the custom of exchanging presents?

By all means, do so. Let us hope that your friends and others will appreciate this and take it up as a novelty among those who otherwise merely exchange shopping lists.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Why would a lady -- or a gentleman, for that matter -- be obliged to answer any personal question?

GENTLE READER: They are not obliged. So the real question is why they feel obliged to answer. Miss Manners supposes it is because they need a polite alternative response, which is, "Oh, I'm afraid that's a personal matter."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I know that one is not supposed to point out lapses in polite behavior to others. But how can one hope to change questionable behavior in others without breaking this rule?

My significant other and I often go to happy hours instead of dining more formally. This practice takes us to bars. When we approach the bar, my partner seats himself comfortably and waits for me to squeeze in beside him, regardless of the number of occupied stools.

Is he breaking any rules? I feel that he is, but I do not point this out to him due to rule one, not pointing out lapses in others. Can you help me?

GENTLE READER: It's called "Honey, would you mind ...?"

It is true that Miss Manners is rules-crazy, because she doesn't want people making up their own etiquette, which, oddly enough, always turns out to favor them at the expense of others. As you know, she wants that particular rule obeyed.

But if your Other is as Significant as you say, surely he would want to please you. And if couples were not allowed an occasional plea of "Honey, I know you don't mean it, but there's something that drives me crazy," the divorce rate would be approximately 100 percent.

Notice that this phrasing does not tax the other person with the rudeness of breaking a rule. It merely states a personal request. If you do this as you are headed to the bar -- "This time, would you mind letting me get seated first? It's awkward trying to slip in beside you" -- you should be able to accomplish your objective even more gently.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I know someone who is in the late stages of a terminal illness. This person received one of those colorful, lovely animated email greeting cards from a close family member. The e-card wished the "Best New Year for 2017."

The recipient was shocked that someone would send such a thing. Even if it was the result of a thoughtless failure to edit a mass mailing list, it seems a horrible breach of manners. The recipient was very hurt and said so.

GENTLE READER: In this situation, there is no time left for such misunderstandings, Miss Manners would think. Perhaps the card sender thought of this as wishing for the best possible year under the circumstances.

But no matter. Please tell that person about the patient's reaction, which you might gently characterize as a misinterpretation, so that amends can be made.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it acceptable to wear a white tie and waistcoat with a conventional tuxedo? Or must they only be worn with a tailcoat?

GENTLE READER: A fundamental misunderstanding about gentlemen's evening clothes, for which Miss Manners blames movie stars, is that they should display the creativity of the wearer.

Wrong. That's for ladies. Gentlemen should rather be noted for their correctness and tailoring. And the correct tie and optional waistcoat that go with the tuxedo are black, which is why it is properly called "black tie"; while for "white tie," which features the tailcoat, the tie and waistcoat are white.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)