DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was invited to a formal engagement party where the young man being honored is still legally married to his first wife. I am uncomfortable with this, but have been told I'm being silly. What are your thoughts?

GENTLE READER: That the young man will be even more uncomfortable than yourself if he is equally careless about scheduling his second wedding.

Miss Manners recalls that Hamlet was scandalized by the hasty remarriage of his mother to his uncle. But at least Queen Gertrude's first husband was dead, even if his ghost was haunting the palace after bedtime.

The law requires second marriages to follow the dissolution of the first marriages. Etiquette agrees that any associated festivities should do so as well.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The new boss in the finance department where I and several others work will only acknowledge her staff who are in middle management.

Several times she has said "Good morning" or "Good night" to these middle managers while I have been standing right next to them. On a personal level I find this hurtful and rude.

Is this acceptable behavior in the workplace? Even the president of the company says good morning to me.

GENTLE READER: Snubbing a co-worker is rude. Snubbing a subordinate is worse, because of the inequality in the relationship.

But it is also poor management. Miss Manners applauds the president, at least, for being polite, whether he is genuinely interested in the happiness of his employees -- or merely realizes that being polite is a cheaper way to boost morale than giving out raises.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Due to various health conditions, medications and surgeries, I have fought a lifelong battle with weight gain, especially in the abdominal area. A few days ago, I got onto the elevator at work, followed by two women. One of them gave me the once-over and inquired when my baby was due.

I replied, "Not pregnant; just fat" and exited the elevator. Before the doors closed, I heard the other woman say, "How rude!"

I take exception to this. In my opinion the person who made an incorrect assumption and voiced it to a stranger was more rude than the one who corrected that assumption with a true statement.

What do you think? And if I was rude, what should the answer to that question have been?

GENTLE READER: While etiquette does not generally interest itself in motives, Miss Manners cannot answer without delving into yours and your questioner's.

The other woman was, without a doubt, presumptuous. It is rude to assess other people's stomachs. But was it meant to be insulting?

Your description of your response suggests that you wished to do more than set the record straight -- you wished to challenge her for her rudeness.

Well, then. Miss Manners understands your impatience. But she can think of more polite -- as well as more effective -- ways to do so. If you felt up to the acting challenge, an admission, with quivering lip, that you have struggled with weight gain all your life, followed by as hasty an exit as the elevator allowed would have left the offender feeling ashamed, rather than self-righteous.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: 'Tis the season, and my boyfriend and I have just moved in together. I have three children and he has two, which he has 50 percent of the time. Their home is with their own mother.

Now it's time for my family Christmas card. I need to know if it's bad manners to make a family Christmas card with the five children and/or with myself and my boyfriend.

Please help me because I don't know what I should do. We are not engaged; we have been together three years, and only for the past two months have we shared a home. I feel my own children, ages 11, 8, 6, wouldn't like this sharing of cards. His children are 8 and 6. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: Is that more important than what your children think?

And they are not the only people whom Miss Manners suspects that you might annoy. Possibly the other children, and perhaps their mother, by your representing this as their primary family.

And that is not to count many of the recipients of your card, who will be asking one another, "Who are all these people?" Yours being a new household, there are apt to be some on your Christmas card list who do not know about the arrangement.

If you want to take the occasion to tell them pictorially, please limit that to you and your new partner. The children may be included by your writing a brief note about how pleased you are to have them all.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We like to entertain at home, generally small, casual gatherings. Following the event, my husband will often share with others the names of our most recent dinner guests.

I believe this is something that should not be shared, especially by name, as it either sounds like bragging ("We had the mayor over for dinner on Friday") or could lead to hurt feelings ("Why didn't you invite us too?"). Am I being too private and/or sensitive?

GENTLE READER: What with postings of party reports and pictures on social media, the rule against telling people about social events to which they are not invited is in shreds. Miss Manners does not see why your husband should add to that, for the very reasons that you cite. Nor can she think of a benign reason for doing so.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I just received a Christmas card and wedding "save the date" card from someone I don't know. Yet they had our names and address.

So as people do in this day and age, I searched the last name on Facebook, and found that it is the son of my cousin's daughter who is getting married. Heck, I have only seen this cousin maybe five times in my life (and I am 55), have never even met her kids, so of course not her kids' kids.

Are we obligated to send a wedding gift? (We won't be attending.) I was shocked to receive an invite and Xmas card from a total stranger, not to mention to be invited to a wedding of her son.

GENTLE READER: Perhaps lulled by the spirit of the season, Miss Manners would like to declare Benefit of the Doubt Day. Perhaps your relatives merely thought this would be an occasion to become acquainted.

At any rate, a wedding invitation is neither a subpoena nor a bill. As you have not yet been invited, you owe nothing. However, a return Christmas card extending congratulations would be gracious.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a social media account I rarely use. Lately I have been told that I was invited via social media to graduation parties and an open house.

I feel that if the occasion did not warrant a paper invitation, it does not warrant my response, attendance or cash. Am I too old-fashioned? And frankly, I did not actually see two of the three invitations in time.

GENTLE READER: Well, then how could you have possibly answered?

Miss Manners agrees that an invitation that is more likely to warrant "likes" than actual responses is not an invitation that you need to take seriously. If the hosts cannot be bothered to narrow down their list, then they should not be insulted when guests do not respond, much less bring gifts or attend.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it rude or inconsiderate to purchase a gift for someone that you can also enjoy, for example, a spa day or a manicure for two? I would love to purchase this for my sister, but I'm afraid it will come off as a gift for me, too.

GENTLE READER: Well, it is, but it is also a gift of your company which, depending on the current state of your relationship, your sister will either see as endearing or as a burden. As you are the one paying for it, you can hardly be faulted for wanting to enjoy both the rewards of the gift and the benefits of being with her. Miss Manners hopes that you will -- at least outwardly -- express more enthusiasm for the latter.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I were invited to dinner. When we asked what we could bring, the wife said "dessert." That's fine; I'm a good cook and like to make desserts. Then her husband got on the line and asked us to pick up a pineapple cheesecake from a specific store.

I was really put off. I hate pineapple in desserts, and I find it insulting that he was telling us to go buy something. Now I don't even want to go -- he'll probably express disappointment at anything I make, and I feel under pressure to fix something amazing.

Should I just pick up his stupid cheesecake or what? To be honest, I'm tempted to fix him something with a load of jalapenos in it.

GENTLE READER: Wouldn't this all have been avoidable if only you hadn't asked?

Miss Manners understands that this question of what to bring to a dinner party is now considered obligatory. In fact, it is not. If only she could get the world to understand that an invitation to dine does not -- and should not -- require an immediate demand of what is needed.

Presumably the host should have already thought of that and prepared it. That is what hosting means. A token present (flowers, chocolates) at the time of the party is nice, but a letter of thanks and reciprocal invitation are the only things truly expected -- and usually welcomed -- in return.

However, if you are going to ask what to bring, you cannot then be insulted by the response. What (from your point of view) started as merely a polite offer has suddenly turned into a scheme to light people's mouths on fire. Mostly innocent people, Miss Manners might add. Better never to have asked. But you did, so bring the cheesecake.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)