DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a social media account I rarely use. Lately I have been told that I was invited via social media to graduation parties and an open house.

I feel that if the occasion did not warrant a paper invitation, it does not warrant my response, attendance or cash. Am I too old-fashioned? And frankly, I did not actually see two of the three invitations in time.

GENTLE READER: Well, then how could you have possibly answered?

Miss Manners agrees that an invitation that is more likely to warrant "likes" than actual responses is not an invitation that you need to take seriously. If the hosts cannot be bothered to narrow down their list, then they should not be insulted when guests do not respond, much less bring gifts or attend.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it rude or inconsiderate to purchase a gift for someone that you can also enjoy, for example, a spa day or a manicure for two? I would love to purchase this for my sister, but I'm afraid it will come off as a gift for me, too.

GENTLE READER: Well, it is, but it is also a gift of your company which, depending on the current state of your relationship, your sister will either see as endearing or as a burden. As you are the one paying for it, you can hardly be faulted for wanting to enjoy both the rewards of the gift and the benefits of being with her. Miss Manners hopes that you will -- at least outwardly -- express more enthusiasm for the latter.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I were invited to dinner. When we asked what we could bring, the wife said "dessert." That's fine; I'm a good cook and like to make desserts. Then her husband got on the line and asked us to pick up a pineapple cheesecake from a specific store.

I was really put off. I hate pineapple in desserts, and I find it insulting that he was telling us to go buy something. Now I don't even want to go -- he'll probably express disappointment at anything I make, and I feel under pressure to fix something amazing.

Should I just pick up his stupid cheesecake or what? To be honest, I'm tempted to fix him something with a load of jalapenos in it.

GENTLE READER: Wouldn't this all have been avoidable if only you hadn't asked?

Miss Manners understands that this question of what to bring to a dinner party is now considered obligatory. In fact, it is not. If only she could get the world to understand that an invitation to dine does not -- and should not -- require an immediate demand of what is needed.

Presumably the host should have already thought of that and prepared it. That is what hosting means. A token present (flowers, chocolates) at the time of the party is nice, but a letter of thanks and reciprocal invitation are the only things truly expected -- and usually welcomed -- in return.

However, if you are going to ask what to bring, you cannot then be insulted by the response. What (from your point of view) started as merely a polite offer has suddenly turned into a scheme to light people's mouths on fire. Mostly innocent people, Miss Manners might add. Better never to have asked. But you did, so bring the cheesecake.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it proper to renew vows after one year?

GENTLE READER: Were they running out?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At my husband's memorial service, the funeral home staff seated myself (the widow), our young children (2.5 and 7 years of age), my parents and my best friend (who was there to take the youngest child, if there were any issues) in the first pew. The pew was full.

My friend and the toddler had to leave three-fourths of the way through the service, due to a full diaper and a tantrum. It was a pretty stressful day for all of us.

My deceased husband's mother and two siblings, as well as some uncles and aunts (siblings of the mother), were seated in the second pew.

After the memorial service, my former mother-in-law took me to task on the seating arrangements, saying HER family should have sat in the first pew. She was extremely angry and vocal, complaining that that I "got all the attention." I was shocked and confused, mumbled something about not arranging the seating, and left.

Can you please give me your opinion on my former mother-in-law's behavior?

P.S. I was happily married to my husband for 21 years and still miss him.

GENTLE READER: Many people would make the excuse that bereavement is "stressful" -- and that bad behavior, such as your mother-in-law's, must therefore be overlooked. Miss Manners recognizes the former without being convinced of the latter.

While it might have been reasonable to seat your husband's mother ahead of your parents, this is no longer relevant. Fighting over recognition at the funeral of a loved one is loathsome.

Your evasive response was sensible. Perhaps your mother-in-law will recognize her rudeness and apologize, but if she does not, you may find that a polite aloofness will be unfortunately necessary between people who ought to be able to be of comfort to each other.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a young child, I was given a trinket by a lady who knew my mother. I hung onto it, and several decades later discovered that it was actually a collectible worth several thousand dollars. I have discovered that the woman is alive. Is it proper to offer to return the gift, and if so, how would I phrase it tactfully?

GENTLE READER: Returning a gift is generally an insult and therefore best done only if that is your intention. In the situation you describe, it is both unnecessary and, because of the possibility of misunderstanding, unwise.

Although the trinket turned out not to be a trinket, Miss Manners believes that the value of a gift is measured by its meaningfulness to the recipient -- and therefore notes that its value was always high.

It would be charming to write a second thank-you note mentioning how much the item means to you even after all these years -- if you can promise Miss Manners that you will not mention the current bidding at online auction sites.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I wish I had a round table!

My husband has decided that, although such distinctions are "irrelevant and silly rules that nobody cares about," we should seat our most senior or honored guests at the head and foot of our table and always take seats along the side of the table ourselves (unless we have just one female guest, for example, meaning my husband would remain at the head).

I maintain that as long as we're going to observe rules, the position of honor is to the right of the hostess (for a male guest) and to the right of the host (for a female guest), and that we should remain at the head and foot of the table (not least because the foot of the table is closest to the kitchen door, in my case).

He tells me that I am being shallow and should be generous and confident enough to cede the hostess's position at the foot of the table.

GENTLE READER: As well as the hostess duties that take you into the kitchen?

But Miss Manners does not wish to argue this on practical grounds, when it is a matter of tradition rooted in history. That must be what your husband means by "irrelevant and silly rules that nobody cares about" -- except him, apparently.

With the polite modern notion of yielding to guests, it is indeed odd that hosts occupy the dominant positions at dinner. But such has been the case since the medieval "high table," where hosts presided over their guests, in descending order of rank. And that is what people now expect. You could adopt a variation, sitting opposite your husband in the middle of the table, but you would probably confuse those in the ordinary host positions about what is expected of them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We are a middle-class retired couple with one son, married to a girl we love who is expecting their first child. Their wedding was more extravagant than anyone in our family had ever seen, and although we were not asked to help pay for it, we wrote them a substantial check as a gift.

Now to the baby shower, which daughter-in-law's mother and I are hosting. Once again it will be very extravagant, and I pray I can escape with no more than a $5,000 check for my half of the expense.

Let me just say that her family has several sons who are physicians. Her parents have no fear of becoming destitute; hence, they spend lavishly. As I said, we have one son and don't want to become a burden to him in our old age; hence, we are frugal (aka cheap). While biting my tongue bloody at the cost of the shower, I also know I'm expected to bring an expensive gift. What to buy?

GENTLE READER: A $10,000 baby shower?

You could have an extremely nice vacation for your share, and be back in time for the birth of the baby. And you would be correct, because relatives are not supposed to be the hosts of showers.

Still, this excuse might not go over with your son and daughter-in-law. To them, you owe the explanation that such doings are way beyond your means, and -- without mentioning the comparative riches of the in-laws -- you could only be a guest. In that case, you would bring a present, but one that is in keeping with your spending habits, not with the extravagant expectations of others.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)