DEAR MISS MANNERS: Last year, my boyfriend and I attended the wedding of a colleague. At the reception, the bride and groom got into an argument that turned into a brawl. They left the reception separately, and later in the week filed for divorce. They have not reconciled.

Since then, colleagues at work have occasionally asked each other if their wedding gifts were returned. None have been.

When I've been asked, I really didn't know what to say. I think the circumstances are very unfortunate, but I really haven't thought about whether our gift should be returned. I've never been in this situation before. But I have NO intentions of making this an issue with my colleague, who provided a beautiful wedding and didn't expect the unhappy ending.

GENTLE READER: Wait -- what was the argument about?

Of course, it's none of Miss Manners' business, but you can hardly blame her for wondering what got the couple so quickly from vowing to brawling.

Oh, yes, the etiquette question, even though that seems rather tame now.

The technical rule is that presents should be returned if the marriage does not take place. Whether the ceremony itself is enough or the bond should last through the reception could be debated. Miss Manners admires your wisdom in letting it go.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I feel that most rules for etiquette are lost on me.

At times when I answer a question honestly, it comes off as rude or too blunt. For example, when someone asks if I think their outfit looks good on them. I'll say no and explain why I think so.

When I received birthday gifts from co-workers at a small celebration in our office, my boss told me I should write thank-you notes to everyone. I had never heard of a thank-you note before that.

What is the best way to start learning better etiquette?

GENTLE READER: You might study the rules, and you have a great deal of catching up to do. There are a lot of them, and many are very specific. People who have been taught from childhood to dash off letters of thanks have easier lives than those to whom the idea is new.

But Miss Manners strongly suggests that you begin your retraining by learning the underlying principle of manners: that other people have feelings that must be taken into account. You may not always yield to them, but if you do not understand what they are, you are going to keep antagonizing others unintentionally. And that makes for an unpleasant life.

Developing empathy will enable you to figure out why, for example, someone asks how an outfit looks. Perhaps it is an outfit that person is considering buying, or just wearing, and there is time to make another choice. In that case, your actual opinion is probably being solicited.

But more often, the question is actually a plea for reassurance, not a request for aesthetic judgment. And unless there is something that is seriously wrong and correctable, "You look fine" is a tactful and, as meant generally, honest answer.

If you have ever given a present or done a favor, it should not be hard to imagine that acknowledgment of generosity is appreciated.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How does one correctly respond to the greeting "Howdy"? Is it to reply "Howdy" back, as in responding to "How do you do?"

GENTLE READER: The origin of the word "Howdy" (with alternate spellings, such as "howedye" or "how d'ee") dates from the 16th century in southern England. As Miss Manners recalls, it was used, as American Southerners do now, to morph the greeting, "How do you do?" into a colloquial contraction.

So yes, "Howdy" requires only a reciprocal "Howdy" -- and perhaps a mirroring of its enthusiasm depending on how deep in the South one finds oneself.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While many people choose to eat gluten-free for health reasons, I must eat gluten-free to avoid health issues. While celiac disease affects about one out of every 100, most people do not know how widespread gluten is in a lot of foods.

When we are invited for dinner at friends' homes, my wife or I generally tell the host of our dietary restrictions. However, preparing a gluten-free meal is more difficult than one might imagine. Let's say the host serves steak that was marinated in soy sauce, a salad that has croutons in it and a vegetable that was prepared using flour.

The host was diligently trying to prepare a gluten-free meal, but didn't know it was in soy sauce. She thought the croutons could be pushed aside, not realizing that one crumb can cause diarrhea.

How does one handle this awkward situation? I really don't mind leaving the party hungry, but the embarrassment toward the host can be extremely awkward.

GENTLE READER: Your host should not be paying attention to what you are eating.

If you are making reasonable attempts to eat what is served and graciously don't mind being underfed, then Miss Manners assures you that you are doing all that you can. If pressed, you may say, "I hate to be an annoyance, but you cannot imagine in what foods they hide gluten. Really, I am fine. I had a big meal earlier."

You need not explain what time -- or day -- defines "earlier."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When answering the phone, what is the proper etiquette when unsure of the gender on the other line? Are you to take a guess, or not use the traditional "sir" or "ma'am"?

Also, what do you do when one insults you by calling you the wrong gender on the phone -- either the caller or the recipient?

GENTLE READER: Names are so useful. But if you are unsure of the honorific, try both. As in, "Is Mr. or Ms. Homebody available?" -- and the recipient can choose.

But presumably you are calling a particular person --and if you aren't, Miss Manners wonders if you should be making that call.

If someone mistakes your gender, please ignore it and try not to consider it an insult. If it still bothers you, you can say: "Oh, I'm afraid you've reached the ma'am of the house. If you are looking for the sir, I can leave a message."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If you send an email to a business or company asking which department or individual handles a specific matter, is it polite to send the person who answered your email a thank-you for the information?

I know it's polite to thank someone in person who points you in the right direction to have your questions or concerns taken care of, but what about email? I don't want to clutter up someone's business email inbox, but is it rude not to thank them for the information they provided?

GENTLE READER: Although email etiquette is evolving, Miss Manners still believes that a service rendered deserves a thank-you.

She realizes that saying so will clutter her own email inbox with truculent explanations that everyone's email load is already burdensome; that if every transaction required a thank-you, the internet would be overwhelmed by the increased traffic; and that as a thank-you contains no new information, it is a waste of resources.

Yet she believes that a society that treasures endless social media posting, mass forwarding of jokes, countless customer satisfaction surveys, and other correspondence of questionable value, has no basis for objecting to a two-word email expressing gratitude and satisfaction. Not every transaction requires a thank-you in email, any more than it does in person. But it is perfectly correct in the situation you describe. Unappreciated thank-yous can be deleted in an instant.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother corrects my grammar at home, but also tells me it is impolite to correct other people's grammar in conversation. Should I point out this discrepancy in instruction to my mother?

GENTLE READER: You would be asking for another correction, Miss Manners warns you.

Correcting a child at home is called child rearing. Correcting others is rude.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What are we to do with a boorish dining companion, part of a group that dines out regularly? When seated with her (which sometimes cannot be avoided), we watch her treat the wait staff poorly, making rude faces and demands.

She expects nothing short of perfection wherever she is, including at pizza joints. She is quick to criticize the smallest infractions, like a waiter putting a soup spoon in the wrong place on the table.

We like the wait staff, try to be appreciative, and have no idea whether we should confront our colleague about her behavior.

GENTLE READER: Your boorish dining companion clearly does not expect perfection when it comes to good manners. Putting the soup spoon in the wrong place, whether in a Michelin-star restaurant or a pizza joint, is nothing compared to the rudeness of pointing out another's mistake.

Other than ostracizing the offending member, Miss Manners counsels you to make it clear that you do not condone your companion's behavior, but without yourself being rude. Studiously studying your shoes or your plate, being yourself exceptionally gracious to the wait staff, and perhaps also tipping well are all proven ways to distance yourself from your companion's rudeness.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)