DEAR MISS MANNERS: Ever since childhood, I've loved acting and I can't imagine living without theater. I used to constantly get lead roles at a children's theater, but now that I've outgrown it and started auditioning at community theaters, my confidence in acting has been less stable.

I'm getting ensemble roles, and sometimes not getting in shows at all. I know I have some talent because I've gotten occasional callbacks and compliments, but I never seem to be close to the top anymore. And I know that most of the reasons for not being cast should not be taken personally. Yet none of this makes me feel better.

While I still have fun, when the show ends and the cast goes to greet the audience, my self-esteem always drops when I see the audience members ignoring me and the other ensemble members on their way to congratulating lead actors.

Sometimes when I feel rejected, I'll try something else that might make me stand out. Since I love writing, I try to write stories, but I either don't finish them or realize that publication is often even more difficult than landing a lead on stage. Deep down, I know that nothing can replace theater.

I know that wanting to feel "special" and "stand out" makes me sound shallow. That's not my intention. I don't want to be famous or star on Broadway. I don't want to be recognized everywhere, but after a performance, I wish somebody would see me as an individual.

In the least shallow way possible, I want to have SOMETHING to remind me that there's a reason I was granted some talent and that someone other than myself will verbally recognize it.

GENTLE READER: Be happy that you are only being ignored. Many actors get treated far worse -- picked apart and criticized -- a more crippling blow to one's self-esteem than not being noticed.

If you seek consistent approval in the theater and your confidence is dependent on it, then you might have picked the wrong career. Tenacity in the arts is more powerful than talent, Miss Manners has observed. And she has witnessed many a talented actor give up in frustration, while less accomplished ones succeed, merely because they stuck it out.

If you truly love theater and are not in it (purely) for the recognition, then you must accept being an ensemble member as the opportunity that it is. Working your way up in the ranks and not getting recognized for it is a necessary stage of life -- and is certainly not limited to the theater.

If you want to succeed, then you must harden yourself -- not only to the lack of constant accolades, but to worse: the constant critiques. (Miss Manners had a talented acquaintance who was told as a teenager by a casting director that she had a face like a chocolate chip cookie. She ignored the insult and went on to an extremely successful and lucrative career in voiceover work.)

You stated that you enjoy writing -- another field that requires perseverance and tenacity. So write yourself a lead part. Many a current star has done so -- and even if it never gets produced, it will afford you an opportunity in a field that you could wait forever for someone else to grant.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When we are traveling and visit with friends or relatives, we always go out for dinner one night. We always pay as part of our thanks for staying at their house. When they come to visit us and we do dinner out one evening, we again pay, as we feel they are our guests.

No one even offers to pay either way. Seems we are always footing the bill for dinner. Who should pay and when? How do we get out of it?

GENTLE READER: The host always pays, but the question is, who is the host? Is the dinner out an extension of the invitation to stay over, or is it a way of thanking the house host and giving him/her a night off?

Miss Manners recommends not stepping outside until you know the answer.

Dessert, as you have discovered, is far too late. If you are issuing the invitation, you are the host. If your house guest suggests a night out, you can say that is so kind, and that they really do not need to take you out -- you can eat at home.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a registered nurse and work in an ER setting. Very often a patient will ask polite questions about me that can be difficult to answer. You see, I am lesbian.

If a patient asks if I am married or about my husband in a nice way, I am at a loss. If I "come out" to a stranger, the results can be unpredictably uncomfortable.

Sometimes the patient becomes indignant and wants another nurse, which is very hard to arrange. A patient might feel that I would not take good care of them if they express distaste about my being gay. How can I politely deflect these questions?

GENTLE READER: "Now, now, we're not here to talk about me. We're here to take care of you."

Miss Manners notes that you are in a rare position where nosy questions are not only condoned, but required. But they must be from you to your patient, and about whatever prompted that visit to the hospital.

Deflecting personal chatter in the interest of solving the immediate problem is a skill that all professional people need, regardless of the nature of their private lives, but it should be particularly observed in an emergency room.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister-in-law is throwing a baby shower for my daughter. Invitations were sent to several of my co-workers with a request for an RSVP and a deadline.

My co-workers haven't responded, and I am being asked to find out if they will be attending. Although not answering the RSVP is a faux pas, is being asked to find out who is coming rude?

GENTLE READER: So long as your sister-in-law is asking you for help because you know your co-workers and see them regularly, she is not being rude. Miss Manners does, however, require that she not make explicit the fact that you are being asked to make up for a manners deficiency on the part of your invitees.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Prior to a weekend at a friend's vacation home with several other guests, our hostess sent word that we should plan on some time in the hot tub.

When the time came to jump in, I politely declined and said that I would sit nearby and enjoy their company from outside the hot tub.

My hostess would not leave me alone. She badgered me to join in. For other hostesses who won't take no for an answer, I want to share some reasons people do not want to get in the hot tub.

(1) I am currently in the middle of a herpes episode and don't want to expose everyone else.

(2) I recently had surgery and have a drainage tube in my stomach.

(3) I am a bit of a germaphobe and don't want to sit in a swirling tepid pool of your sweat and shedding dead skin.

(4) I am incontinent and have to wear a diaper.

Hopefully, a future host or hostess will read this and will understand that when a guest says, "No thanks," the proper reply is, "I understand; however, if you change your mind we would love to have you join us."

GENTLE READER: Just a minute, please, while Miss Manners collects herself. She has much too vivid a picture of the other guests frantically splashing their way out of the tub as you recite this list.

Not that you would do so, of course. But it is a powerful argument against the faux hospitality -- actually rudeness -- of badgering one's guests.

However, you are not blameless here. The hostess told you in advance that a sojourn in the hot tub was part of her plan. That is the moment in which you should have said, "Would it be all right if I sat that out?"

Had she begun haranguing you then, you could have said, "I don't want to spoil the weekend, so perhaps we had better get together another time."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Today's etiquette is changing. If I remember correctly, in "the olden days" ladies were not expected to remove their hats during the presentation of our flag and/or the singing of our national anthem.

Although I am a "modern woman," the old ways remain a part of my life (e.g., I anticipate a gentleman will open the door for me). As a consequence, I did not remove my ball cap for the singing of "The Star-Spangled Banner" at a recent baseball game.

I was criticized for my disrespect. I do not disrespect the flag or my country. I told the others I would inquire about the current standard.

GENTLE READER: In those olden days, as Miss Manners recalls, ladies did not wear baseball caps.

If you had been wearing a large confection decorated with flowers and birds, you might have invoked that rule -- only to fall afoul of the one against blocking the view of those behind you. A unisex hat should be removed.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)