DEAR MISS MANNERS: At long last -- I disagree with you! Ha!

It is about your contention that the audience's response after a professional show is not intended to thank the performers, but to show how they feel about the performance -- positive, neutral or even negative.

I am myself a stage artist and know life from both sides of the footlights. If the art presented has been pursued with any sort of seriousness, audience members are witnessing many hundreds of hours of good, honest effort brought to this moment of truth, with all it costs in so publicly exposing one's greatest strivings.

This must be respected. It is never OK to boo, it is never OK to "critique" the performance to the artist's face right afterward.

Hate the show? Just leave. Think it could have been better? Wait until the next day, when the artist has rested and you have slept on your own perceptions, and then write a note to them, or seek them out for a cup of coffee.

Praise what was good -- and there is always something! -- before vouchsafing your thoughts on "what could have been better." The occasion of artists bringing the most precious thing they have to offer is NEVER the occasion to engage in cheap, self-congratulatory criticism. It is certainly not the place to engage in aesthetic pillow fights with one's fellow audience members.

GENTLE READER: Does an aesthetic pillow fight require matching pillows?

While Miss Manners does not applaud cheap or self-congratulatory behavior of any kind, she is perplexed by your logic. The refrigerator that you bought online also represents hundreds of hours of good, honest effort. When it breaks in the first month after installation, do you seek out a customer service representative for a cup of coffee, praising the fact that the refrigerator light continued to work so that you were able to see how much of your food had been ruined?

That the professional performer is uniquely "exposed" strikes Miss Manners as neither true nor flattering. The actor can blame the director, the CEO can blame subcontractors or the government, and the politician can blame the media -- admittedly none with much success. But the actor who argues that his performances are merely a public airing of his own painful secrets denies the craft, hard work, professionalism and experience.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son is 12, and my husband and I have taught him to hold open doors for females, the elderly, women with children, etc. However, a majority of the time he has been told, in no uncertain terms, to go away.

As a parent, how should I explain this behavior to him? He doesn't expect anything -- I just want him to be a gentleman.

GENTLE READER: Unpleasant as such situations are, Miss Manners points out that they provide an excellent opportunity to teach your son a second lesson -- one that will, unfortunately, be just as useful as the original. This is the rule that a gentleman does not return rudeness with further rudeness.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife, 3-year-old, 19-month-old and myself were invited to a Mother's Day barbecue by my brother and sister-in-law. After the meal, my wife and I were asked to contribute $45 for the food.

Additionally, this was asked of my parents and grandmother. We didn't know this in advance, and we mentioned we never charged them for a gathering at our house (such as New Year's Eve). My parents figured this was the cost of a restaurant and didn't argue.

My wife and I are so insulted that we are debating not inviting them to our son's fourth birthday in three weeks. Now my parents have threatened that if we do not invite them, my parents will not attend either.

GENTLE READER: Whenever Miss Manners has mentioned the annual letters she gets from those whose relatives have charged them for Thanksgiving dinner, she is met with disbelief. And indeed, it is hard for decent people to imagine such a thing.

But, as you have experienced, there really are indecent people who make a mockery of family relations, and of the ancient and honorable virtue of hospitality. Miss Manners commiserates with you on being related to such people. And she suspects that your parents consider it not so much the price of a restaurant as the price of keeping up relations with your brother and sister-in-law.

She urges you not to retaliate. Charging them would, of course, be lowering yourself to condone this travesty, and excluding them would further trouble your parents. It will not be easy to say nothing, and to offer a demonstration of true family feeling and hospitality, but she believes that this is the only hope of making that point.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: After Mother's Day, my sister called me, very upset. She went on to tell me how she was offended that neither our mother nor I had purchased a Mother's Day gift for her. This is her second Mother's Day with her son, and this was not addressed last year.

I kindly informed her that she, in fact, was not my mother, and that I had purchased Mother's Day gifts for our mother, grandmother and my godmother, and I did not feel it necessary for me to purchase a gift for her.

My sister went on for days about the fact that our mother "didn't even send me a gift card!" for her on Mother's Day. My mother eventually felt so bad about how she went on and on and mailed her an apology card. My sister was upset this card contained no gift.

What is the proper etiquette for Mother's Day gift giving?

GENTLE READER: Not that it is an opportunity for anyone who has given birth to spread around demands and guilt. As even your mother's concession was met with derision, Miss Manners advises leaving the argument at the reasonable explanation you already made to your sister. And eventually doing whatever you can to offset the example of greed and entitlement that will doubtless be passed on to your poor nephew.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A stranger, who is a friend of a co-worker of my husband's (someone from a well-to-do family who is getting married), called to invite me to be an honorary hostess for the couple's engagement party.

The caller told me that as an honorary hostess, I was to pay a certain dollar amount to help with expenses and to be a greeter to the friends and family. And of course bring a gift in celebration.

I said I would call back. I spoke with my husband about this request and asked what to do.

Although I had lost my job, we decided to go along with the request because of workplace politics, and, being in a small town, social politics.

Is there a pleasant way to back out of such a request without hurting my husband's reputation? Or our social reputation?

GENTLE READER: An "honorary hostess"? As in, we'll give you a title and hope that you don't notice we are just saddling you with the bill?

Miss Manners is constantly amazed at the extortionist inventions people come up with in the much-maligned name of hospitality.

You can, however, still back out by saying: "You know, I am so honored that you asked, but I just don't feel as if I know the couple well enough to help host their party. Perhaps after we do get to know them better, my husband and I could discuss with them another type of celebration that might be pleasing to all of us." Perhaps by their fifth anniversary, they will have stricken your name from the target list.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I've been married to my husband for four years. Not only do I have a strong relationship with my in-laws, but they get along very well with my lesbian mother, her wife and their child.

It came as a great shock last week when my mother-in-law mentioned her strong belief that LGBT folks are "abnormal" and that gay couples shouldn't have children. She has never said anything homophobic before, but I am very upset.

She apologized by saying that she didn't intend to hurt my feelings, but now I'm concerned about family gatherings where both my in-laws and my moms and sister will be present. Should I tell my moms what my mother-in-law said? Should I avoid inviting them to the same events? Or should I just pretend it didn't happen?

GENTLE READER: Surely your husband is the one to point out to his mother that if LGBT people shouldn't have children, he might not have his wife, who considers them her parents even if there was a previous union involved; nor would she have her sibling. This should smoke out whether she intended to insult you or was merely expressing horrid general bigotry.

Of course the "But I didn't mean you, dear" defense is unacceptable. But it could open a discussion that might lead to enlightenment, apologies and remorse. Miss Manners suggests that this could be hastened along by your husband saying that you both no longer feel right about subjecting your family to her prejudices, and will miss her at future family events.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)