DEAR MISS MANNERS: When it comes to my family members, if I have a question or find something interesting, I'll send an email at that moment, so I don't forget about it later.

Sometimes it's at 11 at night when I know they'll be asleep; sometimes it's at 7 in the morning when I know they'll be getting ready for their day and don't have time. I don't expect them to read it right away, anyway. The messages are never urgent, and if there is ever an emergency, I just call.

One close family member has been emailing me as soon as my email is noticed, with messages saying, "I'm busy, will read later" or, "Can't get to this now, will try to get to it tonight."

I'm just sharing cute pictures of my kids or links to homes I'm looking into. The immediate non-reply is, for some reason, off-putting.

Is the weird vibe a sign that I need to reserve emailing this close family member only when asked to? Is it normal to send the "I'm busy but will get to this when I can" message regarding this type of email?

I'm under the impression that it would just be better to wait until one is able to read the email in full and, even if it's a day or so later, then send a reply. But I might be the odd one out here.

GENTLE READER: Your relative has similar questions, Miss Manners assures you.

Will he or she offend you if there is not an immediate answer? What about other obligations, including not just sleep and breakfast, but attending to any real live people who might be present?

Unrealistic as is the hope of meeting everyone's expectations, your relative should be given credit for trying. If the instant non-response truly bothers you, you might assuage those cares by providing instructions in the subject line of your next email: "Pictures of the house. No reply necessary," or simply, "Cute pix NRN."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My siblings are hosting a milestone event for a parent. I, and one of my siblings, can afford and want to spend the money to make the event special.

The other two siblings are just getting by, paycheck to paycheck, and really don't have discretionary money to spend. How do we politely decline financial help to plan the party when we know the other two cannot afford to pay?

GENTLE READER: Although Miss Manners has no objection to caviar and champagne, let us agree that it is not the spending of money that will make the event special, but rather the time spent with family and friends.

Then your problem becomes more manageable. The organizing of the event will require participation of all the siblings. Assign the responsibilities in a way that distributes evenly the effort required, but leaves the larger expenditures to those with both discretionary income and discretion. No comparison of who has decided to contribute what need be made.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Why must one say "please" with "May I have a glass of water?" It sounds like begging; it is begging. If I said "pretty please," you'd know that was begging.

I've always told my kids, "Don't say 'please,' but always say 'thank you.'" Another child's mom makes them say please, and I say, "Tell her mom that you were not aware you had to beg for water." Of course, they say please, just to get on with it.

When people say "please" to me, I always respond, "You do not need to say please."

"It's polite," they say. It may be polite, but it's still begging. What do you say?

GENTLE READER: That it is a good thing for your children that they have the sense to disobey you about this. You are trying to deny them an extremely simple way to avoid annoying others. "Please" is simply the conventional term for softening requests to indicate that one is not just ordering people around.

But Miss Manners is in total agreement with you that begging, on the part of those who are not in dire need, is abhorrent and unfortunately prevalent in today's society. So, have you forbidden your children to announce what they would like to be given in the way of presents? Have you taught them never to try to solicit funds for luxuries for themselves?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: This year, my mother has told us exactly what she wants for Mother's Day, what she wants us to do and what we may not give her.

I think that what to do is our decision, and that gifts (or, more to the point, kind actions) have no meaning if the giver has not chosen to do so and was instead told by the receiver to do as such. We are insecure about this particular difference of opinion.

GENTLE READER: Oh, right: It is not just children who need to understand that asking people to give them things is a form of begging. And if it is hard for parents to teach this to children, it is nigh impossible for children to teach this to parents.

Understanding that peace in the family is a consideration, Miss Manners suggests that you sit down with your mother and tell her that you actually enjoy thinking of ways to please her, and would appreciate some general guidelines of what she likes so that in the future you may do a better job of it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper time frame to send out thank-you notes after a baby shower?

GENTLE READER: You probably expect tender-hearted Miss Manners to do whatever she ethically can to lessen the burden on expectant mothers.

No such luck. The most she will concede is that if the guest of honor is exhausted after the shower, she may wait until the next morning to write the hostess and those who gave her presents. If this is put off any longer, the lady will argue that she doesn't feel well, she has too much to do to get ready for the baby, and then that she is too busy caring for the baby. And her example risks condoning thanklessness in yet another generation.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Am I totally out of line asking the server if I can take home all the oyster shells? I use them for my artwork.

GENTLE READER: As long as the oysters don't mind, Miss Manners fails to see why the server would.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I were about to leave for a 7 p.m. dinner party, when we suddenly realized the invitation gave a 6 o'clock start time. I texted our hosts to say that we had gotten the time wrong, that we were on our way, and that they should starting eating without us.

My husband refused to show up late, left the car and decided not to go. I went ahead, joined the party and had a good time. The hosts were disappointed my husband wouldn't join.

Should we both have just stayed back and given a convenient excuse, or should both of us have continued with the advance warning that I gave them?

GENTLE READER? Did your husband hitchhike home?

The transgression of leaving an empty place at the dinner table is a far more annoying one for the host than the guest being late with a reasonable excuse. Etiquette allows for human error, as long as regret is politely expressed and the behavior is corrected.

You are fortunate that the hosts did not mind, or were gracious enough to pretend that they did not. Miss Manners hopes that you will encourage your husband to imagine himself in their place.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My brother-in-law has been planning a surprise birthday party for my sister for two months. Just recently, her boss invited them both to his annual dinner. Her boss is a VP and she is a director, so she feels obligated and happy to attend.

When her husband called me in a quandary, I told him to contact her boss and politely decline on her behalf and explain there is a family function previously planned, and that he would appreciate his discretion.

He disagreed and wants to send an email to my sister's employee to forward to the VP's assistant, and then tell my sister about the surprise party.

I understand that he does not want to harm her politically at her company, and I may be completely crass, but I don't feel it's a tenable solution at all.

GENTLE READER: Tell your brother not to plan surprise parties. Miss Manners hates to be a moist blanket, but she can hardly think of any good that ever came from one (the party, not the blanket).

You are correct that in most cases, a previous social engagement takes precedent over a new one. But your sister did not know she already had plans. And overriding her ruling without consent could indeed hurt her professionally.

Your brother-in-law had the right instinct. Going through the assistants at least gives this the chance of being handled delicately and discreetly. Perhaps the assistants could even hatch a plan to make both events happen.

In any case, this way the boss can be in on the decision and not merely subjected to it -- as your sister certainly would be.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)