DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend of mine, who is married and has a 10-year-old son, asked for my advice. She said that her husband was texting a "friend" at midnight, and he denied that it was an affair.

However, she has other examples of his questionable behavior, leading her to believe that he is, in fact, having an affair. For example, he says that he's working but comes home very late and has been drinking.

I don't think she wants a divorce, but I'm at a loss to give her advice.

GENTLE READER: Very sensible of you. Miss Manners advises you to pay attention to that feeling, because whatever the outcome for the couple, you would be the loser.

If they reconcile, whether or not there was an affair -- something you are not in a position to know -- they will be embarrassed you know about their troubles. If you advise her to separate from him, she will associate you with the unpleasantness involved.

This is not to say that Miss Manners thinks you should turn away from your needy friend -- only that you should refrain from offering her advice. It is a greater contribution to listen to your friend's worries and to draw out from her what might be the result of various actions that she (not you) is thinking of taking.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Have the etiquette standards changed regarding correct use of the butter knife?

I was taught to use the butter knife to transfer an appropriate amount of butter from the butter dish to my plate. Frequently, however, I see diners (and often my guests) buttering bread using the butter knife, instead of their dinner knife.

Also, is it now appropriate to convert a dinner roll into a mini-sandwich?

GENTLE READER: Even if the Etiquette Council had enough time on its hands to tinker with such matters, changing butter rules would probably not be high on its agenda.

If one person appropriates the master butter knife (and don't tell Miss Manners that they claim to put it right back, because she saw them abandoning it on their plates), others will have trouble getting any butter. They will use their dinner knives, which have already cut something else, and leave traces of it on the communal butter. And you can't stop them.

And about that mini-sandwich: This would be an emergency measure. Nothing short of a total lack of utensils would justify stuffing food into a dinner roll to make a sandwich.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: One of my children is getting married soon. Is it appropriate to invite only parents and grandparents to the ceremony for a reception of 200-plus people?

I have never heard of this and foresee many close family members hurt by this decision. How do you do this to a close-knit family?

GENTLE READER: Time was when it was considered acceptable to invite guests to the ceremony but not the reception, or to the reception but not the ceremony. Miss Manners never condoned the former, and she recommends a judicious use of the latter.

People no longer pop into a wedding in their neighborhoods, as when the girl next door married the boy next door. They often need complicated travel arrangements in order to attend. Therefore, excluding them from part of the occasion, unless there is a compelling reason to have a private ceremony, is not likely to be taken well.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Which is more proper in addressing a mixed couple in a bar or restaurant:

"What can I get you guys to drink?"

"What can I get you folks to drink?"

"What can I get you and your lady friend to drink?"

"What can I get you and your man friend to drink?"

"Does either of you have a drink preference?"

GENTLE READER: The only thing wrong with that last suggestion is the assumption that people go into a bar not caring what they drink.

How about just "What would you like to drink?" with the plural assumed?

Miss Manners fails to understand the dilemma here -- or even the meaning of "mixed couple" -- but feels certain that it cannot be good. The relationship of customers to one another is none of the server's business or concern. It is not likely to affect their drink order.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter is beautiful. I'm not saying this to brag; it's simply a fact.

She is just shy of her fifth birthday and loves to dress up. When we go out, it's not unusual for strangers to comment on her looks.

I'm not sure how to respond. I feel awkward saying "thank you," because aside from the genetic component, I feel her looks are entirely a matter of chance, not a result of any action I took.

I also hesitate to emphasize her looks at all. While I certainly don't want her to think she's ugly, I also don't want her growing up thinking being pretty is the highest compliment she can receive.

Is there a polite way to both accept the compliment but also put emphasis on her other more important attributes?

With children this age, I know she's always listening. I want to model good behavior for her, but also to make sure she knows what's really important.

GENTLE READER: A simple "thank you" is all that is required. Miss Manners begs you not to add, "But you should see her brain!"

Redirecting well-meaning compliments from strangers in any meaningful and polite way is a fruitless endeavor. Put the effort to better use by teaching your daughter at home about the importance of education and kindness over appearance. Perhaps it is more than one can reasonably hope, but a lifetime of thoughtful upbringing by her parent should speak more than wayward compliments from strangers.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Are there etiquette guidelines surrounding sitting or standing when talking with someone who uses a wheelchair?

At a reception, I was introduced to a petite woman who uses a chair, and we had an interesting conversation. But I stand 6 feet 2 and felt uncomfortable towering over her. There was no place nearby for me to sit, and it seemed inappropriate to crouch (so we would be eye-to-eye), because that is what I would do with a child.

GENTLE READER: While Miss Manners appreciates your sensitivity, she feels certain that crouching is better than towering over the woman and having both of you shouting and straining your necks.

If you are worried that the lady might take offense, ask her permission first. She might even be able to come up with a solution that is satisfactory for both of you.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have opened my own pet-sitting business, and my first meeting with potential clients is nearly always inside their homes. These homes are often professionally cleaned and opulently decorated, but I'm frequently invited inside with a "So sorry about the mess."

There never is the slightest mess, and since it seems bad business to reply with a bluff, "Oh, you should see my place" to a person I'm hoping will trust me in their home with their beloved pets, I'm at a loss for an appropriate and gracious response. What is the most polite response to this "apology"?

GENTLE READER: Transparent as such apologies are, they have become commonplace, and you are, as you rightly recognize, in no position to argue.

Miss Manners presumes that when asked how you are by prospective employers, you neglect to mention the cold you are suffering from, the dog that threw up on your shoes, and the flat tire that you will have to deal with after the interview. She advises you to adopt a similar level of forthrightness in this case, protesting that the house is a marvel.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Five of us formed a performing ensemble and have developed a successful reputation for the group. Two of the members have vocal issues (pitch and tone quality), are not investing the rehearsal time necessary to keep us all moving forward, and are not contributing to the workload of keeping the group organized and prepared for performances and workshops.

Because the group was formed with an agreement to use a basis of consensus, can three of us ask the other two to leave the group so we three can continue to build on the reputation and groundwork we all laid together? Or should we three step away and invest in forming a new group?

GENTLE READER: Without a show of hands, Miss Manners does not know whether you agreed to make group decisions unanimously or by (general) consensus. Since you hold a majority, the latter would be easier than the former, which is not to say that it will be easy.

Whether your group is professional, amateur or something in between, you are giving performances, and it therefore is reasonable to adopt professional manners. The group should meet so that the three more serious members can propose clear, specific -- and more stringent -- guidelines for participation.

If you cannot reach consensus, you still have the less pleasant alternative of disbanding the group and, when advertising the new ensemble, making mention of "former members of" the original group.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I would like to host some friends of ours in the near future. However, there is a problem with our bathroom plumbing, and as a result the bathroom sink does not have hot water.

We cannot afford to get it fixed right now. Is it necessary to get it fixed before we have guests? If not, should we put a sign in the bathroom explaining?

GENTLE READER: What -- that it would be unwise to attempt to take a bath in the sink?

Providing cold water for hand-washing does not strike Miss Manners as a breach of hospitality that calls for warnings.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)