DEAR MISS MANNERS: While terms such as "first lady" should/may be on their way out, I'm just not sure of the proper term for the husband of the president. Is he the "first man"? ... "first gentleman"? ... "first husband"? (as opposed to second?) ... "first spouse"? I'm just not sure.

Also, with so many female high commissioners and ambassadors, is it "madam ambassador" -- or is that the wife of a male ambassador? What do you call a female ambassador to her face in wishing to address her? I have a French friend who calls his ambassador "ma cherie" -- but I guess that's because he is Monsieur l'ambassadeur! Or is he?

Maybe we should seek a new term for first lady or the male equivalent. How about "first genderperson"? Or then again, maybe we should just refer to our respective first ladies as what they are: the boss!

GENTLE READER: Or should we perhaps finally get around to recognizing that these people are private citizens and not issue them silly titles? (As the then-Jacqueline Kennedy pointed out when her husband was president, "first lady" sounds like the name of a horse.)

For a country that originally strived to get away from the flowery titles of court society, America has gone cutesy about conferring them where they are not needed. Other countries' customs of spouse titles (Frau Doktor, Mrs. Colonel) are not an American tradition.

If such a gentleman does not have a title of his own, he should be addressed as Mr. Surname. And if he does have one, Miss Manners dearly hopes that, despite widespread misusage, it will be used correctly. As a hypothetical example, it should be noted that there is only one president of the United States at a time, and while former holders of the office can use lesser titles that they may have had, they should not be properly addressed as president.

And about your "madam ambassador": For Americans, and for the foreign diplomatic corps in Washington (my beat for many years), it is only the ambassador herself who has that courtesy title. But some countries give it to ambassadors' wives.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Whenever my partner and I have someone do some work on our home, such as a gardener, repair person, delivery person who sets something up in my house, etc., I always offer them a beverage -- coffee if it's early morning or a soda if it's midday.

My partner says this is unnecessary and, in fact, rude because it's presuming a friendship where none exists. I agree that it isn't strictly necessary, but I think it's a nice gesture.

For example, there was someone repairing my windshield in the cold, so I gave him a cup of coffee. I fully realize that once the job is complete, these people are not going to be our friends, yet I feel offering a beverage is a small, harmless courtesy.

GENTLE READER: As indeed it is -- an optional but pleasant courtesy. If you start saying you would like to meet these people's families, Miss Manners will consider it time enough for your partner to object that you have crossed a line.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I find that people make several assumptions about me due to the mere fact that I am a bride-to-be planning a wedding.

I chose my bridesmaids and told them they can choose any appropriate knee-length dresses in any shade of my wedding color they prefer. Originally, I was quite apathetic about even the color, but this proved to be too much freedom for most to comprehend, so I narrowed it down for them.

In any case, I thought different ladies in different dresses in different colors (or shades of a color, in this case) would look lovely and elegant -- and, most important, not like a cult, which is how I feel about matchy-matchy wedding people "props."

We have two flower girls as well, and when asked, I told their mothers that any appropriate dress in any purple would be lovely. Besides finding the mini-bride look a bit creepy, I thought a colored dress would be more practical, and not matching them would give them more options (and also look less cultish), as they both have very different stores available near their homes.

I thought this was all going wonderfully, but last night at a beautiful family engagement party my aunt and mom threw for us, I found that people were co-conspiring "for my own good" because I'm "too nice to make demands" and they're "concerned how my pictures would look."

My bridesmaids are conspiring to wear the same color in case three of them choose one color dress, and two of them choose one, and another chooses a different one, because then there will be no way to make everything symmetrical for my photos -- which is the entire point!

I don't want everything orchestrated and choreographed to the point that my loved ones are people-props!

Honestly, I just want them to choose a pretty dress (with my "approval," since they all seem to feel that is necessary) and show up on time!

Similarly, the flower girls' mothers were found comparing their local stores to see the availability of finding the same dress.

Miss Manners, I realize that they're doing this out of love because they think I'm making concessions for their convenience. How do I convince them that what they're planning is really the opposite of what I want, without feeling like I'm some drill sergeant making one demand after another?

The only one who seems to understand my views is my wonderful maid of honor. We went shopping for her dress already, and she happily picked out her favorite dress in her favorite color at her favorite price.

GENTLE READER: As you aptly noted, this is yet another case of the wrong thing being so prevalent and ingrained in people's heads that the hapless person who is trying to do the right thing is being thwarted.

However, if the higher goal is that you wish your friends to wear what they want without your dictatorship, then Miss Manners is afraid that in their own misguided way, your friends are doing just that.

You could try one more time to tell them that you just want them to look like themselves and to choose something that they love -- that your only concern for the pictures is to display just that. But if they won't listen, then it seems best to let it go. You and your maid of honor can have fun later using modern technology to re-color the dresses in the photos to your -- or what should have been their -- liking.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My email address is apparently very similar to that of a woman who doesn't remember hers very well. I periodically get emails that are intended for her from her various friends and relatives.

Even reading the subject lines of these emails tends to make me fume -- they are racist, offensive, and completely the opposite of my political beliefs.

I know the correct thing to do is probably just to ignore the emails or send a one-line response about the email address being wrong (which I have done), but is there any way I can also convey that the emails are completely offensive?

I guess it's hopeless to make people change their views, but barring that, how do I get over my own anger triggered by these emails? Sometimes finding one and realizing that people out there believe such terrible things can ruin my whole morning!

GENTLE READER: In the pre-email days, it was understood that it was impolite to open another person's correspondence even if it was, mistakenly, laid at your doorstep.

This was not always observed; it is all too easy to slice open an envelope without proofreading the addressee. But in those cases, etiquette dictated that the fiction be maintained that the contents remained private.

The same applies to email even if you only learn of the misdirection by reading the subject line. Following the older form -- in which it was acceptable to reply coldly, "Please be aware that Mrs. Pence no longer resides at this address" -- you may answer: "Please update your address book. Your subject line can be considered offensive, and as the email was not intended for me, I wish to avoid any future misunderstandings."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have recently retired and plan to travel with my wife. My brother and his wife, who are also retired, have suggested several times that we travel together.

While he is a hale fellow with many interests compatible with ours, his controlling wife is not. For example, she often, at the last minute, decides not to participate in a previously planned activity, but insists that the three of us go ahead. If we do, however, she pouts and takes it out on him.

How do we decline their traveling suggestions once and for all without generating family discord?

GENTLE READER: By declining their traveling invitations one at a time.

You cannot tell someone, "We are never going to travel with you" and expect to avoid the inevitable follow-up question. And there is no plausible answer to "Why not?" that avoids family discord.

Miss Manners does not propose that you lie about your reasons, or that you tell them truthfully. Better to leave their suggestions at, "We are so sorry, but we simply can't go then/there," and to tell them your plans only when it is too late to change arrangements. If this is done often enough, your relatives should grow tired of asking.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)