DEAR MISS MANNERS: I find that people make several assumptions about me due to the mere fact that I am a bride-to-be planning a wedding.

I chose my bridesmaids and told them they can choose any appropriate knee-length dresses in any shade of my wedding color they prefer. Originally, I was quite apathetic about even the color, but this proved to be too much freedom for most to comprehend, so I narrowed it down for them.

In any case, I thought different ladies in different dresses in different colors (or shades of a color, in this case) would look lovely and elegant -- and, most important, not like a cult, which is how I feel about matchy-matchy wedding people "props."

We have two flower girls as well, and when asked, I told their mothers that any appropriate dress in any purple would be lovely. Besides finding the mini-bride look a bit creepy, I thought a colored dress would be more practical, and not matching them would give them more options (and also look less cultish), as they both have very different stores available near their homes.

I thought this was all going wonderfully, but last night at a beautiful family engagement party my aunt and mom threw for us, I found that people were co-conspiring "for my own good" because I'm "too nice to make demands" and they're "concerned how my pictures would look."

My bridesmaids are conspiring to wear the same color in case three of them choose one color dress, and two of them choose one, and another chooses a different one, because then there will be no way to make everything symmetrical for my photos -- which is the entire point!

I don't want everything orchestrated and choreographed to the point that my loved ones are people-props!

Honestly, I just want them to choose a pretty dress (with my "approval," since they all seem to feel that is necessary) and show up on time!

Similarly, the flower girls' mothers were found comparing their local stores to see the availability of finding the same dress.

Miss Manners, I realize that they're doing this out of love because they think I'm making concessions for their convenience. How do I convince them that what they're planning is really the opposite of what I want, without feeling like I'm some drill sergeant making one demand after another?

The only one who seems to understand my views is my wonderful maid of honor. We went shopping for her dress already, and she happily picked out her favorite dress in her favorite color at her favorite price.

GENTLE READER: As you aptly noted, this is yet another case of the wrong thing being so prevalent and ingrained in people's heads that the hapless person who is trying to do the right thing is being thwarted.

However, if the higher goal is that you wish your friends to wear what they want without your dictatorship, then Miss Manners is afraid that in their own misguided way, your friends are doing just that.

You could try one more time to tell them that you just want them to look like themselves and to choose something that they love -- that your only concern for the pictures is to display just that. But if they won't listen, then it seems best to let it go. You and your maid of honor can have fun later using modern technology to re-color the dresses in the photos to your -- or what should have been their -- liking.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My email address is apparently very similar to that of a woman who doesn't remember hers very well. I periodically get emails that are intended for her from her various friends and relatives.

Even reading the subject lines of these emails tends to make me fume -- they are racist, offensive, and completely the opposite of my political beliefs.

I know the correct thing to do is probably just to ignore the emails or send a one-line response about the email address being wrong (which I have done), but is there any way I can also convey that the emails are completely offensive?

I guess it's hopeless to make people change their views, but barring that, how do I get over my own anger triggered by these emails? Sometimes finding one and realizing that people out there believe such terrible things can ruin my whole morning!

GENTLE READER: In the pre-email days, it was understood that it was impolite to open another person's correspondence even if it was, mistakenly, laid at your doorstep.

This was not always observed; it is all too easy to slice open an envelope without proofreading the addressee. But in those cases, etiquette dictated that the fiction be maintained that the contents remained private.

The same applies to email even if you only learn of the misdirection by reading the subject line. Following the older form -- in which it was acceptable to reply coldly, "Please be aware that Mrs. Pence no longer resides at this address" -- you may answer: "Please update your address book. Your subject line can be considered offensive, and as the email was not intended for me, I wish to avoid any future misunderstandings."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have recently retired and plan to travel with my wife. My brother and his wife, who are also retired, have suggested several times that we travel together.

While he is a hale fellow with many interests compatible with ours, his controlling wife is not. For example, she often, at the last minute, decides not to participate in a previously planned activity, but insists that the three of us go ahead. If we do, however, she pouts and takes it out on him.

How do we decline their traveling suggestions once and for all without generating family discord?

GENTLE READER: By declining their traveling invitations one at a time.

You cannot tell someone, "We are never going to travel with you" and expect to avoid the inevitable follow-up question. And there is no plausible answer to "Why not?" that avoids family discord.

Miss Manners does not propose that you lie about your reasons, or that you tell them truthfully. Better to leave their suggestions at, "We are so sorry, but we simply can't go then/there," and to tell them your plans only when it is too late to change arrangements. If this is done often enough, your relatives should grow tired of asking.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a top-tier frequent flier, I get free food and wine from the buy-on-board menu. Flight attendants see my status when they tally the bill, but some want a credit card first.

I would rather not add to other passengers' misery by announcing my privilege, but have found no other clear response to a demand for payment. What would you do?

GENTLE READER: Not conspire with the airlines to protect their customers from knowing the petty details of their class system.

It is tender of you to worry about the chagrin that passengers experience from knowing how crudely comfort and amenities are apportioned by tallying the accumulated money spent, not only on tickets, but also on credit card charges and such.

However, those unvalued customers already know the principle. Very likely they have been patiently waiting to board after those holding such honors as "Platinum," "Gold," "Silver," and, for all Miss Manners knows, "Silverplate," "Iron" and "Tin."

Miss Manners doubts that knowing that you get a few dollars' worth of sustenance will add to their misery as much as to their cynicism.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While my boyfriend of 3 1/2 years and I were out celebrating my birthday with our combined family, he ran into some old friends who were dining out at the same place.

My boyfriend does not introduce me to people when he stops to talk with them. He tells me he cannot remember their names and does not want to offend them. However, I feel offended that he does not care to include me in.

Perhaps I'm too soft? Later, while we were all eating, this woman came over and said she wanted a picture with my boyfriend. I felt like an outsider, since I had no idea who this was. She was laughing and insisting on getting a picture. My daughters and I had to stand up in order to let him out of the booth. I then helped take the picture, and she was off.

I then asked my boyfriend who she was. He said she was family to his ex-girlfriend but could not remember her name. That was his reasoning for not introducing me. I felt it was very rude. He didn't want to hurt her feelings by not remembering her name, so he left me out.

What about my feelings? Is it wrong to like to feel honored by him?

GENTLE READER: What about having feelings for someone who has trouble remembering names? Miss Manners does, and can rescue the gentleman.

Presumably he remembers your name. And if not, you have a worse problem than the one you reported.

Teach him the trick of saying the name he does know with "May I introduce ...?" as if the other person is in the needs-no-introduction category (which doesn't exist, but never mind that for now).

But wait -- why aren't you rescuing him? You need only stand up and introduce yourself instead of hanging back, feeling insulted. Just remember to keep looking at the stranger, not back at your beau, as you wait for the name to be supplied.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)