DEAR MISS MANNERS: A member of my family hit the lottery for a sizable sum. She is getting married and would like a shower, not for the gifts, but to celebrate the occasion.

Do you have any suggestions how she can feel special but also suggest the gift of money so she could make a donation to a favorite charity? We certainly don't want to offend anyone, but we want to do the right thing.

GENTLE READER: Your relative won the lottery, and she is contemplating asking her friends to let her direct their money?

Let us leave aside the vulgarity of suggesting her own shower and endeavoring to seem generous by using other people's money. These transgressions have become so common that they now seem to bother no one except Miss Manners.

But she promises you that for someone who just struck it rich to ask others to give even more, for whatever purpose, will only enrage them. If any bride should hang back and wait for others to volunteer honoring her, it is your fortunate relative.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was adopted at birth. Since the adoption was privately arranged, my parents had my original birth certificate, and I knew my mother's maiden name. My parents (now both deceased) never had any problem with me asking about my birth mother or trying to find her.

In my 40s, I located her, and we became friends. (A strong, funny and delightful woman, by the way!) She had since married and adopted two children. She told me she was not telling her children about me because, although they knew they were adopted, she didn't want them to get the idea that they weren't her "real" children. I didn't mind and didn't try to contact them. After all, my "real" Mom was my adoptive mother.

I sent her a small gift recently and was surprised that she didn't email me to let me know it had arrived. When I emailed her to ask her, I got a reply from her daughter, saying that her mother had passed away a few months ago, and did I want the gift back, and how did I know her?

I prefer to tell the truth when it doesn't hurt anyone other than me, but I'm not sure if I should in this case. Your thoughts?

GENTLE READER: That you know your mother's preference was to keep this information from her other children, and that she was in a better position than you to know whether knowing this would cause hurt. In any case, it seems to Miss Manners that you have an obligation to honor those wishes.

Too often, people believe that the virtue of truth-telling trumps all other virtues, and that it requires telling the whole truth -- which often means only airing the teller's opinions, and usually not the nice ones.

Here you need only offer your condolences, do as you like about the present, and explain that you knew her mother through your mother -- meaning your adoptive mother -- but without explaining the claims each of them has to that title.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a severely disabled friend who lives far away. Sometimes we chat on the phone and sometimes I write letters. The letters must be read to her by caregivers whom I have never met.

When I was writing a letter that continued our last phone conversation, the subject turned to both religion and politics. While my views are decidedly not extreme, it occurred to me that they might conflict with those of the caregivers. What used to be simple disagreement so often seems to turn to offense these days.

When writing to my friend, must I consider the possible views of her caregivers and stay away from controversial subjects? Or may I treat my letter as a private conversation, even though I know strangers will be reading it?

GENTLE READER: As you have never met the caregivers, it would be difficult to know what would meet their standards of acceptable conversation. However, Miss Manners assures you that there is no requirement that you do so. Well-trained caregivers are often called upon to be a social companion, but should know that the kindness they are providing in reading your letter is different -- it is to enable the beneficiary to enjoy something she would otherwise have missed: a letter from a friend.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I have attended several baby showers for friends and relatives this past year.

There is one friend in the group who seems particularly passive-aggressive about these affairs, often opining on overpopulation, American consumerism, Americans' waste, etc. Personally, I'd like to put her out on her keister. But my wife and her friends just roll their eyes at each other when she begins her litany.

Is my only recourse to follow my wife's lead and simply roll my eyes, or is it safe to engage her in a debate?

I can debate quite civilly, but I also know this woman to fly off the handle at the slightest provocation -- that may be my motive for engaging her, truth be told. I am so tired of her self-righteous statements, and I know others are also wearying of them. Do I commit a faux pas by responding to her when she begins spewing her nasty opinions?

GENTLE READER: First, let us rule out further eye-rolling -- rudeness does not justify further rudeness. And a debate about population growth will neither silence the opinionated nor endear you to the hostess.

But if you cannot return rudeness for rudeness, Miss Manners does not lay the same ban on exchanges of righteous indignation. The next time your wife's friend complains about overpopulation, put on your most horrified look and say, "Surely you are not talking about the birth we are all here to celebrate?" Then walk away, leaving any follow-up debate to others.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it professional to call a colleague a nickname such as "Little Redhead"? Someone who is in some ways above you in the chain of command?

GENTLE READER: Outside of the Mafia -- and even then, likely only in movies -- Miss Manners is not aware of any profession in which conferring nicknames ("Nicky the Squid") is considered professional behavior.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Almost every week, my phone gets at least one text message identified solely by the other party's phone number, with few clues as to the sender's identity, saying something like, "When do you want to meet?" What's the politest way to reply, "First, who IS this, please?"

GENTLE READER: "Who is this, please?" (with "is" lowercase) should be sufficient as, depending on the answer, Miss Manners suspects that there may not be a "second."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend/acquaintance who has a problem with self-esteem and is constantly trying to impress. When a group of us go out to eat, she says, "I will do the prime rib" or whatever it may be.

The rest of us just say we will have the prime rib.

I know this isn't a big deal, but it really grates on my nerves. Should I say anything or just bite my tongue?

GENTLE READER: Bite your tongue. Miss Manners finds your interpretation of your friend/acquaintance's wording even odder than the wording itself.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a woman who enjoys woodworking. Every time that I buy plywood from a local home store, the employees are kind enough to cut it to rough size for me, so that I can get it into my car and maneuver the lighter pieces.

When they cut the plywood, I plug my fingers because the sound of the saw hurts my ears. (I wear earmuffs when I use my saw at home.) My problem is that the employees do NOT wear their earmuffs when they make the cuts. The safety gear is hanging right there, on a hook, unused.

How do I say, "Please wear your earmuffs!" (I was born half-deaf, and I hate wearing hearing aids. I say, "What?" a million times a day.) Watching others deliberately endanger their hearing is heartrending to me. I don't know if I should speak up, what to say, to whom to say it, etc.

GENTLE READER: One of the blessings of modern safety regulations is that they reduce the opportunities for employers to abuse employees. The other blessing is that it makes the employer fearful of the consequences when employees -- even careless ones -- do get hurt. Miss Manners suggests you raise the issue with the store owner, relating your own experience with hearing loss.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A relative of mine often disses my family, particularly my siblings. I enjoy her company, but I'm put off by her negative remarks. They are thrown in unexpectedly, and I don't know how to respond discreetly. How can I handle this comfortably?

GENTLE READER: It should add to your comfort, Miss Manners would think, to repeat, "I will not listen to anything against my siblings." The discomfort of your bad-mouthing relative may prove to be useful. If not, at least you will be spared hearing the remarks.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)