DEAR MISS MANNERS: Every New Year's Eve, my family and I receive friends and acquaintances at a formal (dinner jacket) party.

A few ladies come dressed in trousers. When once I was asked my preference as to how a lady should be dressed for such occasion, and I responded "dressed with a skirt," the person called my decision one worthy of a dinosaur.

May I ask, please, is there a formula to indicate how a lady should be attired?

GENTLE READER: What you are asking for is trouble.

Mind you, Miss Manners thoroughly agrees that it is a shame that many ladies no longer really dress up, even for gala occasions.

She has noticed an odd trend in the last decade or so. It used to be that gentlemen groused about wearing dinner jackets and tried to get away with less, or with some funny variation, while ladies wore serious evening dresses. Now she still sees unmatched couples, but more often the gentlemen in conventional evening dress, while the ladies are austerely attired in plain black silk trousers with perhaps a bright jacket.

This is perhaps a skewered view, because Miss Manners is speaking of private formal dinners and parties, not charity balls honoring some designer, and not award ceremonies. But she sees that even among those few who still have some formality in their lives -- and who would not therefore consider it a one-time waste to invest in evening clothes.

For that matter, orchestras commonly comprise properly dressed males while the females, for whom one black dress (or, for cellists, perhaps the festive trousers known as palazzo pajamas) would be a working uniform, wear informal black outfits.

Miss Manners recognizes that life has been getting increasingly informal. Nevertheless, she notices that the resulting hunger for more style -- or just an occasional change -- breaks out at proms and weddings, often with peculiar results.

So she is in sympathy with your wish. All the same, she knows that indignation and derision are the inevitable reactions to any attempt to discuss, let alone mandate, dress.

Changing fashion, comfort and self-expression will all be cited, and Miss Manners does not deny that these are factors worthy of consideration. But it is not that hard to satisfy all three within the different general standards that apply to different occasions. That Miss Manners happens to prefer skirts to trousers does not prevent her from looking suitably informal (not to mention fetching) at picnics.

Nevertheless, issuing any directive other than the conventional "Black tie" (or "White tie") will just annoy people, who will ignore it anyway.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have seen holiday cards where a friend has put a slash through her printed name on the sign-off.

Is this proper etiquette for indicating who sent the card? If not, what does it mean?

GENTLE READER: She did sign the card, didn't she?

Replacing the printed signature with a handwritten one means that one wants to make the card slightly more personal. It is done, for example, on visiting cards, especially when a handwritten note or invitation is on the card.

What the slash would mean without a signature, Miss Manners cannot imagine. That the sender has purloined someone else's cards?

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My friends and I were talking about how to give a compliment. One said that you should say, "That shirt looks good on you," and one said that was wrong; the correct way is, "You look good in that shirt."

Personally, I am happy to get a compliment so I don't care. But now our curiosities are piqued. Which friend is correct, and even better -- why?

GENTLE READER: The correct thing is not to quibble about compliments, and Miss Manners is pleased that you are affable enough to take either sort of statement as such.

Those looking to collect insults are not so generous, and it is for them that the following explanation is geared. "That shirt is becoming on you" implies that its wearer would look good regardless -- the shirt is simply being enhanced by the person's good looks. This is more flattering than, "You look good in that shirt," which -- if one goes digging -- implies that you are becoming only in that particular shirt. The inference, which is not as complimentary, is that the shirt itself would be just fine on its own.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Does etiquette dictate that anyone, or particularly mothers of young children, accept some portion of the invitations they receive?

I understand, of course, that invitations must be answered promptly, but since I prefer not to leave my young daughter at night (nor would I wish to bring her to gatherings that are past her bedtime, even if she were invited), my answer is always "No." (I do encourage my husband to attend whatever of these events he would like, without me, and he sometimes does so.)

One friend criticized me severely when I declined what was considered one too many evening invitations. The criticism devolved into an attack on my parenting philosophy, which cannot be the subject of an etiquette question, but I am wondering if there are guidelines I ought to be following to make my repeated negative replies more palatable.

For example, is it unfair if I continue to invite others to brunch in my home, on hikes (which include my child), or to casual dinners or movie nights held in my home after my child goes to bed, given that I repeatedly decline their invitations? I extend these invitations at various times, not in reply to the invitations of others. I certainly don't expect anyone to attend my events if they don't wish to, but they are all I have to offer.

GENTLE READER: On the contrary, inviting friends -- not as a reciprocal obligation, but because you enjoy their company -- is the very definition of hospitality. That you want to do it at your convenience and on your own terms is how any hosted event works.

Do not let your friends bully you or engage in criticism of your parenting techniques. They may find your declining of invitations tedious, but Miss Manners assures you that that is their problem, not a problem of etiquette.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I hope you will help me navigate a nasty family dispute. At family gatherings last summer, the hostess, my dear mother, relegated the party to the outside of the house, and decorated the floor from the backdoor to the bathroom with a path of towels, to lessen our impact on her home.

The temperatures soared and so did tempers.

Does a hostess have a responsibility to see to the comfort of her guests regardless of the messiness or rambunctiousness of her children and grandchildren? Does a guest ever have an occasion to request greater hospitality -- and free access to the more comfortable interior of the home?

I left the last family dinner early (and graciously). My sister stayed another two hours and departed only after browbeating my mother for not allowing us inside. Both are assuming that I will take their side in this argument.

GENTLE READER: A hostess indeed has a responsibility to see to the comfort of her guests, although your qualification -- that she do so irrespective of the behavior of the guests -- gives Miss Manners pause. That and the towels.

Miss Manners wonders if it would be worth reviewing the behavior of the rambunctious progeny before admonishing your mother. A bit of moderation all around might prevent your family Christmas gathering from being held in the snow.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the best way to get callers to identify themselves?

I receive many calls from professional organizations that ask for me by first name and fail to identify the caller. I am constantly having to ask, "Who's calling, please?" Many times this question is ignored, and they again ask is this "name"?

I really want to just hang up at this point or answer with a snarky remark; however, some of these calls are important to me. Do you have a suggestion as to how to inform these businesses that they are being very unprofessional? Also, what is the best way to obtain the caller's information?

GENTLE READER: There is no need to be shy about your legitimate request to know who is calling, but there is also no cause to be snarky. For those who refuse to identify themselves, Miss Manners recommends a firm, "I'm so sorry, but it was you who called me. To whom am I speaking?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My friend did not receive an invitation to a Christmas party she has been going to every year for 19 years. She assumed it was an oversight and called the hostess. Unfortunately, the hostess told her she was cut from the list this year.

Was my friend wrong to call? They were next-door neighbors for 18 years, and the hostess still lives in the same town. My friend is mortified and embarrassed. I told my friend that the hostess should have lied and said it was an oversight!

GENTLE READER: Just a guess, but has your friend not reciprocated all that hospitality?

Miss Manners presumes that the hostess was fed up with someone who treats her parties as an entitlement. There was no need to lie, but she could have replied to that presumptuous call with, "I'm sorry, we're giving a smaller party this year, for people we always see."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)