DEAR MISS MANNERS: Do you think it is proper to receive a dinner invitation from a neighbor/friend to eat leftovers that they cooked the night before? And, if this is declined, is it right for the neighbor to get a bit of an attitude and say they are feeling "rejected" because of it?

GENTLE READER: Although Miss Manners feels misled by the phrasing here and is not sure which side she is being manipulated to take, she will rule in favor of the subtext of the transaction.

If it was a casual invitation from the neighbor/friend, there was nothing wrong with being upfront about its informality: "I have some wonderful leftovers from last night if you would like to stop by for dinner." If the invitee rejected this by saying, "Ew, no thanks, I don't want your sloppy seconds. I deserve a first-run meal!" then Miss Manners could hardly blame the neighbor for being offended.

It is when a formal invitation is issued and leftovers are obviously and conspicuously offered, so as to suggest the company's lack of importance, that Miss Manners would rule in the would-be guest's favor -- whoever that may be.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My brother's bride-to-be seems to be having a ridiculous number of bridal showers thrown for her. Yesterday I received my third invite to a different shower in her honor. I also know more are coming (I believe the count is up to five showers total).

This is in addition to an engagement party and a bachelorette party. All of these have been thrown by members of her family or her friends. One of the bridal invites was for a "Stock the Bar Party," which asked to bring a bottle of libation, in addition to listing where the bride had registered.

The bride's mother went so far as to call my mother to ask if my family would be hosting showers. This task was then assigned to me (however, with work commitments, I had to regretfully decline).

How many bridal showers are too many? Is it now a trend to host a "Stock the Bar Party," expecting guests to fill the wedding bar? Will it look tacky if I choose to attend only one of the showers? Am I expected to give a gift at each party? While I am not a bridesmaid, I have been asked to be the mistress of ceremonies.

GENTLE READER: How fitting, since this event sounds like quite a circus.

What is trendy or expected in these cases -- as Miss Manners relentlessly proclaims -- has absolutely nothing to do with what is polite. It has only to do with greed.

It is permissible to have one bridal shower, voluntarily hosted by a friend (not a relative, as that looks like the family is fishing for gifts -- a look that this particular family seems to have no problem donning), preferably with no gift registry at all.

So yes, given that shower pandemonium has already broken loose, it is perfectly reasonable for you to attend only one of these showers and bring one token gift, as that is all that should have been expected in the first place.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our office's self-appointed social organizer has sent her usual Halloween notice that we're "encouraged" to come to work dressed up in our choice of scary attire.

Now, I do respect others who wish to participate. But personally, for various reasons, not the least of which is that I have moral and religious objections to the mass craziness that is Halloween, I wish not to participate -- in as gracious and respectful a manner as possible, without offending or appearing standoffish.

Our office includes a mere dozen people, so it's hard to not be noticed. Kindly teach me how to graciously abstain without offending the easily offendable. I don't wish to stay away from work, either, as I am paid by hours worked.

GENTLE READER: Unless your job is teaching nursery school, Miss Manners offers you her sympathy. She does not approve of compulsory shenanigans in the workplace.

She suggests that you go dressed normally, and reply to any accusations with the pathetic plea: "But I thought I was scary enough already. Do you mean to say that I don't frighten you? Oh, dear." And just to show your good will --and to divert the complaint -- you might bring some candy to offer your colleagues.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a woman with a gender-neutral first name, working in a predominantly male profession. In applying for jobs, I notice that the responses I get are sometimes addressed to "Mr."

Is there a way I can politely indicate that I am a woman to the people in HR before I show up at an interview? I just don't want any confusion or embarrassment when I meet them.

Conversely, I was thinking about being in their shoes, and I really don't know the best way to address a letter to a person like me. How does one address a letter to someone when you can't tell their gender by their name?

GENTLE READER: You should become adept at supplying any available clues -- for example, using your full name, "Patricia," in formal business correspondence even though everyone knows you as "Pat"; including your middle name if it is more gender-specific; and putting "Ms." in parentheses before your signature.

If that doesn't do it, Miss Manners would leave HR to guess and be ready with an apology if they guessed wrong.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it rude for my fiancee's daughter to give me a birthday list of very expensive items when I never once asked her what she wanted? She is always asking me for things I cannot afford, and I do not know the appropriate responses to her requests. It's gotten to the point that I do not enjoy her company.

GENTLE READER: In the interest of heading off the tendency of even angelic children to exploit parental differences, Miss Manners recommends a conversation with your fiancee. She should put a stop to her daughter's behavior on her own authority, leaving you the otherwise-pleasant task of making friends with your soon-to-be stepdaughter.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am currently working at a job I hate. I finally decided to begin searching for more fulfilling employment.

How do I answer the question, "Why are you leaving a good, steady job after 13 years?" I want to be honest with potential employers, but saying, "I hate my current job and it is slowly destroying my soul" is just not the right way to go.

What would be the best way to answer this without lying or sounding quite so bitter?

GENTLE READER: If you were divorced, would you approach a romantic prospect by talking about how much you hate your former spouse? Although come to think of it, lots of people think this is a charming way of becoming acquainted.

In both cases, Miss Manners would consider it more effective to express your admiration for the new. To tell a potential employer that you find the possibility of change, and in particular of working there, exciting is not a lie. After all, you likely are excited about leaving a job you hate.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In view of the recent decision of the Supreme Court, there is a obvious increase of gay/lesbian marriages. Could you offer suggestions as to the proper spoken and written titles for these married couples?

If a couple introduces their partners as "my husband" or "my wife," are their titles now Mr. and Mrs. John Smith if they are both males or both females? Is it proper to address the "wife" as Mrs. Pete Smith?

How would a handwritten envelope -- i.e., wedding invitation, museum opening, etc. -- be addressed? In our community, children are often taught to refer to adult family friends, teachers, neighbors, etc., as Ms. Rita or Mr. John. Do they now become Mr. Rita and Ms. John? It has become very complicated.

GENTLE READER: No, it hasn't. If, as Miss Manners suspects, you are trying to be cute, please cut it out.

On the chance that you are genuinely confused, however, please allow her to explain that marrying someone of the same sex and changing genders are two separate matters. When people of the same sex marry, they are both husbands or wives, and do not assume opposite gender forms of address.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter is 48 years old and getting married for the second time. She will have a veil that is shoulder length. Should she have the veil over her face at the altar or not?

GENTLE READER: As she likes. Miss Manners may not be conspicuous for countenancing mangled traditions, but she is amazingly tolerant about bridal attire.

That is because she remembers something more disturbing: sneering wedding guests. When dear Queen Victoria wore a white wedding dress, she probably did not intend to launch it as a uniform for young, inexperienced brides. (She had been under heavy maternal supervision.)

But so it became, encouraging mean-spirited people to snicker at brides they considered too old or "experienced" (whether or not from a previous marriage) to wear white, and related regalia, such as veils. That this nasty custom has been wiped away by the ubiquitous use of the bridal costume strikes Miss Manners as a good trade-off.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)