DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it tacky to have a combo themed party? My husband is turning 40, and we just bought our first house together last month. We would like to "kill two birds with one stone" if it's proper etiquette. If it is allowable, which of the two is more important as far as the invitation is concerned?

GENTLE READER: Well, which one will get you more presents?

Forgive Miss Manners' cynicism, but she has unfortunately grown accustomed to this subtext. And she would otherwise not understand why grown-ups feel the need to have a themed party at all -- much less a "combo theme" -- when that is really best left to the preschool set.

You may certainly have a party to celebrate both occasions, but if you are not fishing for presents (and let us assume in good faith that you are not), do not advertise it as such. Simply have a party.

Presumably, your friends will know that this is a new house if they have not visited you in it before -- and can bring presents if they like. And if you like, you may modestly toast your husband's birthday at the party. But please do not solicit gifts for either occasion, let alone both.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper response to someone who says, "It's about time!" when told that a family member is expecting a baby?

GENTLE READER: "Why? What time is it?!"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have grown increasingly frustrated with the need to decipher the time of social invitations. There was a party announced with an 8:00 start time. Knowing the host and the guests, I arrived at 9:30, and still I was the first to arrive by a long margin.

Sometimes these parties happen in certain minority communities, and this behavior is excused with some self-effacing joke, claiming, "It's just how we are -- we always show up late." If I am looking forward to the event, I find it very frustrating to sit at home, waiting for the right time to leave so that I'll arrive at the expected lateness.

Is there an acceptable way to ask a host to be frank about the hour they expect guests to arrive? Is there an acceptable way for a host to say that we would like to start the celebration at a particular time, with all guests present if at all possible?

GENTLE READER: You may jokingly ask your hosts, "So what does that really mean?" but Miss Manners would caution you to leave out the minority part. They can say it; you can't. You may be able to extract a prediction of when they will sit down to dinner, and time your arrival accordingly.

As a host, you could emphasize your schedule by saying, for example, "We'll have drinks at 7, and dinner will be served at 7:30." Then, if you are cleaning up and going to bed when your guests arrive, they will have only themselves to blame.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have a house in Maine. Our visitors from out of town always look forward to being served lobster at our table.

I don't like lobster. I'm happy to serve it to our guests and my husband. If I offer an alternative, I will probably be the only one eating that.

What is the polite alternative to choking my way through a lobster at my own table?

GENTLE READER: You have been caught by what Miss Manners calls the Local Delicacy Trap, shared by Bostonians who hate clam chowder, Napa Valley natives who have other things to do than to taste wine, and Chicagoans who have had to consume a lifetime and a half of deep-dish pizza.

Not only does everyone coming to town expect it, but they lack any sympathy for you, who are glutted, whether on lobster or champagne or baked beans.

Misdirection ("Oh, that's not the real local delicacy! The real local delicacy is steamed mussels!") seldom satisfies. Portion control ("This caviar is particularly special. And for the main course we have ...") makes you look stingy.

Best to swallow the insult to your own tastes, which can be done without swallowing the lobster. Who can complain about a dinner of lobster and an alternative, in which everyone gets to eat what he or she enjoys most?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: An employee my office just hired was nice enough to start with, but very quickly I began to notice that she was oversharing personal information about herself and her family.

I would just brush it off and change the subject, but then she began to include me in her problems. If she complained about her weight, she'd say I must feel the same way about myself. If she complained about her age, she'd say I must feel the same way, too.

If she wants to degrade herself, that's her problem, but I do not want to be included. I've tried being cordial and keeping my distance, but today I found out that she's complaining to others in the office that I'm not friendly to her. They tell me she's been asking them what my problem is!

Help! I wouldn't want my problems blabbed all over the workplace, but I don't want her complaining about me, either. My life isn't perfect, but I don't put myself down. How can I get her to stop?

GENTLE READER: The way to prevent her from telling others about your problems is, as you correctly surmised, not to tell them to her. Perhaps looking sympathetic and saying, "No, not really," when she turns to you, would help. This unsatisfactory but polite response should solve the problem of her oversharing.

That leaves only one problem for Miss Manners to solve: how to get her to stop complaining about you. The next time someone passes on one of her complaints, explain that she seems nice, but you hardly know her and don't feel that you can deal adequately with her neediness.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A fraternity formal dance that I attended ended with me cabbing home, alone, and without warning.

After a young man asked me to the dance, I was so looking forward to having a fun time with him and my three best friends, who were also attending with dates. At the dance, my date became so drunk that he retreated to the men's bathroom with my friend's date.

After he left to recover in the bathroom, I was still hoping to salvage part of the night with my three best friends. However, all they did was complain about the missing young man who was attending to my date in the bathroom. It was spoiling the night and making me even more uncomfortable, so I proceeded to just stand outside the men's bathroom and demand that my date call a cab back to his apartment where he could be properly watched over by his friends.

After the missing young man returned to my friends, the crew, instead of showing compassion by including me in the conversation, ignored me and abruptly walked off to dance without me, leaving me sitting at our dinner table alone. I figured that my presence was unimportant to them, and called a cab for myself.

They didn't realize I was gone for a half hour, and when we spoke briefly the next morning, they casually said that they would have accompanied me home had they known I was leaving.

Even though my date had the good sense to apologize profusely and take me on another date to make up for the lost time, my "best friends" didn't have the courtesy to apologize for excluding me.

Was I expecting too much? Was I in the wrong to assume that people have a responsibility to include and be compassionate toward an abandoned date? Was I wrong to leave without warning? Miss Manners, I was so hurt by their actions that I have been giving them the cold shoulder ever since. Please tell me if I was wrong in any way.

GENTLE READER: That you easily forgave the person who got drunk and abandoned you, but hold a grudge against those who did not drop what was left of their evening's enjoyment to attend to you, worries Miss Manners.

It smacks of the common attitude that females are responsible for poor behavior on the part of males -- for example, when a lady forgives her husband for breaking his marriage vows while vilifying his partner, who was under no such obligation to her.

Your friends did recognize that your date was in possible danger from his drunkenness and took care of him. You were upset, but capable of taking care of yourself, as in fact you did.

Miss Manners agrees that it would have been nice of them to express sympathy. But she hardly thinks that they were obligated to give up their evening to see you home, when you were able to do that on your own. Please save your indignation for the person who actually did ruin your date.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it acceptable to go to someone's house before 10 a.m. and knock on that person's door?

GENTLE READER: Yes, if you have a package, a warrant or an invitation.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)