DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a polite way to ask a person which gender he or she identifies with?

With the relaxation of the bias against the LGBT community, people are more open to be who they really are, and that can be confusing. One acquaintance was raised as a girl, but identifies as male. Another is miffed when confused for a male even though she purposefully looks like a teenage boy. Any way to minimize the social awkwardness?

GENTLE READER: Are you expecting Miss Manners to come up with a way of quizzing new acquaintances about their gender that would NOT be socially awkward?

Are you aware that many people are offended at being asked their occupations, or where they are from, or where they went to school?

Additionally, there is a range of gender categories, not just male and female, and a vocabulary that has been proposed to go with each, but has not been universally recognized. So guessing is, if anything, worse than asking.

Fortunately, the only pronoun you need when dealing with someone face to face is "you."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it ever OK for a man to call another man's fiancee without the permission of either party?

GENTLE READER: Yes, if the caller is the lady's probation officer.

A fiance or husband should not be acting in that capacity. Miss Manners presumes that a lady who is about to be married is of age, and therefore should be the only one to decide whom she does or does not want to call her.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I would like to have a wedding reception with no alcohol, but I am concerned that it would be considered unforgivably rude. The situation:

(1) I (the bride) do not drink alcohol.

(2) The groom does not drink alcohol.

(3) The groom's sister is an alcoholic.

(4) The groom's brother is an alcoholic.

(5) My father is an alcoholic.

The groom is open to a dry reception, but I have been told by other people that this would be horribly rude. The wedding itself is to be a low-budget affair in our backyard.

I was prepared to be called cheap or boring, but I hadn't really thought it was a rude decision. Others (family members) have told me that they won't attend a dry reception.

Is it a rude choice? I'm so disappointed that grown adults would threaten to skip celebrating a special day with us if we don't give in to their demands about what we serve.

GENTLE READER: If your relatives feel that they need to drink to attend your wedding, the alcohol problem in your family is even worse that you thought.

Of course it is not obligatory to serve alcohol at a wedding, or any other social event. Miss Manners suggests that you tell your relatives that you are sorry to miss them. A message delivered to their favorite bar should be able to reach them.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When do you stop being "divorced" and start being "single"?

GENTLE READER: At precisely the same time.

When people start treating you as single, as opposed to divorced -- which is what Miss Manners suspects you really mean -- depends on how intriguing the details of the separation were. And how much one or both of the relevant parties continue to publicize them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I feel very fortunate to have several couples with whom we occasionally get together for a meal at one of our homes. Sometimes it is just to be together; sometimes it is for a little celebration like a birthday, or to share a movie or play games.

We are fairly casual, with an occasional "special" event. The dishes are usually quickly dealt with by two or three of us, so that we can get down to visiting, celebrating, playing, etc.

One person we socialize with refuses any assistance with the dishes, and the rest of us find ourselves uncomfortably twiddling our thumbs, waiting until she is finished cleaning -- especially when we will be opening gifts, watching a movie, etc. We would rather she accept some help or that she wait until we have left.

But maybe we are mistaken. We now find ourselves unsure of when the dishes should be done. When close friends gather for a meal at one of their homes, what is the proper dish clearing-and-washing etiquette?

GENTLE READER: If the hostess wants to sneak a few dishes into the dishwasher as she is clearing them, Miss Manners would not find fault. But to leave the guests for a lengthy amount of time borders on rude and conveys to the guests that she would rather have a clean house than their company.

If your friend persists despite your offers to help, ask if it is all right if you begin the merriment without her -- and she can join when she is ready. If she is feeling left out, presumably she will realize that maybe it would be better to leave out the dishwashing.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Most of our friends and acquaintances, married or not, have now embarked on the task of producing children. This means I am invited to multitudes of baby showers, sometimes more than one for each baby.

I disapprove of baby showers for two reasons: First, we are in a global resource crisis, and people, especially Americans, should have fewer children; and second, showers encourage wasteful consumerism, when the mother can easily obtain hand-me-downs for her rapidly growing child.

I am also alarmed at the shocking number of otherwise intelligent people who, despite this being the First World with various forms of birth control widely available, still have unplanned pregnancies and make no secret of this fact.

The majority of my friends' pregnancies have been associated with shotgun weddings, underwater home mortgages, or conception occurring immediately following the loss of the father's job.

For these reasons and others, I am generally not thrilled when my friends become pregnant. I love my friends, but once they have kids, they fall off the face of the earth. It makes me sad to lose my friends and watch them throw away their promising careers and lives to enter the black hole of babydom (which, despite common arguments to the contrary, almost all do).

Given this, it seems inappropriate for me to attend baby showers. My friends are all familiar with my views on reproduction. I am happy to help my friends in other ways -- come over and do the household chores for a day, for instance. But is there a polite way to decline to attend a good friend's shower?

GENTLE READER: Yes, certainly. It is: "Thank you so much for the invitation, but I will not be able to attend."

Miss Manners notices that being familiar with your views did not deter your friends from having children, so you needn't feel neglectful about refraining from repeating them after the fact.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister and brother-in-law are going through a very bitter divorce. We have since found out that he is a liar and a cheat, and a man without honor.

There will be times in the future that we are attending the same social function (graduation, wedding, etc.). How do I show my disdain for this man without being considered rude? What if he should approach me to speak? What if he is with someone? What if he is with the woman that has contributed to the breakup of the marriage?

GENTLE READER: A divorce, like a funeral, has many mourners but few principals. (Miss Manners has noticed that participants in a divorce sometimes also divest themselves of their principles, but that is a separate topic.)

Proper responses can range from a cold aloofness to a deliberate snub, but as your grievance is subsidiary to your sister's, your behavior should follow her lead, without exceeding it in severity. Even then, it must be done quietly, so that your reaction will not attract the attention of other guests. Please remember that your primary obligation at such events is to avoid spoiling them with the fallout from less happy situations.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)