DEAR MISS MANNERS: Sometimes I see patrons in a store or restaurant peer at the service employee's name tag and say something like, "Hello there ... Tiffany ... how are you today?" It always comes out with this forced conviviality, as if to say, "Look, everyone! I'm a good, egalitarian person treating the lowly server as a person. Isn't that great of me?"

I think it actually says, "You have such a menial job that you're forced to wear a stupid name tag, so I know your name and feel free to use it even though I don't know you -- but you don't know my name because I'm a higher-class person and get to dress the way I want."

I think name tags are just so you know whom to refer to if needed, as in, "I think Tiffany is our server. Could you ask her to bring the check?"

Am I right to see this as presumptuous behavior?

GENTLE READER: The presumption in the greeting you mention is not in using Tiffany's name, but in asking the waitress how she is "doing," a question about her mood or life that is not relevant to the business at hand.

Miss Manners has no objection to using a form of address that has been supplied by the addressee, even if, in this case, it may technically have been Tiffany's boss who chose the form. She does wish the form supplied was more formal, as she agrees with you that first names in this context are an invitation to mistreatment.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My fiance and I are having a cupcake tree instead of serving sliced wedding cake at our wedding, which will be held at our church, with all of the church members and their families invited.

A couple hundred cupcakes are about as expensive as the typical wedding cake, and are ordered with the number of attenders in mind, but there is typically no server and guests can take one when they desire.

On a typical Sunday after church, there are snacks served after the service. We have a group of children who are often unmonitored at this time who think nothing of swarming the snack table the minute the dish of cookies, coffee cake, etc., is set out. They grab multiples of the snack -- often as many as they can carry, and many times come back for more, regardless of whether everyone else has had a chance to have some.

This is usually accepted and nothing is expressed openly against it, although occasionally I will hear an adult mumble unhappily about there being nothing left for the adults by the time they reach the table.

I would like to prevent this happening at my wedding. Is it acceptable to put a small sign in front of the cupcake tree asking guests to please take one? If not, how should I handle this with grace?

GENTLE READER: It would have to be an impressive sign to separate even reasonably well-behaved children from unattended sweets, particularly when there is a contrary tradition.

Miss Manners advises a more active intervention, in this case a caterer or family member who is willing to slip out before the service is concluded to gently advise the children that this time, we will be waiting for the adults to go first. Or just place the tree on a high table, out of the children's reach.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I would appreciate some suggestions as to how a guest should express to a host her desire to leave a small dinner party at which she's had a very nice time -- but it's getting late, and she'd like to go home!

We were still seated at the table at 11 p.m. after a dinner for six people that started at 7. The delicious meal and dessert were long gone, as were the coffee and tea.

One of the guests was droning on and on. I took the opportunity, when he finally took a breath, to say (very pleasantly, I thought), that this had been a wonderful party and the food was delicious, as a prelude to saying that I regretted that we really must get going.

But before I could complete the thought, the droner recovered his breath. I knew the hosts well, but had just met Mr. Droner, and that made it difficult for me to interrupt him.

Was I remiss in thinking that someone else at the table (perhaps my husband!) would catch my drift and support my efforts?

In any event, the droner went on for another half-hour before I could get another word in edgewise. At that point, I spoke very quickly (fearing his interruption) and said something to the effect that it's been lovely, but it was getting late and we really had to leave. However, from the expressions on the faces of droner and wife, I was left feeling that I was out of line.

I look forward to some leaving-the-party tips.

GENTLE READER: One would be to socialize with hosts who know that after-dinner coffee is properly served in the living room, thus getting everyone up from the table and halfway to the door, while preventing a difficult exodus from the dining table.

Another is to train your husband to stand up when you thank your hosts.

But you also need a firmer tone of voice. Miss Manners recommends that you practice saying, "Excuse me! I don't want to break up this delightful evening, but I'm afraid we really must go."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My father recently passed away, and it's been a real eye-opener as to how my friends and family have dealt with the loss when communicating with me. One of my good friends sent a condolence sticky note that said "Sorry for your loss" attached to a piece of mail she forwarded to me.

I'm aware that people deal with loss in their own ways, and perhaps my father's passing was hitting too close to home and she doesn't know how to deal with it. But this really upset me.

I did not expect a card or flowers, not at all. I just did not expect my father's life and death summed up on a generic yellow sticky note. Is this actually appropriate? I don't know how to reply.

GENTLE READER: Fortunately, a sticky note does not require any response. Nor does callous behavior require the target to offer a psychological excuse.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm not wealthy, but I'm quite well off and need nothing. Rather than give me gifts, several members of my family observe milestones in my life by donating to charities of their choice in my name. I appreciate the thoughts and always thank them appropriately.

In recent years, however, one couple has begun donating to charities that are anti-gay, to say the least, and they know I am gay. Am I under any obligation to thank them? Would it be considered rude to tell them I find such a donation in my name to be very inconsiderate?

GENTLE READER: Not only inconsiderate, but also somewhat fraudulent. Miss Manners would go to greater lengths than you to stop someone from putting her name on a charity that she condemns. Rather than thanking them or not, you might attempt to stop the transaction in advance by saying, "I appreciate you thinking of me, but I would prefer not to be associated with a cause with which I disagree. I'm sure you understand." By no means should you let them engage you in a discussion of why.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother took my 18-year-old son out to lunch at a nice restaurant. She does this about once a year. After they finished their meal, a centipede dropped from the ceiling onto my son's already empty plate.

The restaurant apologized profusely and offered two free desserts, which neither diner was interested in at the time. The restaurant then offered two free future desserts, which were accepted by my mother (who was paying for the meal). She eats at this restaurant fairly often. My son does not, as it is a bit pricier than he can afford as a student on a part-time salary.

When they came home, he talked about the two of them going to the restaurant again to take advantage of their coupons. My mother said that as she had paid, both coupons were hers. He said thank you for the lunch and dropped the subject, but still feels that my mother was a little discourteous.

While I am pleased he didn't complain or demand, I would like to tell him his instincts are correct as far as being a polite host goes. Are they?

GENTLE READER: Congratulations to your son for his impeccable manners and wise decision not to speak up. Miss Manners assures you both that his instincts were absolutely correct.

If your mother is going to split hairs, as it were, and attempt to bring ownership into this equation, she might have taken note that the coupons were a result of a centipede that descended upon your son's plate, not hers. Possession is, after all, nine-tenths of the law.

So your son's polite request to share the coupons was not only warranted, it was also just. In the interest of keeping the peace, however, it would be best to keep this between ourselves -- and the centipede.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)