DEAR MISS MANNERS: For several decades, I have been a consultant, hired by government agencies, higher education institutions and nonprofits for advice and planning. During the past decade, I've found that many of my clients have lost their manners. I would like to know how to work around this.

For example, one very big client and I had a contract and exchange of emails about the final product. I provided a product that went well beyond our agreement and put in uncompensated hours, but the client decided that she wanted even more, so that she would look fabulous to her granting agency. Because I don't advertise and all my new business comes from word-of-mouth, I had to provide extra flourishes that were never part of our contract in order to make her happy and keep her from speaking ill of me.

Another client decided that he could delay my project for almost a year after the start date in the contract because he just didn't feel ready to let me start. This threw my work for him into the following year when I was working for other clients, causing me to put in months of 18-hour workdays.

There have been several other incidents where clients have completely ignored my needs. How do I get them to be more thoughtful without alienating them and causing bad publicity? I can't simply point to the contract and refuse to budge. It seems so unprofessional to remind them at the signing that I am not a machine.

GENTLE READER: Good manners do not require you to renegotiate a business deal at the whim of every unreasonable client.

The airline that refuses to hold the plane because you are running late is not treating you rudely -- at least not in regard to when they close the doors. But lectures that you should have arrived at the airport earlier would be both rude and, since they are unlikely to be appreciated, bad business.

If you are willing to undertake additional work or modify an agreed-upon schedule, then you are in an ideal position to renegotiate both sides of the deal to suit your needs. Miss Manners only asks that you recognize when driving too hard a bargain will indeed result in bad feelings and possibly also bad publicity.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I often find myself in situations where someone makes a lewd joke that I am uncomfortable with. My natural reaction is one of embarrassment, and I usually look down or divert my gaze. My reaction often worsens the situation because it makes the joke teller feel guilty for making the joke.

What is the best way to let someone know that I don't feel comfortable with lewd jokes, without making the person feel embarrassed herself?

GENTLE READER: Don't laugh.

Dissenting, however politely, will only lead to accusations ranging from humorlessness to stifling free speech. But Miss Manners assure you that a silent stare at the joke teller can do wonders.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend's future daughter-in-law will not allow her to know the color theme for the wedding. My friend has asked her several times what color would she like her to wear.

All the bride says is, "Wear whatever you are comfortable in."

Well, she has invested in two dresses. The first is going to be too warm to wear to an outdoor wedding in the South. The second is an ivory/cream color, and she has been told that color is inappropriate. Is it true that that color is inappropriate?

GENTLE READER: Is it your friend's hope that she can turn this sensible and considerate young lady into a bossy, detail-obsessed bride?

Dressing her prospective mother-in-law is not the bride's responsibility. Many who attempt it discover that it is not conducive to warm family relationships.

Nor does a wedding require a "theme," other than marriage.

Your friend should not be investing in clothes that are unsuitable for the weather. She should wear something dressy that she likes. And while it is not customary for others to wear the same shade as the bridal dress, Miss Manners is confident that the bride in question will not go to pieces worrying that people will confuse the two of them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband's two daughters estranged themselves from him more than 20 years ago. Their actions were likely inspired by their deceased mother, who had severe emotional problems, but neither has chosen to explain her reasons. He has four grandchildren he has never met.

Although he has made many thoughtful efforts to heal the wounds and seek reconciliation, he has not been successful. He has an excellent relationship with his son and daughter-in-law, as do I.

My husband is now in his 80s. He has asked me how I would phrase his obituary -- in terms of survivors -- if he predeceases me.

My initial impulse is to list the daughters, their husbands and their children, along with his son and daughter-in-law. Yet it seems strange to include children he's never met and a son-in-law he met only once. The daughters have been dishonest and unkind with their father, and part of me says they don't deserve to be listed.

But if they are omitted, many casual friends who know the daughters but not the situation will surely find it strange. I want to take the high road. The question is much on my husband's mind, and I want above all to be kind and respectful to him.

GENTLE READER: It is not the purpose of an obituary to thank the people who have behaved well to the deceased. Rather, it is intended to be a tiny, instant account of that person's life.

Miss Manners understands your desire to reassure your husband, but if you have to give him an answer, you might point out that excluding the daughters would indeed create curiosity from those who know the family.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have three children ages 14, 13 and 9, all very active. Between my husband and I both working full-time and getting all three children to where they need to be, we hardly have a spare moment.

About four years ago, my parents decided to move to be "close" to us. Naturally I was very excited and could not wait to have them here.

However, now that they are here, we see them less than we did when they lived out of town.

We invite them to every activity the children have, but they always have an excuse not to come. Finally we determined that the real reason was that they just weren't interested in the types of events that we were inviting them to.

I am resentful and sometimes cannot keep from being a little short when I do speak to them. If I say something about it to them, they turn it around on me and say that we never come to see them or make time for them, and that we are just too busy.

I just don't understand how they can expect us to come and sit at their house, when we rarely have time to "sit" at our own! Any night of the week, at least one of our children has some type of activity to participate in.

We have made it clear that we would love for them to be more of a part of our everyday lives; however, they do not seem interested, and almost seem angry that we don't make time for them.

Am I being unreasonable? I feel like this time in my life is all about keeping my children as involved with activities as I can. I enjoy watching them, and just can't seem to get my parents to realize this.

GENTLE READER: As impossible as it may be for you to imagine, perhaps your parents' idea of spending time with you and their grandchildren does not include shuttling around to their various activities. Would you be eager to observe their book club or watch them take an exercise class?

You find it an imposition to sit at their house -- or what Miss Manners would call socializing -- yet are insulted that they don't consider standing on the sidelines as being "close" to their grandchildren.

An occasional dance recital or pivotal sports game may be entertaining, but it is a lot to ask, even from a loving grandparent, solely to watch the children, rather than interact with them.

The constant bustle that you describe hardly sounds sociable or relaxing. And it's probably not what your parents imagined when they decided to move across the country in order to be close to you. You might consider that developing family bonds is an extremely worthwhile activity for your children.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it OK to multi-task during an e-date? I'd never do such a thing in person, but if it's an e-date and I'm sitting in my kitchen, how would he know?

GENTLE READER: It is true that manners differ from morals in that what you do doesn't count against you if nobody finds out about it and is therefore unaffected.

But that means no giveaway noises. And Miss Manners warns you that tasks you do in the kitchen, as in other rooms with running water, are apt to be obvious.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)