DEAR MISS MANNERS: We found out my sister is pregnant (yay!), but inside the family, she had always said she would plan for a child a few more years down the road.

Upon hearing the news (after celebrations, of course), and between just the two of us, as we were on the phone, I asked if they were trying when they conceived.

My mother says it is a social gaffe to ask anyone, family or not, about their family planning and should not be done under any circumstances.

My side is that it would be irresponsible to not ask that question, as it pertains directly to her and her husband's mental and emotional state in the coming months.

This is not to say you should bandy about the information, merely that knowing it as a personal matter is important, as if the baby were not planned, saying the wrong thing could cause more harm.

So, does social etiquette absolve you of responsibility if you do misspeak, or is it a familial responsibility to understand the states of relatives' well-being? If so, is it more important than the social blunder?

GENTLE READER: Let us assume that your sister did not plan the pregnancy. If she is nevertheless thrilled with her news, what difference could knowing the circumstances make to anything you may say?

And if she is not thrilled, what would you then refrain from saying? "That's wonderful news -- we're so happy for you"? And what would you say instead? "Oh, tough luck"?

Your defense of your curiosity -- that not knowing would prevent you from forming a clear picture of her mental health -- sounds to Miss Manners like an attempt to use the cry of medical necessity to defend rudeness. You are not your sister's doctor. You also seem unaware that pregnancy -- whether planned or not -- can bring on all sorts of shifting emotions that no outsiders, however good their intentions, may be able to anticipate.

Familial responsibility in this circumstance aligns with good manners, which prohibits the all-too-vivid vulgarity of asking couples whether they were "trying."

You should have allowed your sister to decide whether she wished to volunteer such information. Miss Manners can only hope that the expectant mother refused to be dragged down to a statement that was only theoretical when uttered, and instead replied, "We're thrilled."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I bought a wedding gift, traveled out of town and spent the night at a motel to be at the entire celebration for the newlyweds. I was appalled to find out that in lieu of sending thank-yous to their guests for the presents, the couple would donate the equivalent cost of materials and postage to cancer research instead. Is this a new trend?

GENTLE READER: The idea that snubbing people one actually knows -- who, in this case, have been generous -- is whitewashed by charity to people one doesn't know has been with us for a while, Miss Manners is sorry to report.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have recently lost my only child. I do not like it when people wish me a happy Father's Day. I have mentioned this to my immediate family, and they think it's weird but are stopping.

Am I out of line? I feel as though they are a bit thoughtless in wishing me a happy Father's Day, because it could never be a happy day for me.

I would never wish this to someone who has lost a child, especially an only child. It just seems tasteless and almost feels like it's rubbing it in my face, although I know they are not. I now just avoid everyone, but I still get text messages from well-meaning friends and family. I don't feel comfortable responding to them about how this bothers me.

GENTLE READER: What is wrong with these people?

These are not even mindless strangers who toss holiday greetings around promiscuously, but your own relatives and friends who know of your loss. And they are telling you to be happy about it.

Miss Manners is afraid that you will have to remind them. A quiet "I suppose you have forgotten what happened to my child" should do it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am confounded on how to reply to the numerous requests/demands from family and friends to buy whatever merchandise they are selling -- such a variety of jewelry, miracle skin treatments, cleaning products, etc. This doesn't even begin to cover all the times they sell things for their children.

It seems the only time they want to talk to me is when they want me to buy something or host an event at my home. I would never dream of inviting people into my home to sell them something.

Be assured that all these people are financially comfortable, and mainly do this as a way to make money while they stay at home and raise their children -- a decision I fully support, if that is what they want to do.

However, I have bought all these people shower gifts, wedding gifts and baby gifts. I was happy to celebrate the happy occasions in their life. I married early and have no children, so it is not as if my contributing would be "payback" for gifts given to me.

I would like to know the best way to respond to these incessant requests. Ignoring them seems rude, but I don't see any other way of dealing with it.

GENTLE READER: How do you normally respond to the sales pitches with which we are all constantly bombarded?

By ignoring those that do not interest you, and responding to those that are made face-to-face with, "I'm sorry, but I'm not interested."

This is not rude: It saves both your time and theirs, and your money. So do that when your friends and relatives turn commercial.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Would you please advise if there are any correct uses for a round-bowled cream soup spoon other than for cream soups?

GENTLE READER: Breakfast cereal. You can get away with a lot at breakfast.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a 7-year-old daughter who is very interested in learning how to become a lady. We practice formal dining situations, and she has been asking some questions that I do not know how to answer, as I was raised a bumpkin myself:

If someone wants more dessert, may they ask for seconds?

What do you call a lady-child or a child-gentleman?

If Mommy is the hostess, can the child help her bring things to the table, or does she have to sit like a statue?

And her cutest question: If a child makes everyone at the dinner table laugh and spit out their food, what are we supposed to do next?

GENTLE READER? Presuming that you refrain from spitting out your food, you seem to have outgrown bumpkinhood. Miss Manners doubts that you would otherwise have reared a daughter with an awareness of -- and even interest in -- etiquette. She offers her congratulations on that.

It might be even more interesting (and instructive) for your daughter to dramatize the situations that piqued her curiosity.

What if she were the hostess, and her guests asked for seconds, but there wasn't any more, or at least not enough to go around? Yet if she did have more dessert to offer, she would be likely to produce it when guests merely said how delicious it was. So no, don't ask outright, because you might embarrass the hostess by implying that she didn't make enough.

Miss Manners is afraid to ask what a lady-child or a child-gentleman is exactly. But Miss Manners imagines someone of, say, 7 would be flattered to be addressed as "Miss Emily" or "Miss Jones" (or "Master," for a boy).

Third, if she were a guest, what would she think of a young person who sat like a statue, letting her mother do all the work? Surely she should be acting as a deputy hostess. Not only should the child of the hostess offer to help, it is her duty.

And finally, Miss Manners has been advised that a main rule of comedy is to know your audience. If you know that they have just taken a big bite of food, maybe it is not the moment to tell them your best joke. But if food is expelled with the laugh, the deputy hostess would good-naturedly offer to help clean up, skipping over the possibility of embarrassment.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Are open-face cucumber sandwiches served at high tea with a fork or as finger food?

GENTLE READER: It is not easy to cut a cucumber with a fork. Fortunately, it is not necessary to try, as tea sandwiches are finger food.

However, Miss Manners must correct your misuse of the term "high tea," which is a light, informal supper, with more fortifying food than cucumber sandwiches. Those are served at what is simply called afternoon tea, or even just "tea."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)