life

Friendly Next-Door Neighbor Must Be Told He's Just a Friend

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | June 11th, 2015 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I moved into my home, I moved in with my then-partner of two years. Now, three years later, my partner has left me, and I am a young woman living alone.

I am not bothered by that, but I have not yet had time to grieve my five-year relationship, and things are still turbulent with my ex.

How do I politely tell my next-door neighbor that I am not interested in his offers of a date or companionship now or in the future?

He is very nice to me and, before, was very nice to my ex. I really don't want to burn the bridge of friendship, but so far, my excuses of being very busy or not sure of my plans have not discouraged him. What can I do or say to get my interests across?

GENTLE READER: Or lack thereof. "I'm so sorry, but I'm afraid that I'm just not interested in changing the nature of our very nice friendship."

Miss Manners notes that wisely, you have not told him you are "not ready" for romance, as when you eventually are, it will be very clear -- as he lives next door -- that you were just not ready for him.

Love & DatingEtiquette & EthicsFriends & Neighbors
life

Party for Parents of Kids' Friends Doesn't Need to Be All-Inclusive

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | June 11th, 2015 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Every year, we host a kid-friendly holiday party for family, friends and co-workers in our home. I try to invite all the previous year's invitees, as well as any new acquaintances or friends that I've made.

The trouble has been with my daughter's classmates. There are only two second-grade classes in her school, with a total of 30 children. She has close friends in both classes, and I know many parents (and have been inviting many of those parents to our parties) in both classes.

In the interest of not having 100-plus in our home, and only inviting people I have actually met, I'd prefer not to invite everyone in her class or the other class. However, there are only four kids in my daughter's class of 15 whose family I have never met.

Under these circumstances, is it rude to extend a holiday party invitation to 11 of the 15 families? Must I invite all 15?

Then what about the other class? I know, and am friends with, about half of that class, but don't really want to invite them all. Is there a non-rude way to invite some, but not all, the kids and their families? Whittling it down by category, I could invite only families of girls, but we've been friends with some of the boys' families for years, and I'd rather not cut them out.

GENTLE READER: There is a big difference between a "kid-friendly" party and a party for kids. If this gathering is primarily for your friends -- and by association, some of your daughter's -- then the guest list is entirely up to you.

It should be made up only of people whom you know and want there -- and, Miss Manners notes, who would likewise know you and want to be there. It is only children's parties -- primarily on birthdays -- where school policies and fairness issues get involved, that it might become necessary to invite an entire class.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Work & SchoolFamily & ParentingFriends & NeighborsEtiquette & Ethics
life

Using Host's Wi-Fi Password Is Not an Automatic Right

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | June 9th, 2015 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When arriving as a guest, how long is considered polite before you ask the hosts for their Wi-Fi password? This is a burning question right now on social media.

GENTLE READER: How long are you planning to stay? If you were invited only to dinner, Miss Manners fears there is no good time to announce that you have more pressing things to do than enjoy your hosts' and other guests' company.

Apparently many who live on social media miss the purpose of a live social visit, which is to be social.

So at a limited such gathering, there should hardly be a need for Wi-Fi -- unless you are urged to look up something factual. (Ah, Miss Manners misses the days when friendly bets were waged upon the outcome of a fact that could only be remembered in hindsight or looked up in the encyclopedia.)

In that case, one could politely ask if it would be all right to use the connection. Or at the end of the engagement, you could ask for it to book a taxicab, for instance.

If you are a longer-term guest, the same is true, but the excuse might be better -- checking flight information being more acceptable than checking dating websites. Then you may ask when you are given the towels -- in other words, after the normal civilities of greeting have been completed.

There should not be an assumption of use, though, as your question implies. She has heard far too many complaints about readers' generosity and limited plans being abused by guests with unlimited needs.

People who live in constant fear of dire emergencies -- and the world does seem to be full of these poor anxiety-ridden souls -- should invest in alternative ways of connecting. Or stay at the source of the potential emergency so they can act quickly instead of having to be summoned from afar.

Friends & NeighborsEtiquette & Ethics
life

It's Never a Good Idea To Collect Money for Your Boss

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | June 9th, 2015 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In an office setting, is it proper to ask each person who is donating money to give a check instead of cash?

I am currently collecting money for my boss, whose daughter is getting married. We want to go in for a credit company gift card, but now I am getting some donations for $50, $360 and $150. Would it be proper if each person wrote out a check to the bride instead of me?

GENTLE READER: It is improper for employees to be dunned at work for personal favors. It is worse that the indirect recipient is your boss, who is supposed to pay you, not to collect from you. And Miss Manners' objection to cash in place of a more thoughtful present is well known.

She therefore thinks it would be highly proper of you to divest yourself of the entire enterprise. If you cannot stick someone else with the job, she suggests giving back the money you have collected and telling those employees who were invited to the wedding to decide individually about giving presents.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Etiquette & EthicsWork & School
life

Fyi, You May Need to Give the 411 First

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | June 7th, 2015 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm beginning to despise the use of acronyms at my work.

We live in a society that has evolved into a culture of getting things done at an ultra-fast pace. Even in something as simple as a conversation, we search for ways to save time. Consequently the use of acronyms to abbreviate titles or phrases has become increasingly popular in business, social media and our everyday conversations.

Though acronyms can be very useful, they are only appropriate when the people you're addressing recognize and understand what the abbreviation stands for. To assume they do is not only impolite, but can make the conversation confusing and distract from the discussion.

Think about it: If you use an acronym that is unfamiliar to your addressees, they are forced to make a choice of interrupting the conversation for an explanation, making an assumption about its meaning, ignoring it, or making a mental note to look it up later.

A good rule to ensure the meaning of your acronym is communicated is to precede an acronym with its expanded name (e.g., "Occupational Safety and Health Administration, OSHA") the first time it's used in conversation or a letter.

The short time it takes to convey the meaning of an acronym when first used becomes insignificant compared to the problems and annoyance created when the meaning is not understood by the recipient.

GENTLE READER: Welcome to Washington. Oh, wait; you say it is everywhere.

A rule is already on the books against addressing people in a language they do not understand. It applies especially to tourists in foreign lands who believe that an increase in volume compensates for an absence of vocabulary.

But tourists are not the only people who should be making an effort to learn a new vocabulary. Eavesdroppers have no right to complain that they don't understand what others are saying. Those who marry into foreign families will find that mastering even a few phrases will engender appreciation.

Similarly, Miss Manners agrees that the informal use of acronyms, jargon and slang should be confined to those who can reasonably be expected to understand. When there is doubt, your suggestion of giving the full name first is a good one.

But you speak of the use of acronyms at your workplace. There it is up to you to learn the terms in common use. And if you really have moved to Washington, you should resign yourself to the fact that governmentese is the local language.

Now, if you want to get Miss Manners started on emoticons, she would not be so tolerant.

life

Miss Manners for June 07, 2015

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | June 7th, 2015 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it rude to introduce someone as an inherited friend of my fiancee's?

GENTLE READER: If your fiancee is dead, Miss Manners sends you her condolences, and yes, that would be an affectionate way of saying that you appreciate and honor her friendships.

If, however, your fiancee is alive, it sounds more like your being stuck with her friend. That may be the case, but it would not be nice to make that clear.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

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